So, yeah. I think the title says most of what I'm feeling. It's always something. I think though, something happened that I wasn't aware of. I turned my back on the alligators. I know that I have adopted the feeling of "I'm busy, overwhelmed. It's hard." and I have dropped the ball in my life. The bad thing about being the only one running the show is that you're to blame if it goes wrong. the GOOD thing about being the only one running the show is that you're the only one to blame.
I've been looking at the long list of negatives and accepting them as creed. I'm a single parent of 5 kids, I have a deadbeat ex, I have too many bills and not enough money, I live in a house too small for 6 people.. Well, those are ALL true, but I don't look at the positives. I AM a single parent, and that means that I can parent my children as *I* want, not how someone else expects me to. For many people they have a great partner to help with child rearing and you're all on the same page, but there are MANY times that's not true. But, I don't ever have to argue with anyone about the day to day mechanics of my life, and I haven't accepted that yet - what the hell? am I stupid? Dude, run with it! I do have a deadbeat ex. That means that should I ever remarry and have a step parent for the kids, the ex won't have much influence over the mix. Granted, if I remarry, I'm gonna have to go back to statement #1. I'll deal with that when I get to it. I have too many bills. Well, guess what, #'s 1 & 2 are involved with this - I can scale back my expenses and no one can tell me which need to stay or go. Hmm..... I live in a house too small for 6 people. Well, maybe, but these people are gonna have some killer interpersonal skills. And maybe if I get off my ass and start taking charge of my life again, they'll learn that they don't need as much to be happy.
Its a work in progress, but when I went to the customer service seminar on Thursday, I took away a LOT of personal information, just like on Tuesday when I had my class on time management and organization.
The key here is I haven't found what works for me. That's pretty big. I keep operating on systems that I didn't develop. I'm stressed out because I keep ignoring things I need to do. That doesn't work. Never has, never will.
So, baby steps. But the biggest one is how to deal with my 13 year old when I want to be as far away from her as I can get. I think teenagerdom is meant to enable us to let them go. But - somehow I doubt it's meant to make us want to kill them.
One thing that Jean Steele said during our seminar is that in your interactions with people, if 3 /4 of them you feel everyone is an asshole, it's YOU, not them. Guess that shit that's stinking is coming from me. DAMN!
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
California, you broke my heart!
I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you - but don't feel sad, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Only, when it comes to fundamental civil rights, it is. I'm typing this up the night of the most important election in the history of our country. Congratulations to Mr. President-elect Obama. Yes we can, and we have. On the issue of abortion in minors - it looks like we have changed. Minors will be protected by being provided with access to abortion - in a time where young people are lost and desperately seeking acceptance and a way to belong, they can make mistakes. Some mistakes are too costly to be used as a teaching tool. When you're 14, seeking love and acceptance and you make a mistake, an unplanned pregnancy, the last thing in the world you need is someone saying "you made your bed, now lie in it" I doubt at 14 anyone has the faculties to make responsible decisions - forcing them to have a child is preposterous. Even if you look at it from the adoption standpoint, this child is still growing and maturing. To carry a baby to term is so incredibly taxing - there's a reason women died in childbirth, and it wasn't just lack of medical care, women had children young - like 14 years old young.
If a child is going to have sex without your approval (I do NOT know ANY parents who want their 14 year old having sex), they certainly aren't going to tell you about a pregnancy, because they KNOW they're in over their head. ANd if they want to abort that baby, they will go about it - in any means necessary. Drano, coat hangers... they may sound like antiquated scare tactics from bad afterschool specials, but the fact is if your child wants to have sex bad enough and gets pregnant from it, they might want to have an abortion bad enough to go about it in unsafe ways - some of which leave them barren. It's not about permission, it's about protection of our daughters.
So far, this proposition seems to be denied (it would force doctors to contact patients parents 48 hours before an abortion is performed. I'm pretty sure that most of those girls don't come from swell families.) And I am proud of people reading it for what it is and protecting our girls.
But Prop 8. Oh God. Please... PLEASE tell me that all the 'no' votes haven't been counted. Please tell me that this state which went blue as SOON as the polls closed didn't turn their back on a very real social class of people. Please tell me that just because we have become better at being colorblind that we haven't begun to discriminate against Same-Sex couples.
California, people look to us to be progressive and forward. We carry the largest amount of electoral votes in this great union of ours. How can you turn your back on a community that is as much a part of you as Hollywood, wine country, earthquakes, sunshine, oranges and silicone valley? Maybe a lot of our policies are conservative, but I fail to see why the definition of marriage is between a man and a woman. That doesn't make it any more binding, lasting, loving, productive, supportive or permanent than it being between two consenting adults. It doesn't mean it's between a man and 2 women, or a man and a child, or a woman and a dog/donkey/goat/sheep/living doll *Ahem* It also doesn't guarantee lasting committment. I was a woman, he a man, and my marriage didn't last. My marriage was abusive, hurtful and disrespectful. It didn't stop him from cheating on me, in my home, where my children lived. It didn't stop me from being run down to almost nothingness under his boot heel.
Marriage is a legal union between two consenting adults. It's a civil partnership. And while most marriages take place in a church and are consecrated by God and their religion, it doesn't necessarily imply morality. Not too long ago (about 40 years ago, actually) whites could not marry anything but whites. How limiting. How disgusting, but how similar. It's not for government to decide who can or cannot be happy and enjoy a union. Same sex marriages are not viewed with the same social status as traditional marriage, and it CERTAINLY is NOT taught in school. My children MUST be in the 4% that does NOT teach marriage as part of the curriculum.
Please, California, by morning, please have proven this post moot, I would enjoy nothing less than deleting this post because I jumped the gun and posted this before the polls were all decided.
If a child is going to have sex without your approval (I do NOT know ANY parents who want their 14 year old having sex), they certainly aren't going to tell you about a pregnancy, because they KNOW they're in over their head. ANd if they want to abort that baby, they will go about it - in any means necessary. Drano, coat hangers... they may sound like antiquated scare tactics from bad afterschool specials, but the fact is if your child wants to have sex bad enough and gets pregnant from it, they might want to have an abortion bad enough to go about it in unsafe ways - some of which leave them barren. It's not about permission, it's about protection of our daughters.
So far, this proposition seems to be denied (it would force doctors to contact patients parents 48 hours before an abortion is performed. I'm pretty sure that most of those girls don't come from swell families.) And I am proud of people reading it for what it is and protecting our girls.
But Prop 8. Oh God. Please... PLEASE tell me that all the 'no' votes haven't been counted. Please tell me that this state which went blue as SOON as the polls closed didn't turn their back on a very real social class of people. Please tell me that just because we have become better at being colorblind that we haven't begun to discriminate against Same-Sex couples.
California, people look to us to be progressive and forward. We carry the largest amount of electoral votes in this great union of ours. How can you turn your back on a community that is as much a part of you as Hollywood, wine country, earthquakes, sunshine, oranges and silicone valley? Maybe a lot of our policies are conservative, but I fail to see why the definition of marriage is between a man and a woman. That doesn't make it any more binding, lasting, loving, productive, supportive or permanent than it being between two consenting adults. It doesn't mean it's between a man and 2 women, or a man and a child, or a woman and a dog/donkey/goat/sheep/living doll *Ahem* It also doesn't guarantee lasting committment. I was a woman, he a man, and my marriage didn't last. My marriage was abusive, hurtful and disrespectful. It didn't stop him from cheating on me, in my home, where my children lived. It didn't stop me from being run down to almost nothingness under his boot heel.
Marriage is a legal union between two consenting adults. It's a civil partnership. And while most marriages take place in a church and are consecrated by God and their religion, it doesn't necessarily imply morality. Not too long ago (about 40 years ago, actually) whites could not marry anything but whites. How limiting. How disgusting, but how similar. It's not for government to decide who can or cannot be happy and enjoy a union. Same sex marriages are not viewed with the same social status as traditional marriage, and it CERTAINLY is NOT taught in school. My children MUST be in the 4% that does NOT teach marriage as part of the curriculum.
Please, California, by morning, please have proven this post moot, I would enjoy nothing less than deleting this post because I jumped the gun and posted this before the polls were all decided.
Yes we can!!!
I want to hug America. Thank you. The long nightmare is going to end. Thank God for your courage for change. Thank you for the faith and strength to stand up and say "YES WE CAN CHANGE!" "YES WE CAN!!!" YES WE CAN!!!
God bless America, we will need it for the work ahead, but what wonderful work it will be.
God bless America, we will need it for the work ahead, but what wonderful work it will be.
Monday, November 3, 2008
I choose YOU!
I'd like to talk about Tomorrow. *the capital letter was intentional, because Tomorrow is election day* Tomorrow is possibly one of THE biggest days for our country. I'm from California, so we have Prop 8. Now, we have a lot of other propositions too, and they all boil down to money, but the thing with Prop 8 is that it will ban a law that currently exists in California - they right for gays to choose to be married. People have been saying "Vote YES! they're going to teach our children how to be teh ghey!!" that we teach marriage in school (where the FUCK did they dredge up THAT bullshit?).
If you look at it for what it is, you either belong to the camp of "them goddam niggers" or you belong to "What the fuck, dude" party. If you substitute "interracial" for "homosexual" in the campaigns, your blood either boils or you agree with the sentiment - that only white anglosaxon protestants (Awww, why not, we'll include them goddamn Catholics, but only because they hate them damn gheys) deserve 'equality' that is, as long as the people you are equal to are exactly the same as you in social status, religion and looks.
FUCK THAT SHIT. Equality MEANS Equality. Not "equal to or greater than". This ain't no math class. I'm heartsick with the idea that the rights currently available to PEOPLE in California will be gone as of tomorrow. It's disgusting and wrong that their best defense is that "they teach it to our children" I heard a commercial on the way home about "One school even took their class to a lesbian wedding and called it a 'teaching experience.'" Excuse me? Where the fuck did THAT come from? was it a charter school? or perhaps a granola coop of hippy lesbians (By the way, I'm down with you girls.)
I find it morally reprehensible to try and change people's minds by using children as a tactic. If the school took my children to a straight marriage, I'd be fucking pissed as shit. Who the fuck takes children to a fucking wedding as part of a curriculum? HOW does it apply toward learning? Don't EVEN fucking try and teach my kids morality. That's my fucking job, and I'll fucking cuss while I fucking do it if I fucking feel like I fucking need to. Fucking cookie?
I also am very, VERY scared that the regime that has had the stranglehold on our country for the last 8 years will continue with the prospect of McCain (Oh, I had respect for you once) and Palin (Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? I have 5 kids and manage everything with little/no help. Does that qualify me? I probably have the same population as your back asswards podunk Alaskan town). Maybe Obama isn't going to be the be-all, cure-all for the country, and I think it's going to get a bit worse before it gets better - because we have idiots who think that uppity niggers shouldn't be in charge. FUCK YOU, by the way.
*this political rant brought to you by a woman who has been put under extreme amounts of stress for FAR TOO FUCKING LONG*
In short, vote your conscience, don't vote because you think you're in the minority. Vote because you KNOW we need to change. Vote because you know that things are NOT okay in the status-quo, vote to protect the freedom and rights that we claim we have. Vote because we have already come SO FAR, we can't turn back and hide in the cave again.
If you look at it for what it is, you either belong to the camp of "them goddam niggers" or you belong to "What the fuck, dude" party. If you substitute "interracial" for "homosexual" in the campaigns, your blood either boils or you agree with the sentiment - that only white anglosaxon protestants (Awww, why not, we'll include them goddamn Catholics, but only because they hate them damn gheys) deserve 'equality' that is, as long as the people you are equal to are exactly the same as you in social status, religion and looks.
FUCK THAT SHIT. Equality MEANS Equality. Not "equal to or greater than". This ain't no math class. I'm heartsick with the idea that the rights currently available to PEOPLE in California will be gone as of tomorrow. It's disgusting and wrong that their best defense is that "they teach it to our children" I heard a commercial on the way home about "One school even took their class to a lesbian wedding and called it a 'teaching experience.'" Excuse me? Where the fuck did THAT come from? was it a charter school? or perhaps a granola coop of hippy lesbians (By the way, I'm down with you girls.)
I find it morally reprehensible to try and change people's minds by using children as a tactic. If the school took my children to a straight marriage, I'd be fucking pissed as shit. Who the fuck takes children to a fucking wedding as part of a curriculum? HOW does it apply toward learning? Don't EVEN fucking try and teach my kids morality. That's my fucking job, and I'll fucking cuss while I fucking do it if I fucking feel like I fucking need to. Fucking cookie?
I also am very, VERY scared that the regime that has had the stranglehold on our country for the last 8 years will continue with the prospect of McCain (Oh, I had respect for you once) and Palin (Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? I have 5 kids and manage everything with little/no help. Does that qualify me? I probably have the same population as your back asswards podunk Alaskan town). Maybe Obama isn't going to be the be-all, cure-all for the country, and I think it's going to get a bit worse before it gets better - because we have idiots who think that uppity niggers shouldn't be in charge. FUCK YOU, by the way.
*this political rant brought to you by a woman who has been put under extreme amounts of stress for FAR TOO FUCKING LONG*
In short, vote your conscience, don't vote because you think you're in the minority. Vote because you KNOW we need to change. Vote because you know that things are NOT okay in the status-quo, vote to protect the freedom and rights that we claim we have. Vote because we have already come SO FAR, we can't turn back and hide in the cave again.
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