It's been a while since I posted. I'm sure all 2 of you understand, since I talk to you fairly regularly. Life's life. Work's work and suckish, and now I have a raging case of the stomach flu. I heard somewhere that if you had the stomach bug it's not really the flu, since influenza causes UBER COLD symptoms, such as fever chills, aches, pains, swollen lymph nodes, runny nose, sore throat. If thats the case, what the HELL do YOU call when you run to the bathroom and barf up the contents of your stomach, becoming impressed with the human body's capacity for storage? Add in the bowel emptying which, I had to describe to the baby as "pooping out water' for her to understand what I meant when I was asking if she had diarrhea..
Seriously, what IS that supposed to be called, Rotovirus? Sure, 'round here, you say "I got the stomach flu" and people flee in terror in speeds that will astound. You don't say "I got a rotovirus" People look at you and wonder what the crap you've been doing with your remote.
So, this rotovirus/stomach flu/minion sent from hell to exact vengance upon me has arrived, began with the baby, and has kicked my butt. YOU KNOW I am sick when I lay in bed for the better part of the day, and have nothing to do with my children. In fact, THEY knew I was sick for that and were worried about me. You know what that means, right? They're next.
Oh. Joy.
Excuse me while I half-heartedly sip my Hansen's mandarin lime soda and nibble my saltines all while cursing the invention of consumable food. I hate you food!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Getting Stuck in the Process of Change
Im fortunate to work for an organization that values training and knowledge. What can I say, I work for the 'overachievers' you hated to have classes with.
One thing I took away from training on Wednesday's "managing change' class is that change is a cyclical cycle.. you begin the process, you question or resent the need for change, you question and evaluate the possibilities of change, you achieve resolution, enjoying the change, then change will happen again, because we are not static creatures, and we are not characters in a play.
So, having said that, I have to say that while my biggest change in life over the last 4 years has been leaving my abusive marriage, striking out on my own and learning to support myself (sometimes with better and more responsible results than others), and how to hold a job (sometimes I'm too flaky, because I need to be focused from time to time). All this was mixed into something that I have lost touch with. I was a single parent for as long as I have had children. Granted, He brought home money and paid for us to live, but he never took care of the children, and the brunt of that fell to me.
I am finding that I have distanced myself from the ONE role that defined me for all these years... Motherhood. I have never been the touchy feely lovey dovey mom that many people think I should be.. but I have always been involved, and i have to say that lately, I have been patently UNinvolved. Somewhere between learning to have a career and maintaining a relationship, I have neglected the driving force for my leaving - the kids.
Now, I can't just stop being a selfish person. I don't think it's in my nature to split myself in so many directions and NOT get pissy. Maybe i'll surprise myself, though. But.. I was thinking on what I used to do on a nightly basis.. and I don't do it anymore.
Gone are the days when I needed to bathe my children - they are self sufficient and can shower on their own (Most days.. some days I need to remind them to use soap AND water.). They can dress themselves (Most days - some days I need to remind 'the baby' to put on chonies. OY!), and they can feed themselves. Somewhere in their independance I have forgotten that they still need me. I dont know that I LIKE being needed, but I suspect that were it to end abruptly, I would be shocked and not know what to do immediately.
The title to this post relates to the fact that while I was angry and hurt that I had to take this burden on myself, I kind of got between anger and resentment of change and questioning everything. At some point, I need to realize I AM in charge and own it. I have regressed and take as much personal time as I can, and we never do anything as a family. I have now modeled my own childhood - mom was busy, self abosorbed in her need for love (Oh, I got that trait in SPADES, let me tell you), but she managed to clean the house -something I resent doing and resist, as well.
I am NOT my mother, but I can now appreciate where she was when I was resentful that she wasn't gushy and lovey dovey. I had an epiphany not too long ago that you cannot adequately provide for the needs of another person when you, yourself are barely keeping your head above water. That applies to money, water and emotions.
Somewhere in this is a piece I have overlooked. I have the love of a good man, and although he's not physically here, I do not doubt his intentions or feelings. He makes me feel good. He also grounds me and although I never hear him grumbling or criticizing me, I know that he wonders if maybe he is a distraction from 'what is important' - To me, he isn't, but I think I am taking my personal space in the wrong way. I play a computer game in the front room, around my children who are doing something else.. While I can see them, and they are fed and provided for, they are not experiencing a family. Maybe this is my default becuase I don't KNOW what family feels like.
It's not meant to be a cop-out or a scapegoat, but it sure makes me look at the situation. What am I missing? I think some of it is physical activity, I think some is reading, I think some is shutting my bedroom door, but I think most of it is a lack of structure. I feel like there's an empty space in my home... a void that's more vivid than the colors around. I'm sure I'm failing to articulate this exactly, but... I feel like I'm waiting for SOMETHING before I begin to do my real work.
And... That sucks. :(
So, Today I begin to move forward... slowly, baby steps. Maybe even someday I'll be the huggy lovey dovey super mom.. but, if not, maybe I'll just stop working on my ass grove on my computer chair and some things will get done around here.
I see a compromise coming!!
One thing I took away from training on Wednesday's "managing change' class is that change is a cyclical cycle.. you begin the process, you question or resent the need for change, you question and evaluate the possibilities of change, you achieve resolution, enjoying the change, then change will happen again, because we are not static creatures, and we are not characters in a play.
So, having said that, I have to say that while my biggest change in life over the last 4 years has been leaving my abusive marriage, striking out on my own and learning to support myself (sometimes with better and more responsible results than others), and how to hold a job (sometimes I'm too flaky, because I need to be focused from time to time). All this was mixed into something that I have lost touch with. I was a single parent for as long as I have had children. Granted, He brought home money and paid for us to live, but he never took care of the children, and the brunt of that fell to me.
I am finding that I have distanced myself from the ONE role that defined me for all these years... Motherhood. I have never been the touchy feely lovey dovey mom that many people think I should be.. but I have always been involved, and i have to say that lately, I have been patently UNinvolved. Somewhere between learning to have a career and maintaining a relationship, I have neglected the driving force for my leaving - the kids.
Now, I can't just stop being a selfish person. I don't think it's in my nature to split myself in so many directions and NOT get pissy. Maybe i'll surprise myself, though. But.. I was thinking on what I used to do on a nightly basis.. and I don't do it anymore.
Gone are the days when I needed to bathe my children - they are self sufficient and can shower on their own (Most days.. some days I need to remind them to use soap AND water.). They can dress themselves (Most days - some days I need to remind 'the baby' to put on chonies. OY!), and they can feed themselves. Somewhere in their independance I have forgotten that they still need me. I dont know that I LIKE being needed, but I suspect that were it to end abruptly, I would be shocked and not know what to do immediately.
The title to this post relates to the fact that while I was angry and hurt that I had to take this burden on myself, I kind of got between anger and resentment of change and questioning everything. At some point, I need to realize I AM in charge and own it. I have regressed and take as much personal time as I can, and we never do anything as a family. I have now modeled my own childhood - mom was busy, self abosorbed in her need for love (Oh, I got that trait in SPADES, let me tell you), but she managed to clean the house -something I resent doing and resist, as well.
I am NOT my mother, but I can now appreciate where she was when I was resentful that she wasn't gushy and lovey dovey. I had an epiphany not too long ago that you cannot adequately provide for the needs of another person when you, yourself are barely keeping your head above water. That applies to money, water and emotions.
Somewhere in this is a piece I have overlooked. I have the love of a good man, and although he's not physically here, I do not doubt his intentions or feelings. He makes me feel good. He also grounds me and although I never hear him grumbling or criticizing me, I know that he wonders if maybe he is a distraction from 'what is important' - To me, he isn't, but I think I am taking my personal space in the wrong way. I play a computer game in the front room, around my children who are doing something else.. While I can see them, and they are fed and provided for, they are not experiencing a family. Maybe this is my default becuase I don't KNOW what family feels like.
It's not meant to be a cop-out or a scapegoat, but it sure makes me look at the situation. What am I missing? I think some of it is physical activity, I think some is reading, I think some is shutting my bedroom door, but I think most of it is a lack of structure. I feel like there's an empty space in my home... a void that's more vivid than the colors around. I'm sure I'm failing to articulate this exactly, but... I feel like I'm waiting for SOMETHING before I begin to do my real work.
And... That sucks. :(
So, Today I begin to move forward... slowly, baby steps. Maybe even someday I'll be the huggy lovey dovey super mom.. but, if not, maybe I'll just stop working on my ass grove on my computer chair and some things will get done around here.
I see a compromise coming!!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
We are the queer!
Anyone who dismisses punk out of hand as not 'worthwhile' musically has never heard The Decline by NOFX.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
profoundly disturbed.
This morning I was revisiting my friend Krista's website and re-watched the I'm a European Roma Woman. That led me to do some light research into the Romani. I didn't realize that they were also interred with the Jews in execution and concentration camps. Whenever I read about the Holocaust, I feel a calm stillness inside me. There are things I have never seen, never wish to see and as much as I try to academically wrap my mind around the events, a large emotional piece of me covers my academic eyes so that I may never understand WHY. Because, for some things, there will NEVER be an answer to WHY.
I am sorry that I had been ignorant that the Romani people had been persecuted alongside the Jews. (This does not intend to say that it is more tragic that the Romani suffered as the Jews did. This is meant to state I am sorry I only saw the Holocaust as belonging to one ethic group)
Separate from this, but tied very strongly to Human Rights is the case of the Fritzl family. I was going to say that I wasn't sure what was worse - that it happened at all, or that it was concealed so well. I think they are the same thing. Unfortunately, I was a victem of sexual abuse by my mother's boyfriend at the age of 9. It didn't happen just once, and it didn't always involve force by him. I do not take responsibility for his actions. Adults are the responsibile party. My abuser was thrown out of the house a year later, when I was 10, and I was sexually abused through that time. Not every day, but it happened. I am not ashamed to say it happened, or even that I did not fight, which is often contrary to what we are taught. You have to fight for it to be wrong.
No. Abuse of any kind is wrong. That this occured in this woman's home, that she was imprisoned and sexually tortured by her father, enslaved and forced to bear his children... it's morally reprehensible. And while I was sexually abused as a young girl, *I* was rescued from at after a year. This woman's entire life was centered around this monstrous reprobate's sick desires. His claim that he couldn't help it, and the sentence of life imprisonment with psychiatric care will never excuse the fact that this young woman was imprisoned after trying to escape the horror of her father's vices (he began abusing her at age 11). Her mother was a passive partner to the abuse, and while academically we may call them enablers, I cannot help but think that he had a hold over her that she will never understand or acknowledge. You don't start out abused, just as the abuser never starts out abusing. It's a very gradual process, and eventually, you accept the abuse as normal, even welcoming it after it's abated for a while.
While I am no psychologist, I feel safe in saying that the mother, while not victimized so brutally, is a victem as well as the daughter, as well as the daughter's children. My heart aches for them, and I find my emotions putting hands up over the logical me's eyes.. "Shhh, it's okay, lets go think about something else now."
For me, there will never be a WHY great enough to undo the damage that was caused these people, but more frightenly, there is brutality, fear and control happening every day in every walk of life. Although your neighbor may not have a dungeon, do you really know what happens? Most of the time, probably yes, but most people don't say "Oh, he was a control freak, always yelling at his wife, that daughter of his always looked scared around him, and she would never talk when they were together. I wondered why he was building an addition under his house and would disappear for days at a time. Yeah, I never really thought he was a good guy." No.. most of us end up saying "He seemed like a nice guy, always kept to himself"
This doesn't imply a need for the reader to go investigate their neighbor's homes, only a glimmer of awareness that brutality and abuse occur everywhere.
I am sorry that I had been ignorant that the Romani people had been persecuted alongside the Jews. (This does not intend to say that it is more tragic that the Romani suffered as the Jews did. This is meant to state I am sorry I only saw the Holocaust as belonging to one ethic group)
Separate from this, but tied very strongly to Human Rights is the case of the Fritzl family. I was going to say that I wasn't sure what was worse - that it happened at all, or that it was concealed so well. I think they are the same thing. Unfortunately, I was a victem of sexual abuse by my mother's boyfriend at the age of 9. It didn't happen just once, and it didn't always involve force by him. I do not take responsibility for his actions. Adults are the responsibile party. My abuser was thrown out of the house a year later, when I was 10, and I was sexually abused through that time. Not every day, but it happened. I am not ashamed to say it happened, or even that I did not fight, which is often contrary to what we are taught. You have to fight for it to be wrong.
No. Abuse of any kind is wrong. That this occured in this woman's home, that she was imprisoned and sexually tortured by her father, enslaved and forced to bear his children... it's morally reprehensible. And while I was sexually abused as a young girl, *I* was rescued from at after a year. This woman's entire life was centered around this monstrous reprobate's sick desires. His claim that he couldn't help it, and the sentence of life imprisonment with psychiatric care will never excuse the fact that this young woman was imprisoned after trying to escape the horror of her father's vices (he began abusing her at age 11). Her mother was a passive partner to the abuse, and while academically we may call them enablers, I cannot help but think that he had a hold over her that she will never understand or acknowledge. You don't start out abused, just as the abuser never starts out abusing. It's a very gradual process, and eventually, you accept the abuse as normal, even welcoming it after it's abated for a while.
While I am no psychologist, I feel safe in saying that the mother, while not victimized so brutally, is a victem as well as the daughter, as well as the daughter's children. My heart aches for them, and I find my emotions putting hands up over the logical me's eyes.. "Shhh, it's okay, lets go think about something else now."
For me, there will never be a WHY great enough to undo the damage that was caused these people, but more frightenly, there is brutality, fear and control happening every day in every walk of life. Although your neighbor may not have a dungeon, do you really know what happens? Most of the time, probably yes, but most people don't say "Oh, he was a control freak, always yelling at his wife, that daughter of his always looked scared around him, and she would never talk when they were together. I wondered why he was building an addition under his house and would disappear for days at a time. Yeah, I never really thought he was a good guy." No.. most of us end up saying "He seemed like a nice guy, always kept to himself"
This doesn't imply a need for the reader to go investigate their neighbor's homes, only a glimmer of awareness that brutality and abuse occur everywhere.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Blah blah biddity Boo
Sometimes you just need to get crap out of your head without having a cohesive element, message OR style before you start typing.
This is one of those times.
On parenting : I'm sucking out loud, and i know it. I know I have been severely shirking my responsibilities (Dude, seriously, check out how many times the letter 'i' appears in this word. CRAZY)and it directly impacts my ability to parent WELL and to do.. well, EVERYTHING ELSE well. I don't NEED order in everything, but dammit, I want to walk down the hallway to my room or the bathroom and not have to step around, over, through or ON games or toys. And.. I do. I need to just step up and start DOING instead of bitching.
The kids have caught onto the bitching as "she's annoyed with us and we'll scurry around and get busy, but really, we're so not doing this on our own, and she'll mellow out soon and go back to playing her game, and then we'll be able to get back to doing whatever it is we were doing before she rudely interrupted us with this nonsensical 'cleaning' thing she keeps making us do." Or... something like that. But its no one's fault but mine that my children don't clean. They know I hate to do it myself, and that if they put it off long enough, there WILL be a blow up, nagging, then they can just do whatever. *sigh*
Every journey starts with a step.. blah blah.. yeah yeah, I know. I KNOW, but... dammit, I'm a stubborn ass. Totally, and I KNOW it. I know that I will do the exact opposite of what someone expects me to do if they push hard enough. I chalk it up to "YOURE NOT THE BOSS OF ME." Think I'll ever grow out of it? *shrug*
So, yeah, a full month of my head up my butt, and I'm coming back around.. mostly, and I'll stick it right back up there, because once you get used to the stink, you don't mind it too much.
I had another point to make, but apparently this post wanted to be about my lack of parenting. It's hard to take an identity out of growing children into adults for me. I just.. I donno. Some people are called to that. I don't think I'm one of those people, so I have to do the best I can with what I got. So, we buy new sheets and comforters (yeah, we probably didn't NEED them, but we GOT them), new shoes (yeah, they did need them) and laundry soap. After the bill comes up, we're looking at -$450 but happy kids. It's a balancing act.
Blah blah.. etc. I think i'll go to bed, and just call this post good. I didn't accomplish anything by this, I didn't learn anything new, or make some extraordinary revelation. I just posted what was in my head.
Scary place, huh?
This is one of those times.
On parenting : I'm sucking out loud, and i know it. I know I have been severely shirking my responsibilities (Dude, seriously, check out how many times the letter 'i' appears in this word. CRAZY)and it directly impacts my ability to parent WELL and to do.. well, EVERYTHING ELSE well. I don't NEED order in everything, but dammit, I want to walk down the hallway to my room or the bathroom and not have to step around, over, through or ON games or toys. And.. I do. I need to just step up and start DOING instead of bitching.
The kids have caught onto the bitching as "she's annoyed with us and we'll scurry around and get busy, but really, we're so not doing this on our own, and she'll mellow out soon and go back to playing her game, and then we'll be able to get back to doing whatever it is we were doing before she rudely interrupted us with this nonsensical 'cleaning' thing she keeps making us do." Or... something like that. But its no one's fault but mine that my children don't clean. They know I hate to do it myself, and that if they put it off long enough, there WILL be a blow up, nagging, then they can just do whatever. *sigh*
Every journey starts with a step.. blah blah.. yeah yeah, I know. I KNOW, but... dammit, I'm a stubborn ass. Totally, and I KNOW it. I know that I will do the exact opposite of what someone expects me to do if they push hard enough. I chalk it up to "YOURE NOT THE BOSS OF ME." Think I'll ever grow out of it? *shrug*
So, yeah, a full month of my head up my butt, and I'm coming back around.. mostly, and I'll stick it right back up there, because once you get used to the stink, you don't mind it too much.
I had another point to make, but apparently this post wanted to be about my lack of parenting. It's hard to take an identity out of growing children into adults for me. I just.. I donno. Some people are called to that. I don't think I'm one of those people, so I have to do the best I can with what I got. So, we buy new sheets and comforters (yeah, we probably didn't NEED them, but we GOT them), new shoes (yeah, they did need them) and laundry soap. After the bill comes up, we're looking at -$450 but happy kids. It's a balancing act.
Blah blah.. etc. I think i'll go to bed, and just call this post good. I didn't accomplish anything by this, I didn't learn anything new, or make some extraordinary revelation. I just posted what was in my head.
Scary place, huh?
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
*Runs screaming from room*
So.. teenagers.
Sigh. I was one, and I know I sucked out loud. Just got the progress report for the oldest. B-, C-, D+, C, A, A, A Anyone want to guess what the A's are in.. if you picked electives and PE, you get a gold star and a tart gummy bear.
I unloaded on her. Both barels, and I was. Not. Nice. No, I was downright mean. I regret it, and part of me thinks she's had it coming.. but.. really do any of us 'have it coming' when we get chewed out? probably not, and she probably didn't either.
"I CANT CARE MORE ABOUT THIS THAN YOU CAN!" And.. I mean that, even when I lost my temper and called her an idiot (ouch... Jesus, how much of my mother's rants did *I* forget?). She's NOT an idiot. She's a bright, funny, smart bubbly girl. Only, she picks the wrong people to hang with.. a girl who cuts herself.. a boy who has ZERO interest in her, yet she's over the moon about... :(
Yeah.. teenager years.. I DO remember the angst, the heartache and the stupidity. I don't think my mother yelled at me the way I have yelled at her. :( I regret that and wish I were a less impatient person.
I also wish I knew how to motivate her to JUST DO HER DAMN HOMEWORK. Seriously.
There are no answers to this, and the "you're a bad parent, just be a good one" people can bite my shiny metal ass. I'm doing the best I can.. Actually, I'm doing BETTER than *I* can most of the time, and I DO fall flat on my face, but by gum, I get up, dust myself off, and get going again, because *I* have NO other option.
Can I do better than I am doing? Yes. Will I do better than I am doing? Most of the time. Is it any of your damn business? No, but this is MY BLOG.. AND IT's ALL ABOUT ME! (winks at Krista)
How I'm going to survive the next 14 years is beyond me. Oh lord... Heh.
Sigh. I was one, and I know I sucked out loud. Just got the progress report for the oldest. B-, C-, D+, C, A, A, A Anyone want to guess what the A's are in.. if you picked electives and PE, you get a gold star and a tart gummy bear.
I unloaded on her. Both barels, and I was. Not. Nice. No, I was downright mean. I regret it, and part of me thinks she's had it coming.. but.. really do any of us 'have it coming' when we get chewed out? probably not, and she probably didn't either.
"I CANT CARE MORE ABOUT THIS THAN YOU CAN!" And.. I mean that, even when I lost my temper and called her an idiot (ouch... Jesus, how much of my mother's rants did *I* forget?). She's NOT an idiot. She's a bright, funny, smart bubbly girl. Only, she picks the wrong people to hang with.. a girl who cuts herself.. a boy who has ZERO interest in her, yet she's over the moon about... :(
Yeah.. teenager years.. I DO remember the angst, the heartache and the stupidity. I don't think my mother yelled at me the way I have yelled at her. :( I regret that and wish I were a less impatient person.
I also wish I knew how to motivate her to JUST DO HER DAMN HOMEWORK. Seriously.
There are no answers to this, and the "you're a bad parent, just be a good one" people can bite my shiny metal ass. I'm doing the best I can.. Actually, I'm doing BETTER than *I* can most of the time, and I DO fall flat on my face, but by gum, I get up, dust myself off, and get going again, because *I* have NO other option.
Can I do better than I am doing? Yes. Will I do better than I am doing? Most of the time. Is it any of your damn business? No, but this is MY BLOG.. AND IT's ALL ABOUT ME! (winks at Krista)
How I'm going to survive the next 14 years is beyond me. Oh lord... Heh.
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