Looking for turnips

Can I seriously stop being tested? I mean, seriously? I feel like every month I'm frantically struggling just to keep above water. If not for the help of my family and friends.. well, I'd not like to THINK about that. I make decent money for a woman back in the workplace 2 years after I'd been out 11. In theory, I could survive on my paycheck, if I lived in an apartment, didn't have children, didn't go out and do stuff... in theory, I could even live comfortably.

But, I have 5 kids. And I only have one paycheck. It gets to where I nearly break down and cry when I think about it, so I avoid thinking about it like the plague, but I am doing this on my own, 5 kids, and just me. No, I don't get spousal support, OR child support. Yes, I'm awaiting judgement. Yes, I should get support. No, I don't think I'm going to see a penny. Why? because in March I finally received a notice from Child Support that the Ex owed me 2200 a month for 5 children, based on the difference in incomes and the amount of custody. He was given 30 days to respond, and I didn't hear anything until June. He contested the amount, using his attorney. We were set to go to court July 25th.

July 25th rolls around and he didn't show. Turns out that the county didn't notice his attorney. I would imagine it's not uncommon to make that kind of mistake as lawyers don't typically represent clients in a support case. They go by hard numbers, and arguing doesn't change the judgement - much. Well, they pushed us back to next week, the same week that we go to court for spousal support. The Ex changed attorneys, and I'm not sure the county was notified. I'm worried and apprehensive about where this is going to go. I'm also tired of struggling, keeping my head above water and seeing my Ex spend money on himself while our children sleep on mattresses on the floor (only the girls do this, to be fair, but still.. when you SAY you have no money and eat at KFC while feeding the kids hamburger helper, you need to rethink your idea of "no money). I'm tired of things being disproportionately skewed in favor of him.

I realize that "he'll get his" but in the meantime, *I* am doing QUITE enough 'getting' for more than 2 people. I know that Karma is the boomerang you don't have to throw, and that what goes around comes around. But dammit. I'm human and I'm tired and scared and lonely and discouraged.

Hopefully this is the bottom falling out before the relief comes, but I am so very doubtful that he will ever do anything right by his children, or ME that I can't even anticipate next week being beneficial. I look at it more as another drop in the bucket of stressors.

I'm worried about what the next step is when my Ex doesn't pay. The bills keep coming. My pay will be lowered starting next month (thank you, furlough) and the bills won't.

Not sure what relief there IS, but... somehow, it WILL come, it always does.