The Fair Just Left Town.

So, yeah, mom was right "life isn't fair" and it's just so true. It doesn't cushion the blow or make it suck any less, though. The Ex has been a real ass lately. I am getting child support now, thanks to wage garnishment. The overnights every other weekend have stopped though. I'm coming to peace with losing my personal time and space, but what I cannot come to peace with is the turmoil and pain it's causing my children. He no longer has a car that transports all 5 of our children (can you BELIEVE he wanted 10?) so he will pick and choose who he's taking when the weather looks "iffy." If he doesn't take the 5 seater, he makes them walk everywhere. At his pace. And it's not just my children whining, when I lived with him, he never walked my pace, and I had to run to keep up with him.

So, if they're not hoofing it (not in and of itself a bad thing), he picks and chooses who goes. Often it's my oldest. They haven't gotten along since the divorce, and thanks to his way of treating her (either he's treating her like she's stupid or terrible, or he's pretending she doesn't exist), we are going through therapy and treating with mild anti-depressants. We (my friends and I) knew that his interest would wane, and eventually he would disappear. Coming from his abuse myself, I didn't really think this would be a BAD thing, but I'm watching my children hurt from it.

I think the one who is going to be hurt MOST by all of this is Isabella, because she's his favorite. She always goes with him, and tonight she was snotty about what she and her younger sister got to do. She felt bad when I told her it was pretty crappy for her to gloat about her day when no one else was INVITED.

I know, I know. Life isn't fair. I have asked to have his visitation curtailed. I have asked what I can do. I can't do anything. IT SUCKS. I'm tired of being asked why they didn't get to go, why he didn't call. When they WANT to see him, he doesn't want to take them. My son said "Its like he hates us"

WHAT do you say to that? where's my correct answer? I felt myself fumbling for anything besides "Daddy's an asshole, honey" All I could say was I'm sorry, and that I understand why he's upset. At least his cat loves him best. But the boy was hurting. He's on the cusp of puberty, and his one male role model has been abandoning him. He doesn't feel comfortable talking to him about the confusion he feels. I'm very clear in telling him that it's okay if he DOES want to talk to his dad - he's certainly more an expert on THE CHANGE in boys than *I* am. Yet he says no, then asks small questions of me. I read and help him understand to the best of my ability, but if you don't own the equipment...

I know that life isn't fair, and I know that my children will come to learn this in time, but it's a hard lesson to let them learn. Especially when it comes from one of the people who SHOULD love them best. I pray that God gives me the strength to do this daily. My anger has calmed a lot, and the wildness has diminished, but I feel like I'm a long way from a 'good' mom. That hurts, because these people deserve me to love them and be patient, and I think I'm largely doing a better job lately. All I can do is improve, but I can't help but feel like I'm failing them somehow by not doing SOMETHING to stop his shenanigans. IS there more I should be doing? AM I being a jackass and missing the most basic thing? Telling him "you will take everyone, or you won't take ANYONE" Maybe I should try that, but I fear getting into trouble. I'm so scared of doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. GAH!

I wish I KNEW what I need to do here.