On accepting the unchangeable

Dear Bloggy,

It's been a while since I've updated you. I'm sorry. Life has a way of grabbing me by the ears, screaming in my face, then slapping me on the ass and sending me back on my way in bewilderment. Cheeky monkey. There are times I become painfully aware that things are very much not how I wish them to be. I try not to shout about it too loudy, because it seems ungracious that with all the fortune, care and grace my people have given me, that I still find fault in my life and despair over it. I try and keep those moments short and fleeting. I really DO have much to be thankful AND grateful of.

Being a Gen X-er, I excell at bitching and whining. It's what we do. :) A couple things just bugged me today. One being the size of my body. I don't expect to be thin, or "average" but god damn, can I just stop packing it on? I know that weight gain goes hand in hand with stress, and let's face it, the only way I will ever NOT have stress in my life is to be dead. Still, I have beautiful clothes that I need to fit into, and I can't comfortably do that at this moment in time. I realize I need to watch my intake, and star exercising, and the rest will take care of itself, but I tend to be a selfish whore with my 'alone time' and I'd rather stare blankly at my computer than torture my out of shape body for 45 minutes, even every other day. Do I feel better when I do it? Um, YEAH. But do I like the thought thatI have that obligation? Fuck no.

The other one is being poor. I am so fucking tired of being poor. I grew up poor, I have lived poor as an adult and a parent. And when my children go to their friend's homes, and I see how beautiful their homes are, I get sad and jealous inside. It happens. We who have not tend to envy those who have. I live in an old house with crappy carpeting, crappy windows and... well, as much as it's home, my house is a piece of crap, and it doesn't even BELONG to me. AS I just said though, it IS home, crappiness and all. And realistically, my children would just TRASH that beautiful home, and then I would have to kill them, because that house would be fucking expensive, and while I love my demon-spawn, I do NOT like having to clean up messes, and I HATE having to repair shit they broke.

What I long for is an acceptance. Some things I will never change... being poor, my total physique (don't give me bullshit about how I can exercise, cut my intake, and work my fucking ass off to lose weight to be "hot" I'm fucking hot right now, I just want to be less pudgy. That's not much to ask.. I'm talking about being short and stocky naturally. I will never be tall and statuesque. Dammit.) The fact that I have a stupid Ex who would love nothing more than to see my mutilated corpse on the side of the road. (I do not share that sentiment, even though he's an ass) I just want to accept the things I can't change, the strength to change the things I can. And I want to know the difference between the two (Hey! I just want the AA prayer, and I didn't even have to become a lush to want it!)

Okay. Now, in light of this heavy post, I will say that I am genuinely grateful for the path I am on, and that some of the bigger rocks and pits have been removed, or a workaround has been put into effect for them. :) HUGS! We'll get through this... after all, nothing has managed to break us yet, why should this?

:D!

Meme a me!

Please share your best birthday memory.
Now, please share your worst birthday memory.

I probably didn't cut and paste it to it's graphical goodness, but I'll take a whack at it. :D

My best birthday memory is easy. Last year, August 25th, the year I became a Virgo. Joe, Cathy, Liz and her dad, George, all threw me a surprise party on Aug 25th. I was lured into the trap by George saying "Liz's birthday is the 27th, Cathy's is the 26th, lets celebrate them on the 25th as a big party. It's the only day they can all get off." So, of course, I made arrangements to be there, washed dishes, cleaned up the house in prep of the celebration. They had planned on throwing me a surprise party, and a surprise it WAS, since my birthday is Christmas Eve! Ah, the love.

The worst birthday? It could be my 30th, where nothing special happened, at all. The Ex took the day off work, sure, but we watched TV and had pizza for dinner. That was it for the BIG 3-0. It could be my 31st, where the Ex was so sick he stayed in bed all day, then told me "we can reschedule your birthday" rather insensitively.

I would like to think that I have the worst of the birthdays out of the way and have nothing but good fortune to look forward to from now on. I mean, I'm a Virgo now. :D

My Celtic sign :D

Baby, what's your sign? (Celtic Zodiac)

You were born in the month of the birch. To the Druids, the Birch represents renewal, rebirth and inception, since it was the first tree to come into leaf after the Winter Season. In general, Birch individuals are determined, resilient and ambitious. Birch individuals believe that hard work, patience and persistance will eventually triumph. Birch people are loyal, reliable and trustworthy, but prone to be reserved in displays of affection... although they are sociable with those they choose to socialize with. limitations are not readily accepted by Birch individuals and due to their drive and ambition, there is sometimes a tendency to grow cynical. Serious by nature with a somewhat droll sense of humor, Birch individuals sometimes aim to become less serious, which can lead to identity problems. There is a tendency for the Birch individual to experience loneliness and they often need a goal in life in order to avoid becoming depressed and pessimistic.
Take this quiz!








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How Long 'till my Soul Gets it Right?

Ah, the birthday post. :) This is where I sit and ramble about what I have learned about myself over the last year - not a bad thing, but to the people reading this (all 1 of you) it will be a rehash of the last year of awakening and self-realization, nothing new. But, me being me, I will sum up - I have learned more of who I am in the last year than in the last 33. I am Free, truly free - I can screw up or succeed on my own merits. I have an incredible support network. I have Family, and I have Family by Choice; these people are the wind beneath my wings, and the earth beneath my feet when I stop soaring. I am loved - for who I am, and for what I can/can't do; they have never tried to change me, only to help me see what's really bugging me. My children love me, even with the last 12 foggy years of my life, they love me I see it on their faces. And, definitely not last or least, I am a very worthy person. Worthy of love, success and happiness.

I am grateful to everyone in my life, for the support, kindness and belief I needed and would have foundered without, and still need. :D It's my birthday, but I have already gotten my presents from everyone throughout the year. :D

Thank you, everyone.

MUCH love, and shininess!

Excuse me..

I seem to have left my geek out...


I Am A: Neutral Good Human Bard/Sorcerer (2nd/2nd Level)


Ability Scores:

Strength-11

Dexterity-11

Constitution-14

Intelligence-13

Wisdom-13

Charisma-13


Alignment:
Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because because it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.


Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.


Primary Class:
Bards often serve as negotiators, messengers, scouts, and spies. They love to accompany heroes (and villains) to witness heroic (or villainous) deeds firsthand, since a bard who can tell a story from personal experience earns renown among his fellows. A bard casts arcane spells without any advance preparation, much like a sorcerer. Bards also share some specialized skills with rogues, and their knowledge of item lore is nearly unmatched. A high Charisma score allows a bard to cast high-level spells.


Secondary Class:
Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.


Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)




So, like, I thought I was like, smarter and stuff... but.. Oh well!!! maybe I'll come across a book, or a belt of charisma... damn, I need to get out more...

Float, Flutter, Fly

Sounded cool, and I couldn't think of a good opener for this here entry.

I keep forgetting the password of this place. By the time I get in here, I feel like a safe cracker, and my creativity is diminished. :)

I love work. Of course, it's new and I haven't been there long enough to hate it, and I might get there eventually, but for now, I loves it!

Im getting sleepy. I want to write a short story, but keep tripping up on what to write about.

Okay, since I didn't bring the cool, or the funny, Ima go. K?
Bye!

NNNGGGGHHHHHH!

I so wanted to post something awesometastic. I feel braindead..

Im gonna post a poem that my friend sent to me, and I loved instantly.

-Tread Softly-

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams

-William Butler Yeats-


I do love me some stars... off to look at Geminids.

:D