Some days, I feel like I'm more on top of the heap of crap that has built up and become my life. Other days, I am painfully aware I am standing on a slick piece of cardboard and about to hurtle headfirst into a particularly fetid pile of it. How's THAT for an opener? Sometimes I find my foot in my mouth, or perhaps my head up other interesting and dark orifices.
Last night, I was bratty. Hopefully, I managed to contain it to a minimally noticeable whine, but I definitely felt self centered and childish. I wanted attention, reassurance that all the monsters standing with numbers outside my door really had the wrong house, and weren't waiting for their turn to come up. :( I went to bed with minimal fuss, but damned if I don't' feel guilty for not being a better friend last night.
I love my people very much, and I have been adding to the list of "my people." This should mean that I am more protective of my people, more loving, more understanding, supportive. In most times, I really am. But I have moments I am not very proud of where I just don't do it. I just don't' do what I expect of myself. I'm probably harder on myself about it than most people would be, but dammit, I'm me. :)
One of my friends is going through a very very crappy point in her life, and I can't do anything to help. How crappy is that? and... a taste of what my friends have been enduring for years with me and my former marriage. Only, she can't leave the person giving her shit, as it's a child.
blaaaargh. How crappy, huh? These people who have stood by me and kicked ass for me, and ON me.. I can't help them. How shitty.
I do love my friends. If any of them have found their way here, I hope they know I mean it. I really, really do. And one of you, I love as more than just friends. :)
I'll chalk it up to a learning experience and try and move on from here. Hopefully I DO learn.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Like Riding a Unicycle?
No, I have never ridden an unicycle, but the analogy is that once you do something, stop for a while, then pick it back up, it's like riding a bicycle, you just don't' forget how. What's it like for a unicycle?
I haven't written in months, not because I don't want to, but my computer broke for a good month and a half, then... well.. sigh. I am very good at not looking at things I don't want to see. (hence the marriage and girlfriend crap) If I don't want to look at something bad enough, I'll ignore it as hard as I can. (like the stack of papers on my desk in my bedroom) I have been finding ways to make Susanne happy, and have succeeded in many of them... but I have noticed a large hole. My family. I have neglected my family because I work, because I am exhausted from only sleeping 4 hours a day. Because I am stressed out that I am trying to fly solo when I should be flying in a flock. I imagine that it's the standard "single parent" blues. We struggle to make ends meet and in the end, neglect the people we're struggling for.
To say I am overwhelmed is an understatement. To say I am struggling is like saying "It's gonna be a long swim back to shore" to someone in the middle of an ocean. Filled with sharks.
I have found someone who makes me feel shiny, and I have known him for years. Not as well as I am getting to know him now, but I feel like I've been friends with him a long while. He makes me feel things I haven't felt in a long time. The drawback? He's not in California. So, no real hugs. The other drawback? I have 5 people depending on me to Make It WorkTM and if I can't manage that, not only am *I* fucked, they are too. I keep forgetting that I am THE most influential person in their lives. That just stops my heart, terrifying me. I don't' even have MY shit together, and I have to pretend I know what I'm doing so that when THEY come do this shit.. when THEY play "grown up" they will successfully know how to fool everyone else around them.
I have said it before, am saying it now, and will say it again : I didn't pick this. The Ex argues that I indeed did, but when you look at what I left, I defy anyone to say I should have stayed. No one would be stupid enough to do that. I didn't pick to be a single mother of 5, in a minimal job, struggling to even buy toilet paper. Meanwhile, he's across town, not paying me a dime. Not one. Have I asked? No. Should I ask? probably. Am I proud idiot for not being a bitch about it? Yep. Do I desperately want to DO this and not fuck up? .... sigh.. yes.
Yes, I do. So, that leads me to this quandary : how to do this, without fucking up, and making it LOOK like I have my shit together?
yeah. That's about as far as I got with it. But sometimes, all you need is to get the unicycle out before you tackle getting ON it.
Here's to hoping the sharks had chum before I began the swim.
I haven't written in months, not because I don't want to, but my computer broke for a good month and a half, then... well.. sigh. I am very good at not looking at things I don't want to see. (hence the marriage and girlfriend crap) If I don't want to look at something bad enough, I'll ignore it as hard as I can. (like the stack of papers on my desk in my bedroom) I have been finding ways to make Susanne happy, and have succeeded in many of them... but I have noticed a large hole. My family. I have neglected my family because I work, because I am exhausted from only sleeping 4 hours a day. Because I am stressed out that I am trying to fly solo when I should be flying in a flock. I imagine that it's the standard "single parent" blues. We struggle to make ends meet and in the end, neglect the people we're struggling for.
To say I am overwhelmed is an understatement. To say I am struggling is like saying "It's gonna be a long swim back to shore" to someone in the middle of an ocean. Filled with sharks.
I have found someone who makes me feel shiny, and I have known him for years. Not as well as I am getting to know him now, but I feel like I've been friends with him a long while. He makes me feel things I haven't felt in a long time. The drawback? He's not in California. So, no real hugs. The other drawback? I have 5 people depending on me to Make It WorkTM and if I can't manage that, not only am *I* fucked, they are too. I keep forgetting that I am THE most influential person in their lives. That just stops my heart, terrifying me. I don't' even have MY shit together, and I have to pretend I know what I'm doing so that when THEY come do this shit.. when THEY play "grown up" they will successfully know how to fool everyone else around them.
I have said it before, am saying it now, and will say it again : I didn't pick this. The Ex argues that I indeed did, but when you look at what I left, I defy anyone to say I should have stayed. No one would be stupid enough to do that. I didn't pick to be a single mother of 5, in a minimal job, struggling to even buy toilet paper. Meanwhile, he's across town, not paying me a dime. Not one. Have I asked? No. Should I ask? probably. Am I proud idiot for not being a bitch about it? Yep. Do I desperately want to DO this and not fuck up? .... sigh.. yes.
Yes, I do. So, that leads me to this quandary : how to do this, without fucking up, and making it LOOK like I have my shit together?
yeah. That's about as far as I got with it. But sometimes, all you need is to get the unicycle out before you tackle getting ON it.
Here's to hoping the sharks had chum before I began the swim.
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