Perspective

"DANG, He's NICE!" quoth Isabella. Why did she say that, you ask? Because I was describing an exchange between myself and a really good friend of mine. The exact story is mine, not even the kids know about what it was, but I was intimating how he had the oportunity to be angry and say mean things, and it didn't happen.

Why am I relating this? Not because I want to share HOW cool he is (Very.), but because I want to make a point. My children have learned that losing your temper and being verbally abusive is "normal" and acceptable. What have I done to these people? IN all the years of staying with my Ex Asshole, I was thinking it was better for them, being raised in an "unbroken home" when in reality, it had never been whole.

"It's kind of entertaining to watch you two fight" (Mystique, listening to my end of an argument about the station wagon, and how I have to find a place for it, or have it towed. "It's not entertaining!" I snap back. Because, it isn't. I hung up on him, because I didn't feel like I should have to listen to him tell me about how awful I am.

The car has been ticketed. I have to move it or it's gonna get towed and trashed. I asked him if he wanted it and this is the conversation : (A)"I CANT TOUCH THE CAR! IT SAID SO IN THE COURT PAPERS!" (S)"I know what it said, but I'm asking you, do you want it? You never signed it over to me, so it's still in your name. I couldn't afford to fix it." (A)"I want it in the condition you got it in - running" (S)"It needs the starter replaced" (A)"They're not that expensive" (S)"I couldn't fix it.." (A)"-You'd have to pay a mechanic to fix it." (S)"I'm asking you if you want it, we can work something out with the court to give it to you." (A)"I can't have it, the court said so!" (A)"YOU HAVE A DRIVEWAY, A GARAGE." (S)"If you don't want it, I am going to have to wrecked." (A)"I don't consent to that" (S)"So, do you want it or not?"

He started to repeat himself about how the court said he couldn't have it, that they gave me SOLE use of it. Well, the sole use part is true, because it was the family vehicle. I had been granted physical custody of the kids (we share joint physical and legal, but they live here primarily.

The car is a piece of junk. The front passenger door doesn't open from the inside. The left rear driver side seatbelt doesn't work. NOne of the windows roll down. The radio drops signal, and you have to bang on the dashboard to make it work. The steering wheel is loose and wobbly, The gear indicator is busted, you never know what gear you're in unless you count from park. The driver's seat is loose and rocks (it's not supposed to). The ceiling liner is torn out. It leaks radiator fluid AND oil. Oh, and let's not forget that it overheats in 80 degree weather. It's stalled on the freeway to LA more than once.

Now, bear in mind this was "my car" I drove the kids to and from school, to and from the store, to and from Drs appts. I took them down south to visit our friends, and we drove it for "family" stuff, if it ever came up. The car has over 200K miles on it. She was good to me, and took care of me and my needs. I loved her, and I will miss her, but She's not worth pumping hundreds, THOUSANDS of dollars into.

SO we arrive, yet again to control. Ahhh... Control. What did I do when he kept steering the conversation back to how "the court gave it to him, and he couldn't touch it? I told him I wasn't arguing with him anymore. And hung up.

Then the comment of "that was entertaning" from Mystique, because if you can't change a situation, you gotta laugh at it.

My children don't know what NORMAL is. That is a frightening thought. Hell, *I* don't know what normal is. But I am learning to spot abuse...

And this will serve as a prelude to a long post that I have been trying to map out in my head. I am fast approaching my Independance Day - Feb 14th, the day I left him and fled with the kids to a women's shelter. I have never documented that frightening journey, and I feel like I owe it to myself, to what I have surmounted to THIS point to get where I am today.. I am a long way from the summit of hardships, but I am climbing the hill, and not being knocked down so much. THAT deserves a cookie.

WOOT! COOKIE!