On accepting the unchangeable

Dear Bloggy,

It's been a while since I've updated you. I'm sorry. Life has a way of grabbing me by the ears, screaming in my face, then slapping me on the ass and sending me back on my way in bewilderment. Cheeky monkey. There are times I become painfully aware that things are very much not how I wish them to be. I try not to shout about it too loudy, because it seems ungracious that with all the fortune, care and grace my people have given me, that I still find fault in my life and despair over it. I try and keep those moments short and fleeting. I really DO have much to be thankful AND grateful of.

Being a Gen X-er, I excell at bitching and whining. It's what we do. :) A couple things just bugged me today. One being the size of my body. I don't expect to be thin, or "average" but god damn, can I just stop packing it on? I know that weight gain goes hand in hand with stress, and let's face it, the only way I will ever NOT have stress in my life is to be dead. Still, I have beautiful clothes that I need to fit into, and I can't comfortably do that at this moment in time. I realize I need to watch my intake, and star exercising, and the rest will take care of itself, but I tend to be a selfish whore with my 'alone time' and I'd rather stare blankly at my computer than torture my out of shape body for 45 minutes, even every other day. Do I feel better when I do it? Um, YEAH. But do I like the thought thatI have that obligation? Fuck no.

The other one is being poor. I am so fucking tired of being poor. I grew up poor, I have lived poor as an adult and a parent. And when my children go to their friend's homes, and I see how beautiful their homes are, I get sad and jealous inside. It happens. We who have not tend to envy those who have. I live in an old house with crappy carpeting, crappy windows and... well, as much as it's home, my house is a piece of crap, and it doesn't even BELONG to me. AS I just said though, it IS home, crappiness and all. And realistically, my children would just TRASH that beautiful home, and then I would have to kill them, because that house would be fucking expensive, and while I love my demon-spawn, I do NOT like having to clean up messes, and I HATE having to repair shit they broke.

What I long for is an acceptance. Some things I will never change... being poor, my total physique (don't give me bullshit about how I can exercise, cut my intake, and work my fucking ass off to lose weight to be "hot" I'm fucking hot right now, I just want to be less pudgy. That's not much to ask.. I'm talking about being short and stocky naturally. I will never be tall and statuesque. Dammit.) The fact that I have a stupid Ex who would love nothing more than to see my mutilated corpse on the side of the road. (I do not share that sentiment, even though he's an ass) I just want to accept the things I can't change, the strength to change the things I can. And I want to know the difference between the two (Hey! I just want the AA prayer, and I didn't even have to become a lush to want it!)

Okay. Now, in light of this heavy post, I will say that I am genuinely grateful for the path I am on, and that some of the bigger rocks and pits have been removed, or a workaround has been put into effect for them. :) HUGS! We'll get through this... after all, nothing has managed to break us yet, why should this?

:D!