Sunday, August 9, 2009

So true

My good friend Krista hooked me on and I read the updated site every Sunday. There was one of todays that grabbed my attention and needed to be reposted.

Friday, July 31, 2009

If this is it..

So... the economy caught up with my little neck of the woods, and on July 24th, I walked out the door of Planning & Development without my key.

The layoff was hard. I didn't want to go. I knew for about 2 months that I would not have a job, but I didn't realize I'd stay until the end of July. I am grateful for that little bit of time. My job wasn't just a means to support my large family to me - it was an achievement. After being a stay at home mother for 11 1/2 years, then a sandwich slinger at the Vons Deli, I was an Administrative Office Professional II. I made $18 an hour and life was very comfortable and I was proud of myself. After thinking I was worthless and couldn't achieve anything, I proved to myself and anyone with doubts that I was good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people liked me. For me, that job was a shiny badge of progress and achievement.

I trained my replacements, but with not NEARLY enough time. My heart broke all over the place as I was trying to explain the difference between our office and theirs.. and looking at the terror in their eyes. I knew my job, I was good at it, and I had to train the people would be TAKING my job, with NOT ENOUGH TIME to do it adequately. I hated leaving them with leftover work, half finished projects and not enough information.

The staff was very supportive, letting me know they didn't want to see me go, and showing me appreciation. It's hard to leave an environment where you feel you can thrive. Today marks the first week of being unemployed, and the financial pinch reared its ugly head and made me want to curl up into a tiny ball and weep. I KNOW I will make it, but man, it's scary not knowing HOW.

To top that all off, Scott's been going through his own challenges in life. He's had to find a new place to live in a very short time. He hates his job, and was silly and took on a major musical which opens in 2 weeks. We routinely talk, but I can't help feeling like I miss him more and more every day. The good side of that is, I don't feel like he and I are straining apart for these changes. I think we're getting closer together because of everything in life that is changing and falling apart, he and I are the constant, the solace.

I have a job interview with another agency for Santa Barbara County. I'm excited and nervous - I really need the job, and welcome the challenge. If you have some to spare, I welcome all mojo and positive thoughts. If you need any back, I have TONS to spare.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day

To my dad : I'm really glad that the 'Gotta' is gone Dad. I hope you are at peace.

To myself : You did the right thing by not calling him when he blew out his liver, was hospitalized and died a day later. You couldn't have said anything meaningful without hurting him.

To everyone who has a 'less than perfect' dad : If you don't call him tomorrow, you're not a bad person. Seriously.

To everyone who has a great dad : Call him. Seriously. And if you feel up to it, thank him for me. I'm glad your life has been enriched from him.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

News from the Front

As many, MANY, TOO MANY people know, the economy blows goats. It just caught up with me. Today I was pulled into my boss' boss' office and told by HER Boss that I am being given a layoff warning. This means that for all intents and purposes, I will not have a job with the county come July 1st. Anything can change in a month, however I am not overly optimistic.

I started to cry.. not sob, but the tears leaked out. I knew it wasn't personal. She began to tell me how valuable I am, how good a job I have done, and they didn't want to let me go. While it sounds pretty, and it may be a line of crap uttered to a laid off employee who is crying, I'm going to take it as a compliment to my service to my department.

They can't lay THAT off.

I'm hurt. I'm sad, and I'm proud of the achievement I have earned - going from new hire and low woman on the food chain to the highest admin in our office. I had more responsibility and tasks than I was classified for, I had my own office, and I am proud that as a woman who was a stay at home mother, shut in and abuse survivor - that this is what I have attained 2 years after I left my ex husband and struck out on my own, after 11 years of no work experience.. I am PROUD of myself. I have kicked ass, I have left my name with people, and I may be laid off, but I am not FIRED.

I am proud that I have never been fired. I have quit, I have resigned, but I have never been fired. I need to look at that long and hard and accept it for what it is. I am competant, I am employable, I am valuable. I have learned much, grown more and am ready to begin to reassess my current life and find out what I need to change to get to where I need to be.

Maybe this job was the best thing I could get a year and a half ago, but it's NOT the only job I will have for the rest of my life, OR even the best job. That's yet to be found.

After my layoff, i wrote my boss and her boss and thanked them for everything they had done for me, the opportunities and the growth. I let them know I admired them and wanted them to know that whatever they needed me to do in the coming month to helo transition into the new system would be my pleasure to do.

I'm sad, I'm disappointed, and I feel a little defeated - but it will pass. I have earned the luxury of self-pity, and it will not last.

Krista once said I reminded her of a cat - I always land on my feet.


Saturday, May 2, 2009

it doesn't HAVE to be the SWINE flu to suck..

It's been a while since I posted. I'm sure all 2 of you understand, since I talk to you fairly regularly. Life's life. Work's work and suckish, and now I have a raging case of the stomach flu. I heard somewhere that if you had the stomach bug it's not really the flu, since influenza causes UBER COLD symptoms, such as fever chills, aches, pains, swollen lymph nodes, runny nose, sore throat. If thats the case, what the HELL do YOU call when you run to the bathroom and barf up the contents of your stomach, becoming impressed with the human body's capacity for storage? Add in the bowel emptying which, I had to describe to the baby as "pooping out water' for her to understand what I meant when I was asking if she had diarrhea..

Seriously, what IS that supposed to be called, Rotovirus? Sure, 'round here, you say "I got the stomach flu" and people flee in terror in speeds that will astound. You don't say "I got a rotovirus" People look at you and wonder what the crap you've been doing with your remote.

So, this rotovirus/stomach flu/minion sent from hell to exact vengance upon me has arrived, began with the baby, and has kicked my butt. YOU KNOW I am sick when I lay in bed for the better part of the day, and have nothing to do with my children. In fact, THEY knew I was sick for that and were worried about me. You know what that means, right? They're next.

Oh. Joy.

Excuse me while I half-heartedly sip my Hansen's mandarin lime soda and nibble my saltines all while cursing the invention of consumable food. I hate you food!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Getting Stuck in the Process of Change

Im fortunate to work for an organization that values training and knowledge. What can I say, I work for the 'overachievers' you hated to have classes with.

One thing I took away from training on Wednesday's "managing change' class is that change is a cyclical cycle.. you begin the process, you question or resent the need for change, you question and evaluate the possibilities of change, you achieve resolution, enjoying the change, then change will happen again, because we are not static creatures, and we are not characters in a play.

So, having said that, I have to say that while my biggest change in life over the last 4 years has been leaving my abusive marriage, striking out on my own and learning to support myself (sometimes with better and more responsible results than others), and how to hold a job (sometimes I'm too flaky, because I need to be focused from time to time). All this was mixed into something that I have lost touch with. I was a single parent for as long as I have had children. Granted, He brought home money and paid for us to live, but he never took care of the children, and the brunt of that fell to me.

I am finding that I have distanced myself from the ONE role that defined me for all these years... Motherhood. I have never been the touchy feely lovey dovey mom that many people think I should be.. but I have always been involved, and i have to say that lately, I have been patently UNinvolved. Somewhere between learning to have a career and maintaining a relationship, I have neglected the driving force for my leaving - the kids.

Now, I can't just stop being a selfish person. I don't think it's in my nature to split myself in so many directions and NOT get pissy. Maybe i'll surprise myself, though. But.. I was thinking on what I used to do on a nightly basis.. and I don't do it anymore.

Gone are the days when I needed to bathe my children - they are self sufficient and can shower on their own (Most days.. some days I need to remind them to use soap AND water.). They can dress themselves (Most days - some days I need to remind 'the baby' to put on chonies. OY!), and they can feed themselves. Somewhere in their independance I have forgotten that they still need me. I dont know that I LIKE being needed, but I suspect that were it to end abruptly, I would be shocked and not know what to do immediately.

The title to this post relates to the fact that while I was angry and hurt that I had to take this burden on myself, I kind of got between anger and resentment of change and questioning everything. At some point, I need to realize I AM in charge and own it. I have regressed and take as much personal time as I can, and we never do anything as a family. I have now modeled my own childhood - mom was busy, self abosorbed in her need for love (Oh, I got that trait in SPADES, let me tell you), but she managed to clean the house -something I resent doing and resist, as well.

I am NOT my mother, but I can now appreciate where she was when I was resentful that she wasn't gushy and lovey dovey. I had an epiphany not too long ago that you cannot adequately provide for the needs of another person when you, yourself are barely keeping your head above water. That applies to money, water and emotions.

Somewhere in this is a piece I have overlooked. I have the love of a good man, and although he's not physically here, I do not doubt his intentions or feelings. He makes me feel good. He also grounds me and although I never hear him grumbling or criticizing me, I know that he wonders if maybe he is a distraction from 'what is important' - To me, he isn't, but I think I am taking my personal space in the wrong way. I play a computer game in the front room, around my children who are doing something else.. While I can see them, and they are fed and provided for, they are not experiencing a family. Maybe this is my default becuase I don't KNOW what family feels like.

It's not meant to be a cop-out or a scapegoat, but it sure makes me look at the situation. What am I missing? I think some of it is physical activity, I think some is reading, I think some is shutting my bedroom door, but I think most of it is a lack of structure. I feel like there's an empty space in my home... a void that's more vivid than the colors around. I'm sure I'm failing to articulate this exactly, but... I feel like I'm waiting for SOMETHING before I begin to do my real work.

And... That sucks. :(

So, Today I begin to move forward... slowly, baby steps. Maybe even someday I'll be the huggy lovey dovey super mom.. but, if not, maybe I'll just stop working on my ass grove on my computer chair and some things will get done around here.

I see a compromise coming!!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009


I think I'm going to go ahead and keep him.