Remebrance

Sometimes we forget who we are. People change, it's true, but some things stay the same - you like rainbows, ice cream, music, spirituality, whatever it is, you become defined by it. Sometimes those things take a back seat to something else in your life, but never really go away, you just need a reminder of that part of who you are, like a body part. :)

I love Phantom of the Opera, most specifically Michal Crawford's Phantom. I had forgotten just how amazing his performance of Phantom was. I had also forgotten about music, the call it has on me. I can hear music in my head anytime, anywhere, with full orchestral backing if it calls for it. Through time, the quality of the music will fade on me, and if I refresh it, it gets strong again. :)

I have kids, kids who don't have much of a musical education. Once upon a time ago, I used to sing, and I was fairly good; the choir kid, went to California All State Honor Choir in 1992 and 1993. I had a few solos. If I had been in a big city with more people, I would probably have been ignored, but I didn't grow up there, I grew up here, and I was pretty damn okay! I had wanted to major in music as nothing else in my life had ever been so strongly ME. Susanne can Sing. it's a fact. Now, I'm not radio quality, and I'm certainly not Sara Brightman good, and I never was, but I can sing better than the average person, and the fact that no one has had bleeding ear drums just cements that for me ;)

My range has diminished through age and disuse. It's sad, and it hurts that I know I used to have wider range than I have now, but I can still sing strongly and steadily, and I don't' make people's ears bleed (always a plus) I had wanted to use my skill and become a music educator. Why? Because what else do you do with a degree in music? :)

I've tried to instill music in my children, but my reverence for it probably keeps me being a stingy ass with it. :(

Listening to Mr. Crawford as Phantom tonight just reminded me "oh, hey, I have a hand here!" Pretty important piece of myself to leave off. :)

And for tonight, I find myself being nostalgic, missing HIM. Not the HIM that I left, but the HIM who stopped music entirely. I always hear songs. And for him, they stopped cold. I thought it was because he focused me, he "completed me" (gag) maybe it was a warning I should have heard way back then.

I have no illusions that I "would have been" anything, but I get nostalgic for the girl I was when I met him in 1992 (pre-crash, thank you) and it makes my heart ache. its an immeasurable loss. :(