How Long 'till my Soul Gets it Right?

Ah, the birthday post. :) This is where I sit and ramble about what I have learned about myself over the last year - not a bad thing, but to the people reading this (all 1 of you) it will be a rehash of the last year of awakening and self-realization, nothing new. But, me being me, I will sum up - I have learned more of who I am in the last year than in the last 33. I am Free, truly free - I can screw up or succeed on my own merits. I have an incredible support network. I have Family, and I have Family by Choice; these people are the wind beneath my wings, and the earth beneath my feet when I stop soaring. I am loved - for who I am, and for what I can/can't do; they have never tried to change me, only to help me see what's really bugging me. My children love me, even with the last 12 foggy years of my life, they love me I see it on their faces. And, definitely not last or least, I am a very worthy person. Worthy of love, success and happiness.

I am grateful to everyone in my life, for the support, kindness and belief I needed and would have foundered without, and still need. :D It's my birthday, but I have already gotten my presents from everyone throughout the year. :D

Thank you, everyone.

MUCH love, and shininess!

Excuse me..

I seem to have left my geek out...


I Am A: Neutral Good Human Bard/Sorcerer (2nd/2nd Level)


Ability Scores:

Strength-11

Dexterity-11

Constitution-14

Intelligence-13

Wisdom-13

Charisma-13


Alignment:
Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because because it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.


Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.


Primary Class:
Bards often serve as negotiators, messengers, scouts, and spies. They love to accompany heroes (and villains) to witness heroic (or villainous) deeds firsthand, since a bard who can tell a story from personal experience earns renown among his fellows. A bard casts arcane spells without any advance preparation, much like a sorcerer. Bards also share some specialized skills with rogues, and their knowledge of item lore is nearly unmatched. A high Charisma score allows a bard to cast high-level spells.


Secondary Class:
Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.


Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)




So, like, I thought I was like, smarter and stuff... but.. Oh well!!! maybe I'll come across a book, or a belt of charisma... damn, I need to get out more...

Float, Flutter, Fly

Sounded cool, and I couldn't think of a good opener for this here entry.

I keep forgetting the password of this place. By the time I get in here, I feel like a safe cracker, and my creativity is diminished. :)

I love work. Of course, it's new and I haven't been there long enough to hate it, and I might get there eventually, but for now, I loves it!

Im getting sleepy. I want to write a short story, but keep tripping up on what to write about.

Okay, since I didn't bring the cool, or the funny, Ima go. K?
Bye!

NNNGGGGHHHHHH!

I so wanted to post something awesometastic. I feel braindead..

Im gonna post a poem that my friend sent to me, and I loved instantly.

-Tread Softly-

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

-William Butler Yeats-


I do love me some stars... off to look at Geminids.

:D

old

I'm not sure when it happened, or what even triggered it.. but somehow, sometime I became "old." 33 isn't a big number, and by most people's standards, I'd get slapped for claiming to be old, but damn, I FEEL old. It could be a combination of lack of exercise and poor diet, but all I know is that I feel really old, and it came on suddenly. Gone are the days of staying up until 2 am just to do it, then rising 4 hours later, and going about my day. I look at the clock, see it's 8pm and long to crawl between the sheets.

Aside from the fatigue, My neck hurts. A lot. Like, all the time. I wake up at night with my neck screaming at me. I can't get comfortable. Its probably time for a new bed, just like it's time for a commuter vehicle, and it's time to pay off bills, and it's time to clean the house.. etc... knowing I need to do something doesn't mean I have the means OR the commitment to do it.

SO, it's 9:15 PST, there are beautiful Geminids, and I don't feel like I can get my recently bathed butt outside to look at them.. for anyone who DOESN'T know me - stars, the universe and the many things that get blanketed into Astronomy are passions of mine. For me to blow them off says something
maybe I need to go sleep, hopefully in a comfy position and start again tomorrow. The Big Kid has her Christmas concert tomorrow, and the picking out of the dress was QUITE the to-do. :) IT should be a good concert. :)

Wish me blissful, restful, healing sleep.

And, just in case You're reading, I miss you. Vacation sucks, babe.

Heh

Okay, so I was reading my friend Chris' blog, and he had this link to this thing, and I went and did it and.... well....


I thought I'd get like level 2, I mean, I've never even licked anyone's eyeball.

Your Score: HELL LEVEL 3

Raw score: 90%

There's a special place in Hell for you: the basement penthouse. You scored the nastiest possible score on the Sexual Hell Test. You have no sexual restraint whatsoever. You'll take pleasure however you can get it, and my guess is you get it a lot. If for some reason you don't right now, you will soon, as people in your category only tend to spiral down ever deeper into the abyss of carnality and delicious sin. Congratulations.

I, personally, think that this category is the best. Paradoxically enough, sexual liberation and indulgence can only bring you closer to purity.

AVOID: all but level 3 hellions like yourself. You wouldn't want to ruin anyone, now would you?

Link: The Sexual HELL Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

So... Who's busy Saturday? ;)

Lol

Your Penis Name Is...

The Bald Avenger

Penis Name Generator

*Can't breathe.... laughing... tooo hard.....(snork)*

Confirmation

Your Inner European is Irish!

Sprited and boisterous!You drink everyone under the table.

Who's" Your Inner European?

Heh, duh. :)

Ode to Joy

I love Beethoven's 9th. I also love the process of accepting joy, choosing joy. It's not always as easy as it seems, as it requires breaking some thinking processes I have gotten stuck into.. focusing on the negatives, looking at what I can't do, what can't be done, rather than what has been done, what CAN be done. I vacuumed my living areas today. To the average person, that garners a big "So what?" but for me, I dance and sing and celebrate that I don't have to look at ground up bits of popcorn in my carpet, that the floor is clear of clutter and glows with light. That's a good thing. :D

I also have most of the laundry done, which, again, accomplishment. How did I manage to kick so much booty? I'll tell you. I have a sick little boy. :( He's been cleared from school until Thursday, which means I stay home with him... The ironic thing? Friday is my last day at work, and I find myself looking at a 2 day workweek. While I should rejoice in the time off before I start my shiny new job, I am looking at a loss in pay... pay I needed since I will not be getting a paycheck until mid December. Will I keep afloat? Probably, but it adds stress. My welfare will be cut, and I'm getting less pay until I start getting paid for my new job, and December's bills will still be here waiting for me, impatiently. And Christmas looms.

What I need to do is accept that Christmas will be focusing on feelings, atmosphere and tradition. Not physical gain. It's a pretty idea, but its hard to just buy into.. I love presents, I love giving them AND getting them. I also have 5 children who are less sold on the idea of "we're getting less this year" than *I* am. But for them to buy it, I need to also buy it... hence the struggle.

So.. back to choosing joy. (If you wanted a cohesive blog, I will point you to Magazine Man's blog, or, perhaps even Wil Wheaton's or even my good friend Krista's. This is the dumping ground for things in my head, and while I wish I could have a great streamlined writing style, this is pretty much how my thoughts tumble about in my head, so I feel it's a more accurate representation of who I am, how I think, what I feel. Most of the time, I make sense, other times, not so much. It's a blog, not an essay.) Back to Joy.

:D I have great friends, and family by choice.. They take care of me like no one ever has, they protect me, support me, encourage me, and ultimately, spoil the crap out of me. Liz's dad George showed up today with Starbucks and a Jack Ball for my van. Oh... I am SO loved. :D

Someday, when the safe filled with money falls from the sky at my feet, I will repay them, but until that happens, I laud them, love them, and try and think of ways I can give back to the people who have given me more than most people get in their lifetime. It builds on the joy I am learning to choose over pain and suffering.


:D I love my people who come by, dropping happiness on my doorstep and recharging me. I think they know how much I need it, but I hope they know how much I appreciate it. :D


Shiny factor 8 today!

MEME

Okay, so I ganked this from Krista, who ganked it from Kate Harding. :D

The deal is, you type the answer to each question into a Google image search, and you pick an image from the first page of results. Lots of images after the jump.

1. Age at next birthday:

2. A place you'd like to travel :

3. Your favorite place :

4.Your favorite objects:

5. Your favorite food:

6.Your favorite animals:

7. Your favorite color:

8. Town where you were born :

9. Town where you live :

10. Name of a past pet :

11. First name of a past love :

12. Best friend's nickname :

13. Your screen nickname :

14. Your first name :

15. Your middle name :

16. Your last name :

17. Bad habit of yours :

18. First job :

19. Grandmother's name :

20. College major :

SHINY!!!!!!!

Okay, so maybe I wasn't Hitler in another life. Maybe just a lackey. I got The Job. Not "A" job, but "THE" job, the one that's going to give relief to my struggling family, and make it so we can actually survive, THEN thrive!

Im beyond thrilled, elated, ecstatic, overjoyed, excited, happy, amazed, grateful and ... well, SHINY!!!!!! I am blessed by the best friends in the world, supportive, generous, amazing friends. :D

Thank you to everyone who has poured love, support, charity, kindness and joy to me. I have needed it more than I ever thought possible, and it has kept me floating. I love you all.

:D

Shiny Susanne!

Neurotically yours,

Some days, I feel like I'm more on top of the heap of crap that has built up and become my life. Other days, I am painfully aware I am standing on a slick piece of cardboard and about to hurtle headfirst into a particularly fetid pile of it. How's THAT for an opener? Sometimes I find my foot in my mouth, or perhaps my head up other interesting and dark orifices.

Last night, I was bratty. Hopefully, I managed to contain it to a minimally noticeable whine, but I definitely felt self centered and childish. I wanted attention, reassurance that all the monsters standing with numbers outside my door really had the wrong house, and weren't waiting for their turn to come up. :( I went to bed with minimal fuss, but damned if I don't' feel guilty for not being a better friend last night.

I love my people very much, and I have been adding to the list of "my people." This should mean that I am more protective of my people, more loving, more understanding, supportive. In most times, I really am. But I have moments I am not very proud of where I just don't do it. I just don't' do what I expect of myself. I'm probably harder on myself about it than most people would be, but dammit, I'm me. :)


One of my friends is going through a very very crappy point in her life, and I can't do anything to help. How crappy is that? and... a taste of what my friends have been enduring for years with me and my former marriage. Only, she can't leave the person giving her shit, as it's a child.

blaaaargh. How crappy, huh? These people who have stood by me and kicked ass for me, and ON me.. I can't help them. How shitty.

I do love my friends. If any of them have found their way here, I hope they know I mean it. I really, really do. And one of you, I love as more than just friends. :)

I'll chalk it up to a learning experience and try and move on from here. Hopefully I DO learn.

Like Riding a Unicycle?

No, I have never ridden an unicycle, but the analogy is that once you do something, stop for a while, then pick it back up, it's like riding a bicycle, you just don't' forget how. What's it like for a unicycle?

I haven't written in months, not because I don't want to, but my computer broke for a good month and a half, then... well.. sigh. I am very good at not looking at things I don't want to see. (hence the marriage and girlfriend crap) If I don't want to look at something bad enough, I'll ignore it as hard as I can. (like the stack of papers on my desk in my bedroom) I have been finding ways to make Susanne happy, and have succeeded in many of them... but I have noticed a large hole. My family. I have neglected my family because I work, because I am exhausted from only sleeping 4 hours a day. Because I am stressed out that I am trying to fly solo when I should be flying in a flock. I imagine that it's the standard "single parent" blues. We struggle to make ends meet and in the end, neglect the people we're struggling for.

To say I am overwhelmed is an understatement. To say I am struggling is like saying "It's gonna be a long swim back to shore" to someone in the middle of an ocean. Filled with sharks.
I have found someone who makes me feel shiny, and I have known him for years. Not as well as I am getting to know him now, but I feel like I've been friends with him a long while. He makes me feel things I haven't felt in a long time. The drawback? He's not in California. So, no real hugs. The other drawback? I have 5 people depending on me to Make It WorkTM and if I can't manage that, not only am *I* fucked, they are too. I keep forgetting that I am THE most influential person in their lives. That just stops my heart, terrifying me. I don't' even have MY shit together, and I have to pretend I know what I'm doing so that when THEY come do this shit.. when THEY play "grown up" they will successfully know how to fool everyone else around them.

I have said it before, am saying it now, and will say it again : I didn't pick this. The Ex argues that I indeed did, but when you look at what I left, I defy anyone to say I should have stayed. No one would be stupid enough to do that. I didn't pick to be a single mother of 5, in a minimal job, struggling to even buy toilet paper. Meanwhile, he's across town, not paying me a dime. Not one. Have I asked? No. Should I ask? probably. Am I proud idiot for not being a bitch about it? Yep. Do I desperately want to DO this and not fuck up? .... sigh.. yes.

Yes, I do. So, that leads me to this quandary : how to do this, without fucking up, and making it LOOK like I have my shit together?

yeah. That's about as far as I got with it. But sometimes, all you need is to get the unicycle out before you tackle getting ON it.


Here's to hoping the sharks had chum before I began the swim.

:D

Well, the title is a great indication of the mood of this post. I am soooo loved and blessed to be related to people as generous, supportive and kind. My best friend and her wife had birthdays both today and Sunday (the 26th and 27th), and had a party planned for Saturday. Now, I was "sick" to work Saturday.. my poor pants were just too ill to make it in. It happens from time to time. So, I went, helped spiffy up the house for her dad, and for us to just sit around and do whatever without going "well, shit, another can" (it also happens), her dad came, and started to bestow presents - only he started with me. I looked at him, surprised, since it wasn't my birthday.. not even for 4 more months! I figure, it's George. He has always been slightly bent, if not crazy, and it's probably just him trying to add to the goofiness factor, it's what he does. We sit down, and he shoves a box at Liz and tells her to start.. it's a Georgeball - a bunch of stuff wrapped in crepe paper in a ball.. you remove the paper and unearth layers of stuff.. I lost count at the number of socks he gave her, but it took her a while to get through it all. Liz, Cathy and I all got a bunch of VHS tapes, some with B grade movies, most with SNL sketches and comedians. I got Dr Phibes! (funny, I had just talked to Krista's beau about the movie, and lo and behold, there it was!)
So, Liz is unwrapping the ball of doom, Cathy and I are tearing through our tapes of doom (she got a bunch of James Bond movies.. THAT'S cool) and they tell me there's more for me. More? It's not my fucking birthday. It's theirs, but THEY were in on it. Here I thought George was killing 3 birds with one stone, and they were all in on it! I open the big pink bag first, and right on top is a doll.. but not just ANY doll, a French vampire doll. My very own French Vampire. Oh, Oh they are very, VERY good. I have been reading the Anita Blake series, and have been quite taken with Jean-Claude. For weeks, I have said "I need a French vampire." See what happens when you tell creative people something? They make it happen. They took a Wedding Ken doll, and pimped him out, decked his jacket with lace, put a black wig on him.. Oh, Ken, you never looked sooo good. So, I got my own Jean-Claude. I turned a unique shade of purple-red, but there was more. OH yes, there was more. under him was a ducky with vampire fangs (fans who have gone to Laurell K Hamilton's site will know the "tub toy" I'm talking about.. AT this point, I am furiously blushing and giggling stupidly. and everyone is watching me with glee. Damn people who love me. But UNDER all that was a shirt... it says "Jean-Claude slept here" OH.. THEY ARE GOOD. VERY VERY good. I have never glowed both from embarrassment and joy QUITE like this. :) in the 2nd bag is a bag of Starbucks coffee (YAY) , a bag of chocolate covered espresso beans, a gift card (OOOOOO) and a mug that has been personalized... to read (get ready for it) "Coffin Bait for Jean-Claude"


I am loved loved loved loved loved and I don't even care that they picked on me so mercilessly.

It was my birthday in August - I have never been a Virgo before, it was really cool. :)

regret sucks

Today is the birthday of my ex-husband. The divorce isn't final yet, but the relationship is wayyy over. Last year, he turned 30, and I bought him a very nice hotel room, with a jacuzzi tub and fireplace. Why? because my 30th sucked, sucked hard. I wanted my husband, the man I chose to spend my life with to have something beautiful, grown up and nice. Nicer than anything else I had ever had. I did not share the room with him. He took his girlfriend. :) Yeah, his girlfriend. all our marriage, he had been looking at other women, talking online to women, searching for .... something... and eventually he found someone as stupid as me to want him. She was 19 when we met in person. She insisted she didn't want to ruin our marriage, our relationship came first. But as with ALL those extramarital affairs, that changed. She wanted him full time. Went as far as to say that the kids and I were in her way. Now, I was friendly, and she asked me if I wanted her to stop.

I said no. OF course I said no. I said yes for HIM.. why would I say no now? bit by bit more and more of my marriage was taken from me and given to her. And it didn't start slowly either. 2 years later, he and I have THE fight about how she's more important than our family, and suddenly, *I* have fucked up. And now *I* must work very hard to put everything right. Now *I* must become perfect so he will not leave me.

SO he got a hotel room. I stayed home with the kids (as usual) and counted down until I could collapse and break down fully. I didn't make it to 8pm. More junk, hurt, etc.. and I left on our anniversary (the 8th wedding.. we'd been a couple since 1994) and here's his 31st birthday. I felt like I was doing just fine. He came and got the kids for his weekend with them.. I didn't like his new aftershave. I think the Vandyke with the haircut is goofy. He's gotten tanned, maybe he's been working outside, or just laying in the sun.

As big and bad as I try to become, I will always have that 17 year old girl inside me who moons after him. Who sees nothing but her Knight in Flesh Colored Armor. Right now, I'm a fat 33 year old divorcee with 5 kids (at their dad's this weekend) freaking out about making it to next month. I can't remember how he felt. I can remember his smell. I can remember some sounds. but I DO remember the disapproving look. His scorn when I was breaking down on Christmas because he'd spent all of my birthday so sick he didn't spend it with me. His total lack of regard for my emotional well being. And I am acutely aware of how it has shaped the person I am. I am hard, I am cold, I am ruthless with some things. I regret later, but I act now.


I hate that most of all. I am what I hate. I can change, right? How can I do that when I look at the house we lived in and see things according to how HE would have wanted them? and I feel this massive pressure between my eyes that they aren't as he wishes. Still, he's there. He's here. he changed me. and I'm not aware of it when it happens. sigh

Picking up and moving on, not something I'm proficent with. I want to have a happy life, a full life. I don't know where to start.

One alligator at a time?

Remebrance

Sometimes we forget who we are. People change, it's true, but some things stay the same - you like rainbows, ice cream, music, spirituality, whatever it is, you become defined by it. Sometimes those things take a back seat to something else in your life, but never really go away, you just need a reminder of that part of who you are, like a body part. :)

I love Phantom of the Opera, most specifically Michal Crawford's Phantom. I had forgotten just how amazing his performance of Phantom was. I had also forgotten about music, the call it has on me. I can hear music in my head anytime, anywhere, with full orchestral backing if it calls for it. Through time, the quality of the music will fade on me, and if I refresh it, it gets strong again. :)

I have kids, kids who don't have much of a musical education. Once upon a time ago, I used to sing, and I was fairly good; the choir kid, went to California All State Honor Choir in 1992 and 1993. I had a few solos. If I had been in a big city with more people, I would probably have been ignored, but I didn't grow up there, I grew up here, and I was pretty damn okay! I had wanted to major in music as nothing else in my life had ever been so strongly ME. Susanne can Sing. it's a fact. Now, I'm not radio quality, and I'm certainly not Sara Brightman good, and I never was, but I can sing better than the average person, and the fact that no one has had bleeding ear drums just cements that for me ;)

My range has diminished through age and disuse. It's sad, and it hurts that I know I used to have wider range than I have now, but I can still sing strongly and steadily, and I don't' make people's ears bleed (always a plus) I had wanted to use my skill and become a music educator. Why? Because what else do you do with a degree in music? :)

I've tried to instill music in my children, but my reverence for it probably keeps me being a stingy ass with it. :(

Listening to Mr. Crawford as Phantom tonight just reminded me "oh, hey, I have a hand here!" Pretty important piece of myself to leave off. :)

And for tonight, I find myself being nostalgic, missing HIM. Not the HIM that I left, but the HIM who stopped music entirely. I always hear songs. And for him, they stopped cold. I thought it was because he focused me, he "completed me" (gag) maybe it was a warning I should have heard way back then.

I have no illusions that I "would have been" anything, but I get nostalgic for the girl I was when I met him in 1992 (pre-crash, thank you) and it makes my heart ache. its an immeasurable loss. :(