2 weeks out. It alternately feels longer and shorter. Life went on just fine without me, and even held the door to usher me back in... only... I donno. I went through the door, sure, but I keep looking back out that door. Is that normal for everyone coming back from vacation? I just.. I donno.. my focus is elsewhere.
I miss him. I might go... oh, I donno 10 minutes without thinking about SOMETHING to do with him... holding his hand, his hands.. him holding me, hugging each other, his scent, his voice (oh... shivers), his eyes... Oh Lord help me, those eyes. The kind and gentle demeanor with my damn dog. Going on dates with him? How he held the door for me? How he listened to everything I said, really listened? His intelligence? Him singing, the crushing feeling of missing him, like someone is squeezing my chest so tightly, that I have to fight to breathe.
What the fuck happened?! Did I fall more in love than I ever remember being before? Lord help me. I haven't been in the physical presence with him more than 4 days... but, God help me if I don't feel like someone ripped off a limb, tossed it aside and said 'You'll manage" Yeah... Manage. Key word.
Am I a friggin' idiot for feeling like this? Is this just the beginning stages of love, where you want to wrap yourself in the other person so tightly that you end up frigging' wearing them? I mean, what the fuck? It scares me, and at the same time, I want to run toward the feeling with my arms held wide and embrace it fully. I want to feel that love all over me, around me, through me. I want it, I want it!
I want HIM. I cannot crush or consume him, and I don't WANT to, but Oh, how I miss him. I miss his arms folded around me, perfectly fitting around my shoulders. I miss him making me feel small, beautiful, lovely, LOVED. I miss feeling like he cared about ME as a person, who I am, what I think, what I feel. That I wasn't just another chick.
Oh man. A part of me worries that I am projecting too much on that infatuation period.. you become consumed with desire for the other person, so that you might forge a lasting bond... or at least get one hell of a romp. Part of me worries that I was treated so badly for so much of my life that I am hanging so much hope, expectation and promise on a Great Vacation.
Yet, with all that nay-saying, and analyzing.. I felt something.. like a curled up piece of my soul uncoiled, went to him, wrapped around him like a cat. I felt like I found a safe haven, where I could be goofy, silly, that I could make bad jokes and not be judged for their badness. That I could open up and sing... SING in front of him.. that not only could I curl around HIM, HIM, Scott, the Mayun!, but I could also walk beside him... that we could boogie on down together in total ... TOTAL silliness and it was just... it wasn't weird.
I never felt awkward or stressed about making conversation. I never felt like I had to TRY to make stuff work. Is that just because we talked for years and years and years? Maybe.. who knows... but... maybe this is where I look at how this all made me feel, and just decide "don't over analyze it." Maybe 'it is what it is' and that's all there needs to be about it.
I do know this.. I love this person. Everything about him I saw, I loved. Oh God, I miss him. (Even if he did cut my head off in this picture)
:)
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