Must.. keep... hope..

This is going to have to become my dogged mantra. I recently told The Boy that if you can't change circumstances, you have to accept them. Change encompasses a broad array of options, by the way.

Typically, when faced with trauma, no matter the type, I freak out, avoid dealing with it, freak out some more, then come to a place of resolve where I trust that the universe won't give me the proverbial shaft. I'm forcing myself to go to the zen state, because frankly, I don't like myself very much right now. I'm irritable, lazy and pissy. And I have been kinda bitchy to The Boy. And I know he needs me right now. And I feel like a total jerkface.

I want very much for things to go my way, and right now, they just don't LOOK like they are. Looks are often deceiving, and unfortunately, I am NOT a patient person. I'm going to have to work on that. ;(

I want... I want a lot of things, and to ME, none of them feel extravagent or extreme. I want to be loved, first and foremost, and right now, I don't LIKE myself all the time, so that makes the being LOVED thing harder.

I totally hope that I am not becoming a spineless girl creature who bases her self-worth upon the acceptance of a man, because I've done that before, bought the T-Shirt, wore it out.. etc.

SCREW THAT. But dammit, I want The Boy to go to bed with me tonight, and to wake up with me tomorrow morning. IS that too much to want? Sigh. who knows.

Michigan feels pretty flippin' far away right about now. c'mon tax return... speed your way to me so I can get back on even keel and schedule my trip back east.

Wait, is that asking too much again? I can never tell.

If you have any spare hope laying around (it's okay, leftover hope is still good, just like roll-over minutes), toss some my way. I may not catch it right away, but I promise not to complain too much if it slaps me in the face. Especially if it makes a splatty sound when it hits me. Then it's just good fun.

That still, small voice

You know how you feel a tugging leading you to do something? Yeah, been having that. I don't feel drawn to change careers, or to do something ambitious or crazy different. I feel drawn to my children and a strong need that I need to get back to what I began over Christmas break. The simplest answer is sometimes the most correct one. I'm getting lazy again, the housework is backing up, I'm plopping down at the desk right when I get in, or I'm talking to a friend late into the evening. I should be walking in, getting the lay of the land and getting to work.

Lately when I revisit what I CAN do against everything my Ex does, I come back to the kids.. I cannot shield them from his garbage, but I can most certainly shield them from MY Garbage, and lately, my garbage is that I haven't been cleaning my house. How SILLY is that? I don't function well in clutter and chaos. Maybe it's a fault, but I kinda think that it's fairly normal for most people. 'Fix what you can, let God sort out the rest."

By golly, it's pretty darn good advice.

(Edited: Wow. I didn't cuss ONCE. *blink blink* Man, he IS Taming my fierceness)

Try not to spite the face..

Perhaps this a mark of maturity and acceptance of the mantle of "mother", but recently I've become aware that I have a child about to turn 14 in less than 5 months. That means in 4 years and 5 months I will have a child who is graduating High School. I will not be 40 then. HOLY CRIPES!

For the last .. however many years, I have been running a mental count down to when I will be emancipated from my children, and everyone around me keeps saying "it will end faster than you think, don't miss anything" and suddenly I'm seeing the wisdom. In 4 years, I will have a child hurtling toward adulthood and independance. A child who will probably think they are way more mature and 'with it' than they really are, a child who will probably roll her eyes at me and ignore every bit of sage advice from the "Hey, kiddo, I've BEEN THERE" column.

Oh Jees. I have to say that yes, I think I'm finally ready for this task that I'm doing. Lord help me and give me the strength not to screw it up on an epic scale. Remember, we have 5 of them to raise and release into the wild, and #5 goes by the nickname "Cute Demon Baby."

God help us all.

The Fair Just Left Town.

So, yeah, mom was right "life isn't fair" and it's just so true. It doesn't cushion the blow or make it suck any less, though. The Ex has been a real ass lately. I am getting child support now, thanks to wage garnishment. The overnights every other weekend have stopped though. I'm coming to peace with losing my personal time and space, but what I cannot come to peace with is the turmoil and pain it's causing my children. He no longer has a car that transports all 5 of our children (can you BELIEVE he wanted 10?) so he will pick and choose who he's taking when the weather looks "iffy." If he doesn't take the 5 seater, he makes them walk everywhere. At his pace. And it's not just my children whining, when I lived with him, he never walked my pace, and I had to run to keep up with him.

So, if they're not hoofing it (not in and of itself a bad thing), he picks and chooses who goes. Often it's my oldest. They haven't gotten along since the divorce, and thanks to his way of treating her (either he's treating her like she's stupid or terrible, or he's pretending she doesn't exist), we are going through therapy and treating with mild anti-depressants. We (my friends and I) knew that his interest would wane, and eventually he would disappear. Coming from his abuse myself, I didn't really think this would be a BAD thing, but I'm watching my children hurt from it.

I think the one who is going to be hurt MOST by all of this is Isabella, because she's his favorite. She always goes with him, and tonight she was snotty about what she and her younger sister got to do. She felt bad when I told her it was pretty crappy for her to gloat about her day when no one else was INVITED.

I know, I know. Life isn't fair. I have asked to have his visitation curtailed. I have asked what I can do. I can't do anything. IT SUCKS. I'm tired of being asked why they didn't get to go, why he didn't call. When they WANT to see him, he doesn't want to take them. My son said "Its like he hates us"

WHAT do you say to that? where's my correct answer? I felt myself fumbling for anything besides "Daddy's an asshole, honey" All I could say was I'm sorry, and that I understand why he's upset. At least his cat loves him best. But the boy was hurting. He's on the cusp of puberty, and his one male role model has been abandoning him. He doesn't feel comfortable talking to him about the confusion he feels. I'm very clear in telling him that it's okay if he DOES want to talk to his dad - he's certainly more an expert on THE CHANGE in boys than *I* am. Yet he says no, then asks small questions of me. I read and help him understand to the best of my ability, but if you don't own the equipment...

I know that life isn't fair, and I know that my children will come to learn this in time, but it's a hard lesson to let them learn. Especially when it comes from one of the people who SHOULD love them best. I pray that God gives me the strength to do this daily. My anger has calmed a lot, and the wildness has diminished, but I feel like I'm a long way from a 'good' mom. That hurts, because these people deserve me to love them and be patient, and I think I'm largely doing a better job lately. All I can do is improve, but I can't help but feel like I'm failing them somehow by not doing SOMETHING to stop his shenanigans. IS there more I should be doing? AM I being a jackass and missing the most basic thing? Telling him "you will take everyone, or you won't take ANYONE" Maybe I should try that, but I fear getting into trouble. I'm so scared of doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. GAH!

I wish I KNEW what I need to do here.

Is this thing still on?

Well, HI!

Amember me?! Life has sucked me in, held me close, gave me a wedgie and then turned me loose before it could give me a 'brown eye.' (if you don't know what that is, be grateful you didn't have a crass older cousin) I have had some joys - 2 weeks off, albeit self-paid thanks to budget crises and a mandatory furlough; one helluva Christmas (thanks Jesus!), a reconnection to my mom who I didn't realize I'd missed. I've also had setbacks - my ex stopped taking the kids on overnights, blaming me for him becoming homeless (I'm a bloodsucking bitch, draining him dry via child support and court fees he's brought on himself) and that means no down time or days off. Initially, I am embarassed to admit to being pissy about it. After 3 months with NO breaks from my children, I've come back to the "Hey, it's what it is" zen of parenting. It's hard, it's messy, it's discouraging at times, but it's MINE. These are MY children. Instilling in them traits that I can be proud of is something I have lost sight of. After 2 weeks of them constantly in my face, I'm reminded of my long-term goal.. releasing them into the wild as productive human beings.

Aside from the Ex being stubborn and dragging his feet - we had a settlement drawn up where all he had to do was sign and be DONE, he wouldn't owe anything else and wouldn't need to DO anythign else, and the idiot didn't do it, so NOW we get to go back for round... Um... yeah, 45? in the court, whereby we ask for more money because he's being a dipshit and not signing papers. See, I'm hardcore into the notion of not being Susanne TYLER anymore.. I'd like to go back to my maiden name, Brorby. It's mine, ain't no one take it from me! Anyway, back to the initial rant here.. Aside from him being a dipshit, I haven't had too many bumps in the road, or if I have I have come to a place where I can weather them and not freak the hell out. Much.. often. Okay, i freak out better.

I'm blessed and grateful. I feel like if I expound upon it I will lose some meaning, but suffice it to say that I am grateful for my fortunes.

I hope the new year has been good to everyone - it's been ROUGH. SO rough for so many. For those who are jobless, or soon to be jobless, I'm pulling for you. God speed his blessings to you.

*lighting a candle*

Up to my eyeballs in alligators

So, yeah. I think the title says most of what I'm feeling. It's always something. I think though, something happened that I wasn't aware of. I turned my back on the alligators. I know that I have adopted the feeling of "I'm busy, overwhelmed. It's hard." and I have dropped the ball in my life. The bad thing about being the only one running the show is that you're to blame if it goes wrong. the GOOD thing about being the only one running the show is that you're the only one to blame.

I've been looking at the long list of negatives and accepting them as creed. I'm a single parent of 5 kids, I have a deadbeat ex, I have too many bills and not enough money, I live in a house too small for 6 people.. Well, those are ALL true, but I don't look at the positives. I AM a single parent, and that means that I can parent my children as *I* want, not how someone else expects me to. For many people they have a great partner to help with child rearing and you're all on the same page, but there are MANY times that's not true. But, I don't ever have to argue with anyone about the day to day mechanics of my life, and I haven't accepted that yet - what the hell? am I stupid? Dude, run with it! I do have a deadbeat ex. That means that should I ever remarry and have a step parent for the kids, the ex won't have much influence over the mix. Granted, if I remarry, I'm gonna have to go back to statement #1. I'll deal with that when I get to it. I have too many bills. Well, guess what, #'s 1 & 2 are involved with this - I can scale back my expenses and no one can tell me which need to stay or go. Hmm..... I live in a house too small for 6 people. Well, maybe, but these people are gonna have some killer interpersonal skills. And maybe if I get off my ass and start taking charge of my life again, they'll learn that they don't need as much to be happy.

Its a work in progress, but when I went to the customer service seminar on Thursday, I took away a LOT of personal information, just like on Tuesday when I had my class on time management and organization.

The key here is I haven't found what works for me. That's pretty big. I keep operating on systems that I didn't develop. I'm stressed out because I keep ignoring things I need to do. That doesn't work. Never has, never will.

So, baby steps. But the biggest one is how to deal with my 13 year old when I want to be as far away from her as I can get. I think teenagerdom is meant to enable us to let them go. But - somehow I doubt it's meant to make us want to kill them.

One thing that Jean Steele said during our seminar is that in your interactions with people, if 3 /4 of them you feel everyone is an asshole, it's YOU, not them. Guess that shit that's stinking is coming from me. DAMN!

California, you broke my heart!

I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you - but don't feel sad, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Only, when it comes to fundamental civil rights, it is. I'm typing this up the night of the most important election in the history of our country. Congratulations to Mr. President-elect Obama. Yes we can, and we have. On the issue of abortion in minors - it looks like we have changed. Minors will be protected by being provided with access to abortion - in a time where young people are lost and desperately seeking acceptance and a way to belong, they can make mistakes. Some mistakes are too costly to be used as a teaching tool. When you're 14, seeking love and acceptance and you make a mistake, an unplanned pregnancy, the last thing in the world you need is someone saying "you made your bed, now lie in it" I doubt at 14 anyone has the faculties to make responsible decisions - forcing them to have a child is preposterous. Even if you look at it from the adoption standpoint, this child is still growing and maturing. To carry a baby to term is so incredibly taxing - there's a reason women died in childbirth, and it wasn't just lack of medical care, women had children young - like 14 years old young.

If a child is going to have sex without your approval (I do NOT know ANY parents who want their 14 year old having sex), they certainly aren't going to tell you about a pregnancy, because they KNOW they're in over their head. ANd if they want to abort that baby, they will go about it - in any means necessary. Drano, coat hangers... they may sound like antiquated scare tactics from bad afterschool specials, but the fact is if your child wants to have sex bad enough and gets pregnant from it, they might want to have an abortion bad enough to go about it in unsafe ways - some of which leave them barren. It's not about permission, it's about protection of our daughters.

So far, this proposition seems to be denied (it would force doctors to contact patients parents 48 hours before an abortion is performed. I'm pretty sure that most of those girls don't come from swell families.) And I am proud of people reading it for what it is and protecting our girls.

But Prop 8. Oh God. Please... PLEASE tell me that all the 'no' votes haven't been counted. Please tell me that this state which went blue as SOON as the polls closed didn't turn their back on a very real social class of people. Please tell me that just because we have become better at being colorblind that we haven't begun to discriminate against Same-Sex couples.

California, people look to us to be progressive and forward. We carry the largest amount of electoral votes in this great union of ours. How can you turn your back on a community that is as much a part of you as Hollywood, wine country, earthquakes, sunshine, oranges and silicone valley? Maybe a lot of our policies are conservative, but I fail to see why the definition of marriage is between a man and a woman. That doesn't make it any more binding, lasting, loving, productive, supportive or permanent than it being between two consenting adults. It doesn't mean it's between a man and 2 women, or a man and a child, or a woman and a dog/donkey/goat/sheep/living doll *Ahem* It also doesn't guarantee lasting committment. I was a woman, he a man, and my marriage didn't last. My marriage was abusive, hurtful and disrespectful. It didn't stop him from cheating on me, in my home, where my children lived. It didn't stop me from being run down to almost nothingness under his boot heel.

Marriage is a legal union between two consenting adults. It's a civil partnership. And while most marriages take place in a church and are consecrated by God and their religion, it doesn't necessarily imply morality. Not too long ago (about 40 years ago, actually) whites could not marry anything but whites. How limiting. How disgusting, but how similar. It's not for government to decide who can or cannot be happy and enjoy a union. Same sex marriages are not viewed with the same social status as traditional marriage, and it CERTAINLY is NOT taught in school. My children MUST be in the 4% that does NOT teach marriage as part of the curriculum.

Please, California, by morning, please have proven this post moot, I would enjoy nothing less than deleting this post because I jumped the gun and posted this before the polls were all decided.