Monsters in the Closet

The further away from The Dark Time I get, the more aware I become of what existed with me during that time in shadow. I can't help but feel like it's a testament to the amount of healing and growth I have gone through. I'll have glimpses of remembrance and be struck by the absurdity of it. If I hadn't lived through it, I'd have to swear I was exaggerating.

It makes me sad to realize what I endured. The abuse of it. I may have never been struck physically, but when your spouse is complaining that his girlfriend doesn't do things that you do, or when he's describing her physical assets with rapture, while your broken down body wilts before him.. you have to wonder, do you NEED to be physically struck to be abused?

It's shameful to remember, so I don't do it often. I'm an intelligent person, and I don't thrive on conflict or strife, I just endure it. To admit that my 'story' is as... well, stupid as it is, it's shameful and embarassing. I wish I could just lie and say "he was an alcoholic drunk, he beat me and was about to start beating the children".. people understand that. They think "well, you stayed because you wanted to protect the kids, and when he got violent toward them, you left, nothing wrong there" and they can accept it. To say "My highschool sweetheart was never truly happy with me, I was never thin enough, pretty enough, good enough for him, but I stuck by him anyway, and he got me pregnant. I stayed, tried to make the marriage work, and all the while, he was harping on my weight, and wanted me to let him have a girlfriend, as he'd never gotten to enjoy his youth. After years of being told this littany over and over again, I consented, thinking the girl would grow tired and go away. We had 5 kids together, and even after breaking my arm, being resigned to sleeping on the couch while he slept with his girlfriend in my bed (which I didn't discourage or try to prevent), I still tried. He got me to agree to walk away and leave my children with him, and I snapped, took the kids and went to a women's shelter" That all sounds so fucking pathetic to me. Maybe I'm not being kind enough to that 'self' Maybe I'm over judging becuase I can't quite understand how I'd allow it all to happen, or not leave sooner.

I don't know. I do know that I realized something from reading that summary though - I slept on the couch and let him have the girlfriend move in because I was so tired of being 'not good enough' that I gave up. I just gave up, gave in and just... I quit, because I couldn't understand a better way to cope against the abuse. It was my rebellion, my weapon.

I wasn't entirely powerless, no, but I couldn't understand that then. Maybe that's why flashes of my former self visit this current self. And I imagine in about 5 years, that current self will look back at this 'past' self and realize why I'm 30lbs overweight for me. Hell, I think I realize it now. I just hope I learn to forgive myself more than I do.

To the demon that exists in my former psyche - You're an asshole and a bully. You can't stand yourself, and you have to pull everyone down around you just so you can be taller than them. And for God's sake - She loved you, and you stood with your arms around her, talking about how wet your girlfriend's pussy was. What was she supposed to do? You know she doesn't fight back. You know she doesn't tell people to go fuck themselves. You know she doesn't know how. That's why you're doing that, that's why, when you see the life draining out of her eyes day by day you keep telling her about your sexual life that now excludes her. That's why. You're an evil fuck, and I hope that you're ready to pay when Karma comes knocking on your door, because you won't be able to avoid it.

*Hugs former self* You're gonna be okay, kiddo. You always are, but I'm understanding you more, and I want to stop judging you on where you came from, and begin to hold you up on how you survived it. You're loved, and someday, you're gonna accept it without trying.