I shall call the pebble Dare

2 weeks out. It alternately feels longer and shorter. Life went on just fine without me, and even held the door to usher me back in... only... I donno. I went through the door, sure, but I keep looking back out that door. Is that normal for everyone coming back from vacation? I just.. I donno.. my focus is elsewhere.

I miss him. I might go... oh, I donno 10 minutes without thinking about SOMETHING to do with him... holding his hand, his hands.. him holding me, hugging each other, his scent, his voice (oh... shivers), his eyes... Oh Lord help me, those eyes. The kind and gentle demeanor with my damn dog. Going on dates with him? How he held the door for me? How he listened to everything I said, really listened? His intelligence? Him singing, the crushing feeling of missing him, like someone is squeezing my chest so tightly, that I have to fight to breathe.

What the fuck happened?! Did I fall more in love than I ever remember being before? Lord help me. I haven't been in the physical presence with him more than 4 days... but, God help me if I don't feel like someone ripped off a limb, tossed it aside and said 'You'll manage" Yeah... Manage. Key word.

Am I a friggin' idiot for feeling like this? Is this just the beginning stages of love, where you want to wrap yourself in the other person so tightly that you end up frigging' wearing them? I mean, what the fuck? It scares me, and at the same time, I want to run toward the feeling with my arms held wide and embrace it fully. I want to feel that love all over me, around me, through me. I want it, I want it!

I want HIM. I cannot crush or consume him, and I don't WANT to, but Oh, how I miss him. I miss his arms folded around me, perfectly fitting around my shoulders. I miss him making me feel small, beautiful, lovely, LOVED. I miss feeling like he cared about ME as a person, who I am, what I think, what I feel. That I wasn't just another chick.

Oh man. A part of me worries that I am projecting too much on that infatuation period.. you become consumed with desire for the other person, so that you might forge a lasting bond... or at least get one hell of a romp. Part of me worries that I was treated so badly for so much of my life that I am hanging so much hope, expectation and promise on a Great Vacation.

Yet, with all that nay-saying, and analyzing.. I felt something.. like a curled up piece of my soul uncoiled, went to him, wrapped around him like a cat. I felt like I found a safe haven, where I could be goofy, silly, that I could make bad jokes and not be judged for their badness. That I could open up and sing... SING in front of him.. that not only could I curl around HIM, HIM, Scott, the Mayun!, but I could also walk beside him... that we could boogie on down together in total ... TOTAL silliness and it was just... it wasn't weird.

I never felt awkward or stressed about making conversation. I never felt like I had to TRY to make stuff work. Is that just because we talked for years and years and years? Maybe.. who knows... but... maybe this is where I look at how this all made me feel, and just decide "don't over analyze it." Maybe 'it is what it is' and that's all there needs to be about it.

I do know this.. I love this person. Everything about him I saw, I loved. Oh God, I miss him. (Even if he did cut my head off in this picture)

:)

Flap, Flap, Flap?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

So, I took that big leap, and there wasn't this bottomless chasm under me. There was My Scott. I could spend days talking about how much fun I had, how surprised I was by how deeply I feel for him (I knew I liked him immensely, and that I even loved him, but couldn't anticipate HOW MUCH) I could talk about the dates we had, what we did, about the lack of sleep, how we barely ate, but didn't notice. I could mention that this is the first vacation I have ever had without children.

I don't remember ever looking so happy - that's a cool thing. I miss him terribly. I wonder how "normal" that is for a budding relationship... you spend a lot of time together, and you fall in love, and you long for each others presence. Is it just the normal bonding? Is it more? Is it the good fit? *I* think it's more than the initial "I am attracted to you, and I like you IMMENSELY" deal that you begin with.. but... I am me.

One things for sure... when he left, I felt like a piece of me left with him. I don't feel whole anymore. It's weird. It was only 4 days... but.. I felt like something in me changed. Maybe that's just the sleep deprivation... but... look at the picture.. I think I'm shiny.

:D

This lack of cohesion brought to you by lack of sleep.

Shiny!!!

Scared

I'm scared.

Not in the boogeyman under the bed kind of way, but in the way where any number of things could happen, and you dont know which way the wind will blow.

Profoundly scared of being hurt.

Unsure it would happen.

Knowing that I will live through any hurt I may incur doesn't make it easier to bear. You'd think it would, but it doesn't.

Im scared to let myself want what I want, and find myself trying to distance myself from it.

Scared to trust.

Im scared, alright, but I'm leaping anyway.

I already know I can swim, let's see if I can fly too.

Post the next

Hey. Still there?

Cool.

So, like, yeah. Life has a way of grabbing you by the ears, shaking you about and then turning you to face a mirror from time to time. This is one of those times.

I'm tired, sad, demoralized and lonely. But it could be worse. It can always be worse, and at some point, hearing 'it could be worse' becomes meaningless. It is what it is.

I am dreading the work ahead in my life. I think I will afford myself this afternoon/evening of wallowing in self-pity, and then get back up, dust myself off and get back to work tomorrow. I did get a lot done today, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

I want the same things I always want, and I'm thinking that I wouldn't have been given this strong a desire if it weren't going to be fulfilled someday. I watch my best friends snuggle together like little love birds and I long for that. Someday, right? Yeah, doesn't make TODAY less difficult.

Again I am whining. I guess it's good to have a place to go to whine. Lately I feel like I have to do it a lot. :( Which means I need to start shifting my outlook. If you can't change your circumstances, you have to change you attitude. yeah yeah blah blah blah. whine whine whine.

:) Okay. Whining off.

Thanks for still being here. All... what, there's 2 of you? :) Thanks for listening.

The Untitled One

Ever have those times when you feel like you want to convey what's banging around in your head or thumping about in your heart but can't find the way to adequately express it? Yeah, that's where I am.

I wish that I could say that I am shiny, or even slightly glowy.. but the truth is, I'm just not. I wish I could be specific as what the ennui is caused by. There are reasons, and they feel like whining when I bring them out. Things are changing/have changed. I realize that that's what life does, it changes. I also realize that the universe has an intricate and elaborate plan that I fit into somehow, and when things change, they usually have an overall positive outcome. That doesn't mean that the change isn't scary or unsettling.

This post is going to end up with a lot of half-said things, and many implied things. That's just the way I'm going to leave it though. My intent was to put down the general feeling of unease and sadness. I don't need anything picked apart. My People are good about not belittling my feelings, even if they think they are silly. I love them madly for it. But sometimes, things feel so deep and strong that you don't dare talk about them, because 1) things are pending, and you don't have anything concrete, and 2) You just can't bear the thought of being made light of.

I don't know about looking back on all this and laughing someday, but Someday, I will be able to look back on this, because I'll survive it. I always do.

Sometimes, I'd just like to thrive.

Someday.

When you Wish Upon a Star

2 years, 3 months and 6 days ago, I wished upon a star. I departed from my normal wishes by asking for Happiness, "Whatever it takes." Pretty tall order. Especially when you cast out to the Universe and ask for Happiness, in whatever form the Universe deems fit to throw back at you. And, I have achieved it, mostly. I am Happy, overall, I am. But I have moments where I realize what my life entails.

I do a laundry list of all the garbage that's in my life.. Ex who would love to see me fail, just so he can feel smug and "right" *check*. 5 children who need their mother more than she can be home for them *check, check, check, check, check* A run down rental home *check.. eww* A significant lack of time to handle life's realities? *CHEEEEECK!* A job that pays better than I was accustomed to making, yet still isn't quite enough? *CHECK!* An unending desire to be loved and appreciated, cared for, protected, and ... whoa.. wait.. back up..

Yeah, that one's on there. I think that one's on every one's list though. The first conscious goal I ever remember having was to be a Dr. Why? because I had 2 massive seizures before the age of 7, and no medical reason why. The puzzle of why, coupled with the fact that it had happened to ME pulled me in and spoke to me early in life.. at 7. I knew ... KNEW I would be a Dr. at 7. Then, I discovered I could sing. Not just a little, but pretty damn well. That became ambition #2, replacing #1.

Then, it happened... puberty, and the goal of acceptance, and ultimately, love. What do I want more than anything? It's not money, fame, fortune or even everlasting security. It's love. Its to have someone get me, understand me and want me more than anyone else in the world. It's to have someone want to be with me, near me more than anything else in the world. And its to return that feeling. That one showed up about 15, and never really left. I have mistaken love more than once, I even thought I was in love a few times, but realize, in retrospect that I only have truly been in love twice in my life.

One of the times is a Current Thing. The other was the Ex, and when I think about HOW much I loved him, I feel sad, ashamed (because he was SUCH AN ASS) and quiet inside. I KNEW I loved him. I KNEW he was THE ONE, only, he wasn't. I'm not sure there IS a "ONE" for any one person, but I love the thought so much that I still cling to it. I cling to the idea that SOMEONE Is my ONE so hard, because it gives me hope that this life culminates into more than the daily grind. That there's more to life than a paycheck, housework, homework, raising children, paying bills, surviving to fight another day is something I desperately need, it keeps me going. It gives me hope that there's more than just... This...It is hard to sit and wait, hope, have faith that the universe will answer the call, and what makes the Current One hard is not knowing, is having to have faith that if it is Meant To Be, it WILL be.

Happiness is as much a state of mind as a consequence, but sometimes, hope is pretty bright and shiny, and it's easy to be blinded by hope.

I hope, I dream, I believe, I put faith in the intangible, and I KNOW I make myself vulnerable for it. I want to love so big, so completely that I glow, that I shine with it. I need to believe in that, I need to believe it is real, that it happens.

But I also realize that.. if it is real, if my faith, hope, beliefs and dreams are real, will come to fruition, I can't force the hand, I can't force the issue. So, I have to step back and say "I want love". And let the Universe do its work for me.

Coolest Youtube EVAR!

*geekgasm*

'scuse me. I need to go wipe up.