Jesus God.

Someone hold me.

And I Know I'll Always be Blessed With Love

So, this was supposed to be the weekend I'd go to see Scott and meet his people. Life has conspired against me on this. I've come to trust that there's a reason for things happening. Usually when I don't understand them, when I'm most scared or unsure is when I begin to rail against them. So, no trip. At least not right now. Maybe there's still more for me to learn to become permanently self-reliant and independent. Actually, I know I have more work to do on myself.

I do feel that I have already come so very far in myself. I have a lot less "Oh my God, I can't do this" moments (they still happen, but way less). Money still stresses me out more than I care to admit (and I admit to alot).

I thought I was going to be a wreck, and truthfully, Friday I had my moments, but they were offset by the kindness and friendship of the people in my life. From refusing to let me pay for dinner, to just being there to listen, I am blessed. In many directions.

Pretty cool, huh?

Tolerance

I was thinking the other day about the concept of 'tolerance.' In light of the coming election, those of us with liberal bends tend to hanker toward certain aspects of agendas - gay rights, equality (women, colors, beliefs, sexual preference), abortion, taxes (who doesn't want to know where our money is going to end up?), foreign policy... the usual.

In thinking about that, I was struck by something.. it ended up being unpleasant, because it made me play 'devil's advocate'. If tolerance is a goal to strive for, how realistic is it to draw a line. A man beats his wife, or cheats on her. We tend to reject that out of hand, because it violates basic human rights. But, if he came from a belief system where women are less than human, we are now 'intolerant' to his religion and culture.

Does the line get drawn because we don't want the same fate? Because our belief system is so different from that it cannot support, not tolerate it? Having come from a destructive and abusive marriage, I can't support domestic violence or abuse of any kind. Am I intolerant because my belief system has been corrupted by my own experiences? I'd like to think not. I'd like to think that my intolerance of cruelty is because abuse is unacceptable. Abuse of any kind - power, trust.. the physical, emotional and mental forms of interpersonal abuse. I like to think that my intolerance is that not only can I not condone that abuse, but that I can't abide it.

I will never go out of my way to bomb the opposing party, but I also won't be holding signs for them either. I won't be voting for them or laying down in front of them so they can use me as a bridge to step on. (sorry Jesus, I know that I'm supposed to love my enemy as I'd love myself, and according to Corinthians' definition of love, I am violating that.)

Perhaps, though, I am confusing tolerance with acceptance. I will be watching to see what will unfold for the future of our nation, for the future of my children and family, and for the future of fairness.

Various song titles apply

Nostalgia is a powerful thing. Everyone has different things that trigger memories and emotional responses tied to them. Currently, the changing of summer to fall has begun to trigger emotions for me. This time last year, My Scott and I were headed to couplehood. He worked nights at a radio station, and being in Michigan, it kinda lined up with my post-children time of night. Things change - it's part of life. He no longer works nights, and the 3 hour time difference that once made it possible to be together now works against us.

Thankfully, we have emails, phone calls and messages through Myspace.com. It's not quite the same though.. seeing his face on camera, reacting to my silliness, SEEING how he felt, Oh, I do miss that a lot. Of course, June was even better than that, but for the longest time, IMing through MSN was the only way we had to connect to each other, and it worked for us, and losing that hurt.

Yet, through the distance and absence, I don't feel like I lost him. I don't feel like we are headed to a breakdown. If the chemistry I felt with him wasn't just sleep deprivation induced, this is just a waiting period.

To me, feelings of fall are hope. The nervous twitter and promise of a future. It's warmth, comfort and a strong abiding love.

Minor victories

I won a battle today. I wouldn't say I won the war, but I'll take the minor victories where I score them. I had divorce court today, and the matters being heard were establishing spousal support and requesting some attorney fees (as he's been dragging this out). Both of which were granted.

I don't expect to see a dime of that money, which really is a shame, since that means we will have to file contempt charges against the ex in the beginning of October. In the meantime, I scored a court victory. Cool beans.

In professional matters, my coworker came back from maternity leave. She moved into my old cubicle (it was her cubicle before she went on leave) and I moved into the office. I have more than MIXED feelings about this. Actually, the ONLY upside I have seen so far is that I have a big window and can put many plants in there. YAY PLANTS!she was very cool about it, which was a relief after the lead in I had been given by the former coworker about this event. I'm happy to say there is NO drama. We intend on keeping it that way, and The New Girl is more than cool. YAY!

So, Professionally, things are okay, only I'm a little worried about being in The Office and what it meant before. I don't want to be a 'lead' person - Our supervisor has made it clear it won't happen. I also don't want to be totally isolated from the rest of the office - I have come to realize I thrive on the co working interaction.

I'm giving it a wait and see, and I always freak out about things and make them way worse than they end up being. I find it's pleasant to find the outcome less horrific. my friends probably wish I'd get the hell over it, and I apologize to them for my freak-outishness. After my stressful and emotionally challenging day, my good friend has offered to get me drunk this weekend. I think I may just take her up on it. :D

In personal matters, my sweetie gave me some of his time to listen to me and support me. I am very appreciative of this, and I KNOW that it's important to disconnect in the evening. He took the time to listen to me and even though I offered to let him get back to his disconnecting, he chose me over his game. Damn I love this guy. :D
He even sent me a couple messages through the day to help boost me. I'm sad to say I didn't get to see them before I left work, but they still touched me. :D


Now, onto Friday, where we go back to court to fight for child support (I have the county representing me on this, so my attorney isn't involved. It was in effort to save money).

The higher, the fewer!