So, yeah. I think the title says most of what I'm feeling. It's always something. I think though, something happened that I wasn't aware of. I turned my back on the alligators. I know that I have adopted the feeling of "I'm busy, overwhelmed. It's hard." and I have dropped the ball in my life. The bad thing about being the only one running the show is that you're to blame if it goes wrong. the GOOD thing about being the only one running the show is that you're the only one to blame.
I've been looking at the long list of negatives and accepting them as creed. I'm a single parent of 5 kids, I have a deadbeat ex, I have too many bills and not enough money, I live in a house too small for 6 people.. Well, those are ALL true, but I don't look at the positives. I AM a single parent, and that means that I can parent my children as *I* want, not how someone else expects me to. For many people they have a great partner to help with child rearing and you're all on the same page, but there are MANY times that's not true. But, I don't ever have to argue with anyone about the day to day mechanics of my life, and I haven't accepted that yet - what the hell? am I stupid? Dude, run with it! I do have a deadbeat ex. That means that should I ever remarry and have a step parent for the kids, the ex won't have much influence over the mix. Granted, if I remarry, I'm gonna have to go back to statement #1. I'll deal with that when I get to it. I have too many bills. Well, guess what, #'s 1 & 2 are involved with this - I can scale back my expenses and no one can tell me which need to stay or go. Hmm..... I live in a house too small for 6 people. Well, maybe, but these people are gonna have some killer interpersonal skills. And maybe if I get off my ass and start taking charge of my life again, they'll learn that they don't need as much to be happy.
Its a work in progress, but when I went to the customer service seminar on Thursday, I took away a LOT of personal information, just like on Tuesday when I had my class on time management and organization.
The key here is I haven't found what works for me. That's pretty big. I keep operating on systems that I didn't develop. I'm stressed out because I keep ignoring things I need to do. That doesn't work. Never has, never will.
So, baby steps. But the biggest one is how to deal with my 13 year old when I want to be as far away from her as I can get. I think teenagerdom is meant to enable us to let them go. But - somehow I doubt it's meant to make us want to kill them.
One thing that Jean Steele said during our seminar is that in your interactions with people, if 3 /4 of them you feel everyone is an asshole, it's YOU, not them. Guess that shit that's stinking is coming from me. DAMN!
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