Well, the title is a great indication of the mood of this post. I am soooo loved and blessed to be related to people as generous, supportive and kind. My best friend and her wife had birthdays both today and Sunday (the 26th and 27th), and had a party planned for Saturday. Now, I was "sick" to work Saturday.. my poor pants were just too ill to make it in. It happens from time to time. So, I went, helped spiffy up the house for her dad, and for us to just sit around and do whatever without going "well, shit, another can" (it also happens), her dad came, and started to bestow presents - only he started with me. I looked at him, surprised, since it wasn't my birthday.. not even for 4 more months! I figure, it's George. He has always been slightly bent, if not crazy, and it's probably just him trying to add to the goofiness factor, it's what he does. We sit down, and he shoves a box at Liz and tells her to start.. it's a Georgeball - a bunch of stuff wrapped in crepe paper in a ball.. you remove the paper and unearth layers of stuff.. I lost count at the number of socks he gave her, but it took her a while to get through it all. Liz, Cathy and I all got a bunch of VHS tapes, some with B grade movies, most with SNL sketches and comedians. I got Dr Phibes! (funny, I had just talked to Krista's beau about the movie, and lo and behold, there it was!)
So, Liz is unwrapping the ball of doom, Cathy and I are tearing through our tapes of doom (she got a bunch of James Bond movies.. THAT'S cool) and they tell me there's more for me. More? It's not my fucking birthday. It's theirs, but THEY were in on it. Here I thought George was killing 3 birds with one stone, and they were all in on it! I open the big pink bag first, and right on top is a doll.. but not just ANY doll, a French vampire doll. My very own French Vampire. Oh, Oh they are very, VERY good. I have been reading the Anita Blake series, and have been quite taken with Jean-Claude. For weeks, I have said "I need a French vampire." See what happens when you tell creative people something? They make it happen. They took a Wedding Ken doll, and pimped him out, decked his jacket with lace, put a black wig on him.. Oh, Ken, you never looked sooo good. So, I got my own Jean-Claude. I turned a unique shade of purple-red, but there was more. OH yes, there was more. under him was a ducky with vampire fangs (fans who have gone to Laurell K Hamilton's site will know the "tub toy" I'm talking about.. AT this point, I am furiously blushing and giggling stupidly. and everyone is watching me with glee. Damn people who love me. But UNDER all that was a shirt... it says "Jean-Claude slept here" OH.. THEY ARE GOOD. VERY VERY good. I have never glowed both from embarrassment and joy QUITE like this. :) in the 2nd bag is a bag of Starbucks coffee (YAY) , a bag of chocolate covered espresso beans, a gift card (OOOOOO) and a mug that has been personalized... to read (get ready for it) "Coffin Bait for Jean-Claude"
I am loved loved loved loved loved and I don't even care that they picked on me so mercilessly.
It was my birthday in August - I have never been a Virgo before, it was really cool. :)
Monday, August 27, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
regret sucks
Today is the birthday of my ex-husband. The divorce isn't final yet, but the relationship is wayyy over. Last year, he turned 30, and I bought him a very nice hotel room, with a jacuzzi tub and fireplace. Why? because my 30th sucked, sucked hard. I wanted my husband, the man I chose to spend my life with to have something beautiful, grown up and nice. Nicer than anything else I had ever had. I did not share the room with him. He took his girlfriend. :) Yeah, his girlfriend. all our marriage, he had been looking at other women, talking online to women, searching for .... something... and eventually he found someone as stupid as me to want him. She was 19 when we met in person. She insisted she didn't want to ruin our marriage, our relationship came first. But as with ALL those extramarital affairs, that changed. She wanted him full time. Went as far as to say that the kids and I were in her way. Now, I was friendly, and she asked me if I wanted her to stop.
I said no. OF course I said no. I said yes for HIM.. why would I say no now? bit by bit more and more of my marriage was taken from me and given to her. And it didn't start slowly either. 2 years later, he and I have THE fight about how she's more important than our family, and suddenly, *I* have fucked up. And now *I* must work very hard to put everything right. Now *I* must become perfect so he will not leave me.
SO he got a hotel room. I stayed home with the kids (as usual) and counted down until I could collapse and break down fully. I didn't make it to 8pm. More junk, hurt, etc.. and I left on our anniversary (the 8th wedding.. we'd been a couple since 1994) and here's his 31st birthday. I felt like I was doing just fine. He came and got the kids for his weekend with them.. I didn't like his new aftershave. I think the Vandyke with the haircut is goofy. He's gotten tanned, maybe he's been working outside, or just laying in the sun.
As big and bad as I try to become, I will always have that 17 year old girl inside me who moons after him. Who sees nothing but her Knight in Flesh Colored Armor. Right now, I'm a fat 33 year old divorcee with 5 kids (at their dad's this weekend) freaking out about making it to next month. I can't remember how he felt. I can remember his smell. I can remember some sounds. but I DO remember the disapproving look. His scorn when I was breaking down on Christmas because he'd spent all of my birthday so sick he didn't spend it with me. His total lack of regard for my emotional well being. And I am acutely aware of how it has shaped the person I am. I am hard, I am cold, I am ruthless with some things. I regret later, but I act now.
I hate that most of all. I am what I hate. I can change, right? How can I do that when I look at the house we lived in and see things according to how HE would have wanted them? and I feel this massive pressure between my eyes that they aren't as he wishes. Still, he's there. He's here. he changed me. and I'm not aware of it when it happens. sigh
Picking up and moving on, not something I'm proficent with. I want to have a happy life, a full life. I don't know where to start.
One alligator at a time?
I said no. OF course I said no. I said yes for HIM.. why would I say no now? bit by bit more and more of my marriage was taken from me and given to her. And it didn't start slowly either. 2 years later, he and I have THE fight about how she's more important than our family, and suddenly, *I* have fucked up. And now *I* must work very hard to put everything right. Now *I* must become perfect so he will not leave me.
SO he got a hotel room. I stayed home with the kids (as usual) and counted down until I could collapse and break down fully. I didn't make it to 8pm. More junk, hurt, etc.. and I left on our anniversary (the 8th wedding.. we'd been a couple since 1994) and here's his 31st birthday. I felt like I was doing just fine. He came and got the kids for his weekend with them.. I didn't like his new aftershave. I think the Vandyke with the haircut is goofy. He's gotten tanned, maybe he's been working outside, or just laying in the sun.
As big and bad as I try to become, I will always have that 17 year old girl inside me who moons after him. Who sees nothing but her Knight in Flesh Colored Armor. Right now, I'm a fat 33 year old divorcee with 5 kids (at their dad's this weekend) freaking out about making it to next month. I can't remember how he felt. I can remember his smell. I can remember some sounds. but I DO remember the disapproving look. His scorn when I was breaking down on Christmas because he'd spent all of my birthday so sick he didn't spend it with me. His total lack of regard for my emotional well being. And I am acutely aware of how it has shaped the person I am. I am hard, I am cold, I am ruthless with some things. I regret later, but I act now.
I hate that most of all. I am what I hate. I can change, right? How can I do that when I look at the house we lived in and see things according to how HE would have wanted them? and I feel this massive pressure between my eyes that they aren't as he wishes. Still, he's there. He's here. he changed me. and I'm not aware of it when it happens. sigh
Picking up and moving on, not something I'm proficent with. I want to have a happy life, a full life. I don't know where to start.
One alligator at a time?
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Remebrance
Sometimes we forget who we are. People change, it's true, but some things stay the same - you like rainbows, ice cream, music, spirituality, whatever it is, you become defined by it. Sometimes those things take a back seat to something else in your life, but never really go away, you just need a reminder of that part of who you are, like a body part. :)
I love Phantom of the Opera, most specifically Michal Crawford's Phantom. I had forgotten just how amazing his performance of Phantom was. I had also forgotten about music, the call it has on me. I can hear music in my head anytime, anywhere, with full orchestral backing if it calls for it. Through time, the quality of the music will fade on me, and if I refresh it, it gets strong again. :)
I have kids, kids who don't have much of a musical education. Once upon a time ago, I used to sing, and I was fairly good; the choir kid, went to California All State Honor Choir in 1992 and 1993. I had a few solos. If I had been in a big city with more people, I would probably have been ignored, but I didn't grow up there, I grew up here, and I was pretty damn okay! I had wanted to major in music as nothing else in my life had ever been so strongly ME. Susanne can Sing. it's a fact. Now, I'm not radio quality, and I'm certainly not Sara Brightman good, and I never was, but I can sing better than the average person, and the fact that no one has had bleeding ear drums just cements that for me ;)
My range has diminished through age and disuse. It's sad, and it hurts that I know I used to have wider range than I have now, but I can still sing strongly and steadily, and I don't' make people's ears bleed (always a plus) I had wanted to use my skill and become a music educator. Why? Because what else do you do with a degree in music? :)
I've tried to instill music in my children, but my reverence for it probably keeps me being a stingy ass with it. :(
Listening to Mr. Crawford as Phantom tonight just reminded me "oh, hey, I have a hand here!" Pretty important piece of myself to leave off. :)
And for tonight, I find myself being nostalgic, missing HIM. Not the HIM that I left, but the HIM who stopped music entirely. I always hear songs. And for him, they stopped cold. I thought it was because he focused me, he "completed me" (gag) maybe it was a warning I should have heard way back then.
I have no illusions that I "would have been" anything, but I get nostalgic for the girl I was when I met him in 1992 (pre-crash, thank you) and it makes my heart ache. its an immeasurable loss. :(
I love Phantom of the Opera, most specifically Michal Crawford's Phantom. I had forgotten just how amazing his performance of Phantom was. I had also forgotten about music, the call it has on me. I can hear music in my head anytime, anywhere, with full orchestral backing if it calls for it. Through time, the quality of the music will fade on me, and if I refresh it, it gets strong again. :)
I have kids, kids who don't have much of a musical education. Once upon a time ago, I used to sing, and I was fairly good; the choir kid, went to California All State Honor Choir in 1992 and 1993. I had a few solos. If I had been in a big city with more people, I would probably have been ignored, but I didn't grow up there, I grew up here, and I was pretty damn okay! I had wanted to major in music as nothing else in my life had ever been so strongly ME. Susanne can Sing. it's a fact. Now, I'm not radio quality, and I'm certainly not Sara Brightman good, and I never was, but I can sing better than the average person, and the fact that no one has had bleeding ear drums just cements that for me ;)
My range has diminished through age and disuse. It's sad, and it hurts that I know I used to have wider range than I have now, but I can still sing strongly and steadily, and I don't' make people's ears bleed (always a plus) I had wanted to use my skill and become a music educator. Why? Because what else do you do with a degree in music? :)
I've tried to instill music in my children, but my reverence for it probably keeps me being a stingy ass with it. :(
Listening to Mr. Crawford as Phantom tonight just reminded me "oh, hey, I have a hand here!" Pretty important piece of myself to leave off. :)
And for tonight, I find myself being nostalgic, missing HIM. Not the HIM that I left, but the HIM who stopped music entirely. I always hear songs. And for him, they stopped cold. I thought it was because he focused me, he "completed me" (gag) maybe it was a warning I should have heard way back then.
I have no illusions that I "would have been" anything, but I get nostalgic for the girl I was when I met him in 1992 (pre-crash, thank you) and it makes my heart ache. its an immeasurable loss. :(
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