I'm scared.
Not in the boogeyman under the bed kind of way, but in the way where any number of things could happen, and you dont know which way the wind will blow.
Profoundly scared of being hurt.
Unsure it would happen.
Knowing that I will live through any hurt I may incur doesn't make it easier to bear. You'd think it would, but it doesn't.
Im scared to let myself want what I want, and find myself trying to distance myself from it.
Scared to trust.
Im scared, alright, but I'm leaping anyway.
I already know I can swim, let's see if I can fly too.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Post the next
Hey. Still there?
Cool.
So, like, yeah. Life has a way of grabbing you by the ears, shaking you about and then turning you to face a mirror from time to time. This is one of those times.
I'm tired, sad, demoralized and lonely. But it could be worse. It can always be worse, and at some point, hearing 'it could be worse' becomes meaningless. It is what it is.
I am dreading the work ahead in my life. I think I will afford myself this afternoon/evening of wallowing in self-pity, and then get back up, dust myself off and get back to work tomorrow. I did get a lot done today, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
I want the same things I always want, and I'm thinking that I wouldn't have been given this strong a desire if it weren't going to be fulfilled someday. I watch my best friends snuggle together like little love birds and I long for that. Someday, right? Yeah, doesn't make TODAY less difficult.
Again I am whining. I guess it's good to have a place to go to whine. Lately I feel like I have to do it a lot. :( Which means I need to start shifting my outlook. If you can't change your circumstances, you have to change you attitude. yeah yeah blah blah blah. whine whine whine.
:) Okay. Whining off.
Thanks for still being here. All... what, there's 2 of you? :) Thanks for listening.
Cool.
So, like, yeah. Life has a way of grabbing you by the ears, shaking you about and then turning you to face a mirror from time to time. This is one of those times.
I'm tired, sad, demoralized and lonely. But it could be worse. It can always be worse, and at some point, hearing 'it could be worse' becomes meaningless. It is what it is.
I am dreading the work ahead in my life. I think I will afford myself this afternoon/evening of wallowing in self-pity, and then get back up, dust myself off and get back to work tomorrow. I did get a lot done today, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
I want the same things I always want, and I'm thinking that I wouldn't have been given this strong a desire if it weren't going to be fulfilled someday. I watch my best friends snuggle together like little love birds and I long for that. Someday, right? Yeah, doesn't make TODAY less difficult.
Again I am whining. I guess it's good to have a place to go to whine. Lately I feel like I have to do it a lot. :( Which means I need to start shifting my outlook. If you can't change your circumstances, you have to change you attitude. yeah yeah blah blah blah. whine whine whine.
:) Okay. Whining off.
Thanks for still being here. All... what, there's 2 of you? :) Thanks for listening.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
The Untitled One
Ever have those times when you feel like you want to convey what's banging around in your head or thumping about in your heart but can't find the way to adequately express it? Yeah, that's where I am.
I wish that I could say that I am shiny, or even slightly glowy.. but the truth is, I'm just not. I wish I could be specific as what the ennui is caused by. There are reasons, and they feel like whining when I bring them out. Things are changing/have changed. I realize that that's what life does, it changes. I also realize that the universe has an intricate and elaborate plan that I fit into somehow, and when things change, they usually have an overall positive outcome. That doesn't mean that the change isn't scary or unsettling.
This post is going to end up with a lot of half-said things, and many implied things. That's just the way I'm going to leave it though. My intent was to put down the general feeling of unease and sadness. I don't need anything picked apart. My People are good about not belittling my feelings, even if they think they are silly. I love them madly for it. But sometimes, things feel so deep and strong that you don't dare talk about them, because 1) things are pending, and you don't have anything concrete, and 2) You just can't bear the thought of being made light of.
I don't know about looking back on all this and laughing someday, but Someday, I will be able to look back on this, because I'll survive it. I always do.
Sometimes, I'd just like to thrive.
Someday.
I wish that I could say that I am shiny, or even slightly glowy.. but the truth is, I'm just not. I wish I could be specific as what the ennui is caused by. There are reasons, and they feel like whining when I bring them out. Things are changing/have changed. I realize that that's what life does, it changes. I also realize that the universe has an intricate and elaborate plan that I fit into somehow, and when things change, they usually have an overall positive outcome. That doesn't mean that the change isn't scary or unsettling.
This post is going to end up with a lot of half-said things, and many implied things. That's just the way I'm going to leave it though. My intent was to put down the general feeling of unease and sadness. I don't need anything picked apart. My People are good about not belittling my feelings, even if they think they are silly. I love them madly for it. But sometimes, things feel so deep and strong that you don't dare talk about them, because 1) things are pending, and you don't have anything concrete, and 2) You just can't bear the thought of being made light of.
I don't know about looking back on all this and laughing someday, but Someday, I will be able to look back on this, because I'll survive it. I always do.
Sometimes, I'd just like to thrive.
Someday.
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