Sometimes you just need to get crap out of your head without having a cohesive element, message OR style before you start typing.
This is one of those times.
On parenting : I'm sucking out loud, and i know it. I know I have been severely shirking my responsibilities (Dude, seriously, check out how many times the letter 'i' appears in this word. CRAZY)and it directly impacts my ability to parent WELL and to do.. well, EVERYTHING ELSE well. I don't NEED order in everything, but dammit, I want to walk down the hallway to my room or the bathroom and not have to step around, over, through or ON games or toys. And.. I do. I need to just step up and start DOING instead of bitching.
The kids have caught onto the bitching as "she's annoyed with us and we'll scurry around and get busy, but really, we're so not doing this on our own, and she'll mellow out soon and go back to playing her game, and then we'll be able to get back to doing whatever it is we were doing before she rudely interrupted us with this nonsensical 'cleaning' thing she keeps making us do." Or... something like that. But its no one's fault but mine that my children don't clean. They know I hate to do it myself, and that if they put it off long enough, there WILL be a blow up, nagging, then they can just do whatever. *sigh*
Every journey starts with a step.. blah blah.. yeah yeah, I know. I KNOW, but... dammit, I'm a stubborn ass. Totally, and I KNOW it. I know that I will do the exact opposite of what someone expects me to do if they push hard enough. I chalk it up to "YOURE NOT THE BOSS OF ME." Think I'll ever grow out of it? *shrug*
So, yeah, a full month of my head up my butt, and I'm coming back around.. mostly, and I'll stick it right back up there, because once you get used to the stink, you don't mind it too much.
I had another point to make, but apparently this post wanted to be about my lack of parenting. It's hard to take an identity out of growing children into adults for me. I just.. I donno. Some people are called to that. I don't think I'm one of those people, so I have to do the best I can with what I got. So, we buy new sheets and comforters (yeah, we probably didn't NEED them, but we GOT them), new shoes (yeah, they did need them) and laundry soap. After the bill comes up, we're looking at -$450 but happy kids. It's a balancing act.
Blah blah.. etc. I think i'll go to bed, and just call this post good. I didn't accomplish anything by this, I didn't learn anything new, or make some extraordinary revelation. I just posted what was in my head.
Scary place, huh?
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
*Runs screaming from room*
So.. teenagers.
Sigh. I was one, and I know I sucked out loud. Just got the progress report for the oldest. B-, C-, D+, C, A, A, A Anyone want to guess what the A's are in.. if you picked electives and PE, you get a gold star and a tart gummy bear.
I unloaded on her. Both barels, and I was. Not. Nice. No, I was downright mean. I regret it, and part of me thinks she's had it coming.. but.. really do any of us 'have it coming' when we get chewed out? probably not, and she probably didn't either.
"I CANT CARE MORE ABOUT THIS THAN YOU CAN!" And.. I mean that, even when I lost my temper and called her an idiot (ouch... Jesus, how much of my mother's rants did *I* forget?). She's NOT an idiot. She's a bright, funny, smart bubbly girl. Only, she picks the wrong people to hang with.. a girl who cuts herself.. a boy who has ZERO interest in her, yet she's over the moon about... :(
Yeah.. teenager years.. I DO remember the angst, the heartache and the stupidity. I don't think my mother yelled at me the way I have yelled at her. :( I regret that and wish I were a less impatient person.
I also wish I knew how to motivate her to JUST DO HER DAMN HOMEWORK. Seriously.
There are no answers to this, and the "you're a bad parent, just be a good one" people can bite my shiny metal ass. I'm doing the best I can.. Actually, I'm doing BETTER than *I* can most of the time, and I DO fall flat on my face, but by gum, I get up, dust myself off, and get going again, because *I* have NO other option.
Can I do better than I am doing? Yes. Will I do better than I am doing? Most of the time. Is it any of your damn business? No, but this is MY BLOG.. AND IT's ALL ABOUT ME! (winks at Krista)
How I'm going to survive the next 14 years is beyond me. Oh lord... Heh.
Sigh. I was one, and I know I sucked out loud. Just got the progress report for the oldest. B-, C-, D+, C, A, A, A Anyone want to guess what the A's are in.. if you picked electives and PE, you get a gold star and a tart gummy bear.
I unloaded on her. Both barels, and I was. Not. Nice. No, I was downright mean. I regret it, and part of me thinks she's had it coming.. but.. really do any of us 'have it coming' when we get chewed out? probably not, and she probably didn't either.
"I CANT CARE MORE ABOUT THIS THAN YOU CAN!" And.. I mean that, even when I lost my temper and called her an idiot (ouch... Jesus, how much of my mother's rants did *I* forget?). She's NOT an idiot. She's a bright, funny, smart bubbly girl. Only, she picks the wrong people to hang with.. a girl who cuts herself.. a boy who has ZERO interest in her, yet she's over the moon about... :(
Yeah.. teenager years.. I DO remember the angst, the heartache and the stupidity. I don't think my mother yelled at me the way I have yelled at her. :( I regret that and wish I were a less impatient person.
I also wish I knew how to motivate her to JUST DO HER DAMN HOMEWORK. Seriously.
There are no answers to this, and the "you're a bad parent, just be a good one" people can bite my shiny metal ass. I'm doing the best I can.. Actually, I'm doing BETTER than *I* can most of the time, and I DO fall flat on my face, but by gum, I get up, dust myself off, and get going again, because *I* have NO other option.
Can I do better than I am doing? Yes. Will I do better than I am doing? Most of the time. Is it any of your damn business? No, but this is MY BLOG.. AND IT's ALL ABOUT ME! (winks at Krista)
How I'm going to survive the next 14 years is beyond me. Oh lord... Heh.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Must.. keep... hope..
This is going to have to become my dogged mantra. I recently told The Boy that if you can't change circumstances, you have to accept them. Change encompasses a broad array of options, by the way.
Typically, when faced with trauma, no matter the type, I freak out, avoid dealing with it, freak out some more, then come to a place of resolve where I trust that the universe won't give me the proverbial shaft. I'm forcing myself to go to the zen state, because frankly, I don't like myself very much right now. I'm irritable, lazy and pissy. And I have been kinda bitchy to The Boy. And I know he needs me right now. And I feel like a total jerkface.
I want very much for things to go my way, and right now, they just don't LOOK like they are. Looks are often deceiving, and unfortunately, I am NOT a patient person. I'm going to have to work on that. ;(
I want... I want a lot of things, and to ME, none of them feel extravagent or extreme. I want to be loved, first and foremost, and right now, I don't LIKE myself all the time, so that makes the being LOVED thing harder.
I totally hope that I am not becoming a spineless girl creature who bases her self-worth upon the acceptance of a man, because I've done that before, bought the T-Shirt, wore it out.. etc.
SCREW THAT. But dammit, I want The Boy to go to bed with me tonight, and to wake up with me tomorrow morning. IS that too much to want? Sigh. who knows.
Michigan feels pretty flippin' far away right about now. c'mon tax return... speed your way to me so I can get back on even keel and schedule my trip back east.
Wait, is that asking too much again? I can never tell.
If you have any spare hope laying around (it's okay, leftover hope is still good, just like roll-over minutes), toss some my way. I may not catch it right away, but I promise not to complain too much if it slaps me in the face. Especially if it makes a splatty sound when it hits me. Then it's just good fun.
Typically, when faced with trauma, no matter the type, I freak out, avoid dealing with it, freak out some more, then come to a place of resolve where I trust that the universe won't give me the proverbial shaft. I'm forcing myself to go to the zen state, because frankly, I don't like myself very much right now. I'm irritable, lazy and pissy. And I have been kinda bitchy to The Boy. And I know he needs me right now. And I feel like a total jerkface.
I want very much for things to go my way, and right now, they just don't LOOK like they are. Looks are often deceiving, and unfortunately, I am NOT a patient person. I'm going to have to work on that. ;(
I want... I want a lot of things, and to ME, none of them feel extravagent or extreme. I want to be loved, first and foremost, and right now, I don't LIKE myself all the time, so that makes the being LOVED thing harder.
I totally hope that I am not becoming a spineless girl creature who bases her self-worth upon the acceptance of a man, because I've done that before, bought the T-Shirt, wore it out.. etc.
SCREW THAT. But dammit, I want The Boy to go to bed with me tonight, and to wake up with me tomorrow morning. IS that too much to want? Sigh. who knows.
Michigan feels pretty flippin' far away right about now. c'mon tax return... speed your way to me so I can get back on even keel and schedule my trip back east.
Wait, is that asking too much again? I can never tell.
If you have any spare hope laying around (it's okay, leftover hope is still good, just like roll-over minutes), toss some my way. I may not catch it right away, but I promise not to complain too much if it slaps me in the face. Especially if it makes a splatty sound when it hits me. Then it's just good fun.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
That still, small voice
You know how you feel a tugging leading you to do something? Yeah, been having that. I don't feel drawn to change careers, or to do something ambitious or crazy different. I feel drawn to my children and a strong need that I need to get back to what I began over Christmas break. The simplest answer is sometimes the most correct one. I'm getting lazy again, the housework is backing up, I'm plopping down at the desk right when I get in, or I'm talking to a friend late into the evening. I should be walking in, getting the lay of the land and getting to work.
Lately when I revisit what I CAN do against everything my Ex does, I come back to the kids.. I cannot shield them from his garbage, but I can most certainly shield them from MY Garbage, and lately, my garbage is that I haven't been cleaning my house. How SILLY is that? I don't function well in clutter and chaos. Maybe it's a fault, but I kinda think that it's fairly normal for most people. 'Fix what you can, let God sort out the rest."
By golly, it's pretty darn good advice.
(Edited: Wow. I didn't cuss ONCE. *blink blink* Man, he IS Taming my fierceness)
Lately when I revisit what I CAN do against everything my Ex does, I come back to the kids.. I cannot shield them from his garbage, but I can most certainly shield them from MY Garbage, and lately, my garbage is that I haven't been cleaning my house. How SILLY is that? I don't function well in clutter and chaos. Maybe it's a fault, but I kinda think that it's fairly normal for most people. 'Fix what you can, let God sort out the rest."
By golly, it's pretty darn good advice.
(Edited: Wow. I didn't cuss ONCE. *blink blink* Man, he IS Taming my fierceness)
Monday, January 26, 2009
Try not to spite the face..
Perhaps this a mark of maturity and acceptance of the mantle of "mother", but recently I've become aware that I have a child about to turn 14 in less than 5 months. That means in 4 years and 5 months I will have a child who is graduating High School. I will not be 40 then. HOLY CRIPES!
For the last .. however many years, I have been running a mental count down to when I will be emancipated from my children, and everyone around me keeps saying "it will end faster than you think, don't miss anything" and suddenly I'm seeing the wisdom. In 4 years, I will have a child hurtling toward adulthood and independance. A child who will probably think they are way more mature and 'with it' than they really are, a child who will probably roll her eyes at me and ignore every bit of sage advice from the "Hey, kiddo, I've BEEN THERE" column.
Oh Jees. I have to say that yes, I think I'm finally ready for this task that I'm doing. Lord help me and give me the strength not to screw it up on an epic scale. Remember, we have 5 of them to raise and release into the wild, and #5 goes by the nickname "Cute Demon Baby."
God help us all.
For the last .. however many years, I have been running a mental count down to when I will be emancipated from my children, and everyone around me keeps saying "it will end faster than you think, don't miss anything" and suddenly I'm seeing the wisdom. In 4 years, I will have a child hurtling toward adulthood and independance. A child who will probably think they are way more mature and 'with it' than they really are, a child who will probably roll her eyes at me and ignore every bit of sage advice from the "Hey, kiddo, I've BEEN THERE" column.
Oh Jees. I have to say that yes, I think I'm finally ready for this task that I'm doing. Lord help me and give me the strength not to screw it up on an epic scale. Remember, we have 5 of them to raise and release into the wild, and #5 goes by the nickname "Cute Demon Baby."
God help us all.
The Fair Just Left Town.
So, yeah, mom was right "life isn't fair" and it's just so true. It doesn't cushion the blow or make it suck any less, though. The Ex has been a real ass lately. I am getting child support now, thanks to wage garnishment. The overnights every other weekend have stopped though. I'm coming to peace with losing my personal time and space, but what I cannot come to peace with is the turmoil and pain it's causing my children. He no longer has a car that transports all 5 of our children (can you BELIEVE he wanted 10?) so he will pick and choose who he's taking when the weather looks "iffy." If he doesn't take the 5 seater, he makes them walk everywhere. At his pace. And it's not just my children whining, when I lived with him, he never walked my pace, and I had to run to keep up with him.
So, if they're not hoofing it (not in and of itself a bad thing), he picks and chooses who goes. Often it's my oldest. They haven't gotten along since the divorce, and thanks to his way of treating her (either he's treating her like she's stupid or terrible, or he's pretending she doesn't exist), we are going through therapy and treating with mild anti-depressants. We (my friends and I) knew that his interest would wane, and eventually he would disappear. Coming from his abuse myself, I didn't really think this would be a BAD thing, but I'm watching my children hurt from it.
I think the one who is going to be hurt MOST by all of this is Isabella, because she's his favorite. She always goes with him, and tonight she was snotty about what she and her younger sister got to do. She felt bad when I told her it was pretty crappy for her to gloat about her day when no one else was INVITED.
I know, I know. Life isn't fair. I have asked to have his visitation curtailed. I have asked what I can do. I can't do anything. IT SUCKS. I'm tired of being asked why they didn't get to go, why he didn't call. When they WANT to see him, he doesn't want to take them. My son said "Its like he hates us"
WHAT do you say to that? where's my correct answer? I felt myself fumbling for anything besides "Daddy's an asshole, honey" All I could say was I'm sorry, and that I understand why he's upset. At least his cat loves him best. But the boy was hurting. He's on the cusp of puberty, and his one male role model has been abandoning him. He doesn't feel comfortable talking to him about the confusion he feels. I'm very clear in telling him that it's okay if he DOES want to talk to his dad - he's certainly more an expert on THE CHANGE in boys than *I* am. Yet he says no, then asks small questions of me. I read and help him understand to the best of my ability, but if you don't own the equipment...
I know that life isn't fair, and I know that my children will come to learn this in time, but it's a hard lesson to let them learn. Especially when it comes from one of the people who SHOULD love them best. I pray that God gives me the strength to do this daily. My anger has calmed a lot, and the wildness has diminished, but I feel like I'm a long way from a 'good' mom. That hurts, because these people deserve me to love them and be patient, and I think I'm largely doing a better job lately. All I can do is improve, but I can't help but feel like I'm failing them somehow by not doing SOMETHING to stop his shenanigans. IS there more I should be doing? AM I being a jackass and missing the most basic thing? Telling him "you will take everyone, or you won't take ANYONE" Maybe I should try that, but I fear getting into trouble. I'm so scared of doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. GAH!
I wish I KNEW what I need to do here.
So, if they're not hoofing it (not in and of itself a bad thing), he picks and chooses who goes. Often it's my oldest. They haven't gotten along since the divorce, and thanks to his way of treating her (either he's treating her like she's stupid or terrible, or he's pretending she doesn't exist), we are going through therapy and treating with mild anti-depressants. We (my friends and I) knew that his interest would wane, and eventually he would disappear. Coming from his abuse myself, I didn't really think this would be a BAD thing, but I'm watching my children hurt from it.
I think the one who is going to be hurt MOST by all of this is Isabella, because she's his favorite. She always goes with him, and tonight she was snotty about what she and her younger sister got to do. She felt bad when I told her it was pretty crappy for her to gloat about her day when no one else was INVITED.
I know, I know. Life isn't fair. I have asked to have his visitation curtailed. I have asked what I can do. I can't do anything. IT SUCKS. I'm tired of being asked why they didn't get to go, why he didn't call. When they WANT to see him, he doesn't want to take them. My son said "Its like he hates us"
WHAT do you say to that? where's my correct answer? I felt myself fumbling for anything besides "Daddy's an asshole, honey" All I could say was I'm sorry, and that I understand why he's upset. At least his cat loves him best. But the boy was hurting. He's on the cusp of puberty, and his one male role model has been abandoning him. He doesn't feel comfortable talking to him about the confusion he feels. I'm very clear in telling him that it's okay if he DOES want to talk to his dad - he's certainly more an expert on THE CHANGE in boys than *I* am. Yet he says no, then asks small questions of me. I read and help him understand to the best of my ability, but if you don't own the equipment...
I know that life isn't fair, and I know that my children will come to learn this in time, but it's a hard lesson to let them learn. Especially when it comes from one of the people who SHOULD love them best. I pray that God gives me the strength to do this daily. My anger has calmed a lot, and the wildness has diminished, but I feel like I'm a long way from a 'good' mom. That hurts, because these people deserve me to love them and be patient, and I think I'm largely doing a better job lately. All I can do is improve, but I can't help but feel like I'm failing them somehow by not doing SOMETHING to stop his shenanigans. IS there more I should be doing? AM I being a jackass and missing the most basic thing? Telling him "you will take everyone, or you won't take ANYONE" Maybe I should try that, but I fear getting into trouble. I'm so scared of doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. GAH!
I wish I KNEW what I need to do here.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Is this thing still on?
Well, HI!
Amember me?! Life has sucked me in, held me close, gave me a wedgie and then turned me loose before it could give me a 'brown eye.' (if you don't know what that is, be grateful you didn't have a crass older cousin) I have had some joys - 2 weeks off, albeit self-paid thanks to budget crises and a mandatory furlough; one helluva Christmas (thanks Jesus!), a reconnection to my mom who I didn't realize I'd missed. I've also had setbacks - my ex stopped taking the kids on overnights, blaming me for him becoming homeless (I'm a bloodsucking bitch, draining him dry via child support and court fees he's brought on himself) and that means no down time or days off. Initially, I am embarassed to admit to being pissy about it. After 3 months with NO breaks from my children, I've come back to the "Hey, it's what it is" zen of parenting. It's hard, it's messy, it's discouraging at times, but it's MINE. These are MY children. Instilling in them traits that I can be proud of is something I have lost sight of. After 2 weeks of them constantly in my face, I'm reminded of my long-term goal.. releasing them into the wild as productive human beings.
Aside from the Ex being stubborn and dragging his feet - we had a settlement drawn up where all he had to do was sign and be DONE, he wouldn't owe anything else and wouldn't need to DO anythign else, and the idiot didn't do it, so NOW we get to go back for round... Um... yeah, 45? in the court, whereby we ask for more money because he's being a dipshit and not signing papers. See, I'm hardcore into the notion of not being Susanne TYLER anymore.. I'd like to go back to my maiden name, Brorby. It's mine, ain't no one take it from me! Anyway, back to the initial rant here.. Aside from him being a dipshit, I haven't had too many bumps in the road, or if I have I have come to a place where I can weather them and not freak the hell out. Much.. often. Okay, i freak out better.
I'm blessed and grateful. I feel like if I expound upon it I will lose some meaning, but suffice it to say that I am grateful for my fortunes.
I hope the new year has been good to everyone - it's been ROUGH. SO rough for so many. For those who are jobless, or soon to be jobless, I'm pulling for you. God speed his blessings to you.
*lighting a candle*
Amember me?! Life has sucked me in, held me close, gave me a wedgie and then turned me loose before it could give me a 'brown eye.' (if you don't know what that is, be grateful you didn't have a crass older cousin) I have had some joys - 2 weeks off, albeit self-paid thanks to budget crises and a mandatory furlough; one helluva Christmas (thanks Jesus!), a reconnection to my mom who I didn't realize I'd missed. I've also had setbacks - my ex stopped taking the kids on overnights, blaming me for him becoming homeless (I'm a bloodsucking bitch, draining him dry via child support and court fees he's brought on himself) and that means no down time or days off. Initially, I am embarassed to admit to being pissy about it. After 3 months with NO breaks from my children, I've come back to the "Hey, it's what it is" zen of parenting. It's hard, it's messy, it's discouraging at times, but it's MINE. These are MY children. Instilling in them traits that I can be proud of is something I have lost sight of. After 2 weeks of them constantly in my face, I'm reminded of my long-term goal.. releasing them into the wild as productive human beings.
Aside from the Ex being stubborn and dragging his feet - we had a settlement drawn up where all he had to do was sign and be DONE, he wouldn't owe anything else and wouldn't need to DO anythign else, and the idiot didn't do it, so NOW we get to go back for round... Um... yeah, 45? in the court, whereby we ask for more money because he's being a dipshit and not signing papers. See, I'm hardcore into the notion of not being Susanne TYLER anymore.. I'd like to go back to my maiden name, Brorby. It's mine, ain't no one take it from me! Anyway, back to the initial rant here.. Aside from him being a dipshit, I haven't had too many bumps in the road, or if I have I have come to a place where I can weather them and not freak the hell out. Much.. often. Okay, i freak out better.
I'm blessed and grateful. I feel like if I expound upon it I will lose some meaning, but suffice it to say that I am grateful for my fortunes.
I hope the new year has been good to everyone - it's been ROUGH. SO rough for so many. For those who are jobless, or soon to be jobless, I'm pulling for you. God speed his blessings to you.
*lighting a candle*
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