So, yesterday, I only got 4 1/2 hours sleep. That's my own fault, as I was up late playing a game with The Boy. When I got to work, I noticed my neck was stiff, and took a few advil and moved on (as I often do.) Well, last night, I crashed hard, went to bed and slept... probably until 2am, when I woke up with my neck screaming at me. Every time I would move, I winced, and it wasn't until I rolled to my back that I could fall back asleep. I woke as soon as I tried to roll to my side (I usually sleep that way). So, I'm tired, cranky and in pain. Hopefully the advil and tylenol coctail I took this morning knocks some of it out.
Grumble grumble
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Monsters in the Closet
The further away from The Dark Time I get, the more aware I become of what existed with me during that time in shadow. I can't help but feel like it's a testament to the amount of healing and growth I have gone through. I'll have glimpses of remembrance and be struck by the absurdity of it. If I hadn't lived through it, I'd have to swear I was exaggerating.
It makes me sad to realize what I endured. The abuse of it. I may have never been struck physically, but when your spouse is complaining that his girlfriend doesn't do things that you do, or when he's describing her physical assets with rapture, while your broken down body wilts before him.. you have to wonder, do you NEED to be physically struck to be abused?
It's shameful to remember, so I don't do it often. I'm an intelligent person, and I don't thrive on conflict or strife, I just endure it. To admit that my 'story' is as... well, stupid as it is, it's shameful and embarassing. I wish I could just lie and say "he was an alcoholic drunk, he beat me and was about to start beating the children".. people understand that. They think "well, you stayed because you wanted to protect the kids, and when he got violent toward them, you left, nothing wrong there" and they can accept it. To say "My highschool sweetheart was never truly happy with me, I was never thin enough, pretty enough, good enough for him, but I stuck by him anyway, and he got me pregnant. I stayed, tried to make the marriage work, and all the while, he was harping on my weight, and wanted me to let him have a girlfriend, as he'd never gotten to enjoy his youth. After years of being told this littany over and over again, I consented, thinking the girl would grow tired and go away. We had 5 kids together, and even after breaking my arm, being resigned to sleeping on the couch while he slept with his girlfriend in my bed (which I didn't discourage or try to prevent), I still tried. He got me to agree to walk away and leave my children with him, and I snapped, took the kids and went to a women's shelter" That all sounds so fucking pathetic to me. Maybe I'm not being kind enough to that 'self' Maybe I'm over judging becuase I can't quite understand how I'd allow it all to happen, or not leave sooner.
I don't know. I do know that I realized something from reading that summary though - I slept on the couch and let him have the girlfriend move in because I was so tired of being 'not good enough' that I gave up. I just gave up, gave in and just... I quit, because I couldn't understand a better way to cope against the abuse. It was my rebellion, my weapon.
I wasn't entirely powerless, no, but I couldn't understand that then. Maybe that's why flashes of my former self visit this current self. And I imagine in about 5 years, that current self will look back at this 'past' self and realize why I'm 30lbs overweight for me. Hell, I think I realize it now. I just hope I learn to forgive myself more than I do.
To the demon that exists in my former psyche - You're an asshole and a bully. You can't stand yourself, and you have to pull everyone down around you just so you can be taller than them. And for God's sake - She loved you, and you stood with your arms around her, talking about how wet your girlfriend's pussy was. What was she supposed to do? You know she doesn't fight back. You know she doesn't tell people to go fuck themselves. You know she doesn't know how. That's why you're doing that, that's why, when you see the life draining out of her eyes day by day you keep telling her about your sexual life that now excludes her. That's why. You're an evil fuck, and I hope that you're ready to pay when Karma comes knocking on your door, because you won't be able to avoid it.
*Hugs former self* You're gonna be okay, kiddo. You always are, but I'm understanding you more, and I want to stop judging you on where you came from, and begin to hold you up on how you survived it. You're loved, and someday, you're gonna accept it without trying.
It makes me sad to realize what I endured. The abuse of it. I may have never been struck physically, but when your spouse is complaining that his girlfriend doesn't do things that you do, or when he's describing her physical assets with rapture, while your broken down body wilts before him.. you have to wonder, do you NEED to be physically struck to be abused?
It's shameful to remember, so I don't do it often. I'm an intelligent person, and I don't thrive on conflict or strife, I just endure it. To admit that my 'story' is as... well, stupid as it is, it's shameful and embarassing. I wish I could just lie and say "he was an alcoholic drunk, he beat me and was about to start beating the children".. people understand that. They think "well, you stayed because you wanted to protect the kids, and when he got violent toward them, you left, nothing wrong there" and they can accept it. To say "My highschool sweetheart was never truly happy with me, I was never thin enough, pretty enough, good enough for him, but I stuck by him anyway, and he got me pregnant. I stayed, tried to make the marriage work, and all the while, he was harping on my weight, and wanted me to let him have a girlfriend, as he'd never gotten to enjoy his youth. After years of being told this littany over and over again, I consented, thinking the girl would grow tired and go away. We had 5 kids together, and even after breaking my arm, being resigned to sleeping on the couch while he slept with his girlfriend in my bed (which I didn't discourage or try to prevent), I still tried. He got me to agree to walk away and leave my children with him, and I snapped, took the kids and went to a women's shelter" That all sounds so fucking pathetic to me. Maybe I'm not being kind enough to that 'self' Maybe I'm over judging becuase I can't quite understand how I'd allow it all to happen, or not leave sooner.
I don't know. I do know that I realized something from reading that summary though - I slept on the couch and let him have the girlfriend move in because I was so tired of being 'not good enough' that I gave up. I just gave up, gave in and just... I quit, because I couldn't understand a better way to cope against the abuse. It was my rebellion, my weapon.
I wasn't entirely powerless, no, but I couldn't understand that then. Maybe that's why flashes of my former self visit this current self. And I imagine in about 5 years, that current self will look back at this 'past' self and realize why I'm 30lbs overweight for me. Hell, I think I realize it now. I just hope I learn to forgive myself more than I do.
To the demon that exists in my former psyche - You're an asshole and a bully. You can't stand yourself, and you have to pull everyone down around you just so you can be taller than them. And for God's sake - She loved you, and you stood with your arms around her, talking about how wet your girlfriend's pussy was. What was she supposed to do? You know she doesn't fight back. You know she doesn't tell people to go fuck themselves. You know she doesn't know how. That's why you're doing that, that's why, when you see the life draining out of her eyes day by day you keep telling her about your sexual life that now excludes her. That's why. You're an evil fuck, and I hope that you're ready to pay when Karma comes knocking on your door, because you won't be able to avoid it.
*Hugs former self* You're gonna be okay, kiddo. You always are, but I'm understanding you more, and I want to stop judging you on where you came from, and begin to hold you up on how you survived it. You're loved, and someday, you're gonna accept it without trying.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
One of These Things is NOT Like the Other
Okay, so aside from outing myself as a fan of children's public television from the 70's and 80's era, I'm here to address an issue called 'iniquity'. I may or may not have posted - I could go back and look, yes, but I am eternally lazy, and that would imply that I am capable of going back to see what the fuck I said before, and I think I have demonstrated that not only do I have the attention span of a goldfish (what? The attention span of a goldfish... what?) but I lack the trait that a lot of people are prided upon called motivation. I mean, if it's not gonna kill me, is it really necessary to inconvenience my lazy ass and go look in my previous posts?
(breath)
Okay, back to the issue. I was hired to Santa Barbara County Planning and Development in November of 2007, and began my probationary period in December of 2007. When I was hired, we had a woman with 9 years experience on the job(The Older One), and another woman with 2 years and going on maternity leave(The Pregnant One). That left me, the newbie, who was scared of her frickin' shadow and terrified of fucking up and being let go (YOU go have 5 kids and then have to raise them alone, without the help from your ex-spouse, and dwindling government benefits and see if YOU don't shit bricks when you misspell something).
Now, for 2 months, I was largely left alone to babysit the phones, do mail and distribution, and help customers (My strong suit, and what they hired me for). The Pregnant One was going on leave at the end of March, so they amped up my training.. meaning they decided that I had to go spend every day with the Older One, who was hellbent on cramming as much into my thick skull as could be crammed in a very short amount of time. Why the rush? Because after she had a fight with The Big Boss Lady, she decided she'd had it and was going to retire.. at THE END OF FUCKING MARCH.
Yes, folks, the new kid was expected to step up and learn everything in an incredibly short amount of time. Never one to let a challenge slip by, I rose to the occasion and stepped up. I learned and learned and learned. And BOY DID I GET MY ASS KICKED. The Older One was bitchy. VERY bitchy. (obviously, she was of retirement age, so that lends something to the pot of Bitchy), condescending and rude to me. I left that office in tears more than once. I'd like to say that I'm tough and stoic and that it takes a lot to make me cry, but anyone who has known me any length of time knows my emotions run close to the surface and very very strongly. When I get pissed, I get PISSED, happy, elated, angry, I'm fucking scary. So it doesn't take much to make me cry. Still, I had to endure it, or find another job.
No, I didn't tell our supervisor. Why? Well, see, there's this thing called probation (It doesn't end until December of 2008), I didn't know anything, and I knew The Older One and my Supervisor had a long history and a friendly relationship. Granted, I should have said "she's being a bitch", but I figured I was being short tempered and sensitive. (only a little)
Okay, fast forward. The end of March hits. The Pregnant One leaves (she BETTER COME BACK), The Older One goes to retirement, but plans to come back as extra help to keep training me. They hire another woman to fill in the 3rd position.. we'll call her Dumbfuck. Dumbfuck was with the County before, but left for familial reasons. She came back. They reinstated her. Apparently (and I only found this out recently), she was hired back at about $2 an hour more than me. And I got to train her, since she wasn't from our dept. She was bitchy, bossy and rude to me. IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS (OH HEYULL NAW!) They let her go 2 weeks ago.
Now, they reclassified my position, and it meant more money. WOOT! You'd think I should shut the fuck up and be happy, right? Nope! Turns out, they reclassified me as an entry level position.. but at the highest end of pay.. I am topped out for entry positions.. until Oh, JUNE OF FUCKING 2009. I'm a little pissed. But.. what ever.. I'm not leaving my job, I LOVE my work, I love where I am, I love the people and I love the subject matter. So, Shut up and fucking eat it. EAT IT BITCH, YOU KNOW YOU LIKE IT. (nervous cough..sorry) Anyway.. they hired a new girl... at a higher position than me. at more money than me.
Guess who gets to train her? Yep. Me. I have been running that damn office for about 3 1/2 months, and I am going to be THE LOWEST PAID person in our position (by the way, they will be doing the same work as me.. EVENTUALLY), AND I get to train both The Pregnant One and The New Girl. Okay. Say it with me... That's Not Fair! (can I get an AMEN! ?)
Okay, that rant aside, I won't leave, I WILL train them. I think I am coming close to even on the Karmic table... and I am not about to upset the apple cart with whining and pissing and moaning over and over again... but I would NOT be me if I didn't bitch and piss and moan a LITTLE.. I mean, if I can't kill my ex.. I can bitch some... right?
Anyway... Life is NOT fair, but you pick your fights. This isn't one I can win (for the record, I did talk to my Supervisor and pointed out what's going on. She asked, and they said No. I am where I need to be pay-wise. Sigh. It's unfair, but it's not the best of circumstances for ANYONE.
I am grateful that I am comfortable in my job, and that I will very VERY likely pass probation, making it near impossible to get rid of me. Go me.
I guess this is where maturity comes in and colors things prettier, because just 2 years ago, I would have whined and pissed and moaned, kicked my feet and thrown a GOOD tantrum. As it stands, I'm doing okay.. not great, but okay. I am grateful for where I have landed, and I have faith that the universe will put me where I need to be. It's doing a GREAT job currently.
Thanks East-Bonny.. BOCK BOCK!
(breath)
Okay, back to the issue. I was hired to Santa Barbara County Planning and Development in November of 2007, and began my probationary period in December of 2007. When I was hired, we had a woman with 9 years experience on the job(The Older One), and another woman with 2 years and going on maternity leave(The Pregnant One). That left me, the newbie, who was scared of her frickin' shadow and terrified of fucking up and being let go (YOU go have 5 kids and then have to raise them alone, without the help from your ex-spouse, and dwindling government benefits and see if YOU don't shit bricks when you misspell something).
Now, for 2 months, I was largely left alone to babysit the phones, do mail and distribution, and help customers (My strong suit, and what they hired me for). The Pregnant One was going on leave at the end of March, so they amped up my training.. meaning they decided that I had to go spend every day with the Older One, who was hellbent on cramming as much into my thick skull as could be crammed in a very short amount of time. Why the rush? Because after she had a fight with The Big Boss Lady, she decided she'd had it and was going to retire.. at THE END OF FUCKING MARCH.
Yes, folks, the new kid was expected to step up and learn everything in an incredibly short amount of time. Never one to let a challenge slip by, I rose to the occasion and stepped up. I learned and learned and learned. And BOY DID I GET MY ASS KICKED. The Older One was bitchy. VERY bitchy. (obviously, she was of retirement age, so that lends something to the pot of Bitchy), condescending and rude to me. I left that office in tears more than once. I'd like to say that I'm tough and stoic and that it takes a lot to make me cry, but anyone who has known me any length of time knows my emotions run close to the surface and very very strongly. When I get pissed, I get PISSED, happy, elated, angry, I'm fucking scary. So it doesn't take much to make me cry. Still, I had to endure it, or find another job.
No, I didn't tell our supervisor. Why? Well, see, there's this thing called probation (It doesn't end until December of 2008), I didn't know anything, and I knew The Older One and my Supervisor had a long history and a friendly relationship. Granted, I should have said "she's being a bitch", but I figured I was being short tempered and sensitive. (only a little)
Okay, fast forward. The end of March hits. The Pregnant One leaves (she BETTER COME BACK), The Older One goes to retirement, but plans to come back as extra help to keep training me. They hire another woman to fill in the 3rd position.. we'll call her Dumbfuck. Dumbfuck was with the County before, but left for familial reasons. She came back. They reinstated her. Apparently (and I only found this out recently), she was hired back at about $2 an hour more than me. And I got to train her, since she wasn't from our dept. She was bitchy, bossy and rude to me. IN FRONT OF CUSTOMERS (OH HEYULL NAW!) They let her go 2 weeks ago.
Now, they reclassified my position, and it meant more money. WOOT! You'd think I should shut the fuck up and be happy, right? Nope! Turns out, they reclassified me as an entry level position.. but at the highest end of pay.. I am topped out for entry positions.. until Oh, JUNE OF FUCKING 2009. I'm a little pissed. But.. what ever.. I'm not leaving my job, I LOVE my work, I love where I am, I love the people and I love the subject matter. So, Shut up and fucking eat it. EAT IT BITCH, YOU KNOW YOU LIKE IT. (nervous cough..sorry) Anyway.. they hired a new girl... at a higher position than me. at more money than me.
Guess who gets to train her? Yep. Me. I have been running that damn office for about 3 1/2 months, and I am going to be THE LOWEST PAID person in our position (by the way, they will be doing the same work as me.. EVENTUALLY), AND I get to train both The Pregnant One and The New Girl. Okay. Say it with me... That's Not Fair! (can I get an AMEN! ?)
Okay, that rant aside, I won't leave, I WILL train them. I think I am coming close to even on the Karmic table... and I am not about to upset the apple cart with whining and pissing and moaning over and over again... but I would NOT be me if I didn't bitch and piss and moan a LITTLE.. I mean, if I can't kill my ex.. I can bitch some... right?
Anyway... Life is NOT fair, but you pick your fights. This isn't one I can win (for the record, I did talk to my Supervisor and pointed out what's going on. She asked, and they said No. I am where I need to be pay-wise. Sigh. It's unfair, but it's not the best of circumstances for ANYONE.
I am grateful that I am comfortable in my job, and that I will very VERY likely pass probation, making it near impossible to get rid of me. Go me.
I guess this is where maturity comes in and colors things prettier, because just 2 years ago, I would have whined and pissed and moaned, kicked my feet and thrown a GOOD tantrum. As it stands, I'm doing okay.. not great, but okay. I am grateful for where I have landed, and I have faith that the universe will put me where I need to be. It's doing a GREAT job currently.
Thanks East-Bonny.. BOCK BOCK!
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