When you Wish Upon a Star

2 years, 3 months and 6 days ago, I wished upon a star. I departed from my normal wishes by asking for Happiness, "Whatever it takes." Pretty tall order. Especially when you cast out to the Universe and ask for Happiness, in whatever form the Universe deems fit to throw back at you. And, I have achieved it, mostly. I am Happy, overall, I am. But I have moments where I realize what my life entails.

I do a laundry list of all the garbage that's in my life.. Ex who would love to see me fail, just so he can feel smug and "right" *check*. 5 children who need their mother more than she can be home for them *check, check, check, check, check* A run down rental home *check.. eww* A significant lack of time to handle life's realities? *CHEEEEECK!* A job that pays better than I was accustomed to making, yet still isn't quite enough? *CHECK!* An unending desire to be loved and appreciated, cared for, protected, and ... whoa.. wait.. back up..

Yeah, that one's on there. I think that one's on every one's list though. The first conscious goal I ever remember having was to be a Dr. Why? because I had 2 massive seizures before the age of 7, and no medical reason why. The puzzle of why, coupled with the fact that it had happened to ME pulled me in and spoke to me early in life.. at 7. I knew ... KNEW I would be a Dr. at 7. Then, I discovered I could sing. Not just a little, but pretty damn well. That became ambition #2, replacing #1.

Then, it happened... puberty, and the goal of acceptance, and ultimately, love. What do I want more than anything? It's not money, fame, fortune or even everlasting security. It's love. Its to have someone get me, understand me and want me more than anyone else in the world. It's to have someone want to be with me, near me more than anything else in the world. And its to return that feeling. That one showed up about 15, and never really left. I have mistaken love more than once, I even thought I was in love a few times, but realize, in retrospect that I only have truly been in love twice in my life.

One of the times is a Current Thing. The other was the Ex, and when I think about HOW much I loved him, I feel sad, ashamed (because he was SUCH AN ASS) and quiet inside. I KNEW I loved him. I KNEW he was THE ONE, only, he wasn't. I'm not sure there IS a "ONE" for any one person, but I love the thought so much that I still cling to it. I cling to the idea that SOMEONE Is my ONE so hard, because it gives me hope that this life culminates into more than the daily grind. That there's more to life than a paycheck, housework, homework, raising children, paying bills, surviving to fight another day is something I desperately need, it keeps me going. It gives me hope that there's more than just... This...It is hard to sit and wait, hope, have faith that the universe will answer the call, and what makes the Current One hard is not knowing, is having to have faith that if it is Meant To Be, it WILL be.

Happiness is as much a state of mind as a consequence, but sometimes, hope is pretty bright and shiny, and it's easy to be blinded by hope.

I hope, I dream, I believe, I put faith in the intangible, and I KNOW I make myself vulnerable for it. I want to love so big, so completely that I glow, that I shine with it. I need to believe in that, I need to believe it is real, that it happens.

But I also realize that.. if it is real, if my faith, hope, beliefs and dreams are real, will come to fruition, I can't force the hand, I can't force the issue. So, I have to step back and say "I want love". And let the Universe do its work for me.