So true

My good friend Krista hooked me on Postsecret.com and I read the updated site every Sunday. There was one of todays that grabbed my attention and needed to be reposted.

If this is it..

So... the economy caught up with my little neck of the woods, and on July 24th, I walked out the door of Planning & Development without my key.

The layoff was hard. I didn't want to go. I knew for about 2 months that I would not have a job, but I didn't realize I'd stay until the end of July. I am grateful for that little bit of time. My job wasn't just a means to support my large family to me - it was an achievement. After being a stay at home mother for 11 1/2 years, then a sandwich slinger at the Vons Deli, I was an Administrative Office Professional II. I made $18 an hour and life was very comfortable and I was proud of myself. After thinking I was worthless and couldn't achieve anything, I proved to myself and anyone with doubts that I was good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people liked me. For me, that job was a shiny badge of progress and achievement.

I trained my replacements, but with not NEARLY enough time. My heart broke all over the place as I was trying to explain the difference between our office and theirs.. and looking at the terror in their eyes. I knew my job, I was good at it, and I had to train the people would be TAKING my job, with NOT ENOUGH TIME to do it adequately. I hated leaving them with leftover work, half finished projects and not enough information.

The staff was very supportive, letting me know they didn't want to see me go, and showing me appreciation. It's hard to leave an environment where you feel you can thrive. Today marks the first week of being unemployed, and the financial pinch reared its ugly head and made me want to curl up into a tiny ball and weep. I KNOW I will make it, but man, it's scary not knowing HOW.

To top that all off, Scott's been going through his own challenges in life. He's had to find a new place to live in a very short time. He hates his job, and was silly and took on a major musical which opens in 2 weeks. We routinely talk, but I can't help feeling like I miss him more and more every day. The good side of that is, I don't feel like he and I are straining apart for these changes. I think we're getting closer together because of everything in life that is changing and falling apart, he and I are the constant, the solace.

I have a job interview with another agency for Santa Barbara County. I'm excited and nervous - I really need the job, and welcome the challenge. If you have some to spare, I welcome all mojo and positive thoughts. If you need any back, I have TONS to spare.

Happy Father's Day

To my dad : I'm really glad that the 'Gotta' is gone Dad. I hope you are at peace.

To myself : You did the right thing by not calling him when he blew out his liver, was hospitalized and died a day later. You couldn't have said anything meaningful without hurting him.

To everyone who has a 'less than perfect' dad : If you don't call him tomorrow, you're not a bad person. Seriously.

To everyone who has a great dad : Call him. Seriously. And if you feel up to it, thank him for me. I'm glad your life has been enriched from him.

News from the Front

As many, MANY, TOO MANY people know, the economy blows goats. It just caught up with me. Today I was pulled into my boss' boss' office and told by HER Boss that I am being given a layoff warning. This means that for all intents and purposes, I will not have a job with the county come July 1st. Anything can change in a month, however I am not overly optimistic.

I started to cry.. not sob, but the tears leaked out. I knew it wasn't personal. She began to tell me how valuable I am, how good a job I have done, and they didn't want to let me go. While it sounds pretty, and it may be a line of crap uttered to a laid off employee who is crying, I'm going to take it as a compliment to my service to my department.

They can't lay THAT off.

I'm hurt. I'm sad, and I'm proud of the achievement I have earned - going from new hire and low woman on the food chain to the highest admin in our office. I had more responsibility and tasks than I was classified for, I had my own office, and I am proud that as a woman who was a stay at home mother, shut in and abuse survivor - that this is what I have attained 2 years after I left my ex husband and struck out on my own, after 11 years of no work experience.. I am PROUD of myself. I have kicked ass, I have left my name with people, and I may be laid off, but I am not FIRED.

I am proud that I have never been fired. I have quit, I have resigned, but I have never been fired. I need to look at that long and hard and accept it for what it is. I am competant, I am employable, I am valuable. I have learned much, grown more and am ready to begin to reassess my current life and find out what I need to change to get to where I need to be.


Maybe this job was the best thing I could get a year and a half ago, but it's NOT the only job I will have for the rest of my life, OR even the best job. That's yet to be found.

After my layoff, i wrote my boss and her boss and thanked them for everything they had done for me, the opportunities and the growth. I let them know I admired them and wanted them to know that whatever they needed me to do in the coming month to helo transition into the new system would be my pleasure to do.

I'm sad, I'm disappointed, and I feel a little defeated - but it will pass. I have earned the luxury of self-pity, and it will not last.

Krista once said I reminded her of a cat - I always land on my feet.

Meow.

it doesn't HAVE to be the SWINE flu to suck..

It's been a while since I posted. I'm sure all 2 of you understand, since I talk to you fairly regularly. Life's life. Work's work and suckish, and now I have a raging case of the stomach flu. I heard somewhere that if you had the stomach bug it's not really the flu, since influenza causes UBER COLD symptoms, such as fever chills, aches, pains, swollen lymph nodes, runny nose, sore throat. If thats the case, what the HELL do YOU call when you run to the bathroom and barf up the contents of your stomach, becoming impressed with the human body's capacity for storage? Add in the bowel emptying which, I had to describe to the baby as "pooping out water' for her to understand what I meant when I was asking if she had diarrhea..

Seriously, what IS that supposed to be called, Rotovirus? Sure, 'round here, you say "I got the stomach flu" and people flee in terror in speeds that will astound. You don't say "I got a rotovirus" People look at you and wonder what the crap you've been doing with your remote.

So, this rotovirus/stomach flu/minion sent from hell to exact vengance upon me has arrived, began with the baby, and has kicked my butt. YOU KNOW I am sick when I lay in bed for the better part of the day, and have nothing to do with my children. In fact, THEY knew I was sick for that and were worried about me. You know what that means, right? They're next.

Oh. Joy.

Excuse me while I half-heartedly sip my Hansen's mandarin lime soda and nibble my saltines all while cursing the invention of consumable food. I hate you food!

Getting Stuck in the Process of Change

Im fortunate to work for an organization that values training and knowledge. What can I say, I work for the 'overachievers' you hated to have classes with.

One thing I took away from training on Wednesday's "managing change' class is that change is a cyclical cycle.. you begin the process, you question or resent the need for change, you question and evaluate the possibilities of change, you achieve resolution, enjoying the change, then change will happen again, because we are not static creatures, and we are not characters in a play.

So, having said that, I have to say that while my biggest change in life over the last 4 years has been leaving my abusive marriage, striking out on my own and learning to support myself (sometimes with better and more responsible results than others), and how to hold a job (sometimes I'm too flaky, because I need to be focused from time to time). All this was mixed into something that I have lost touch with. I was a single parent for as long as I have had children. Granted, He brought home money and paid for us to live, but he never took care of the children, and the brunt of that fell to me.

I am finding that I have distanced myself from the ONE role that defined me for all these years... Motherhood. I have never been the touchy feely lovey dovey mom that many people think I should be.. but I have always been involved, and i have to say that lately, I have been patently UNinvolved. Somewhere between learning to have a career and maintaining a relationship, I have neglected the driving force for my leaving - the kids.

Now, I can't just stop being a selfish person. I don't think it's in my nature to split myself in so many directions and NOT get pissy. Maybe i'll surprise myself, though. But.. I was thinking on what I used to do on a nightly basis.. and I don't do it anymore.

Gone are the days when I needed to bathe my children - they are self sufficient and can shower on their own (Most days.. some days I need to remind them to use soap AND water.). They can dress themselves (Most days - some days I need to remind 'the baby' to put on chonies. OY!), and they can feed themselves. Somewhere in their independance I have forgotten that they still need me. I dont know that I LIKE being needed, but I suspect that were it to end abruptly, I would be shocked and not know what to do immediately.

The title to this post relates to the fact that while I was angry and hurt that I had to take this burden on myself, I kind of got between anger and resentment of change and questioning everything. At some point, I need to realize I AM in charge and own it. I have regressed and take as much personal time as I can, and we never do anything as a family. I have now modeled my own childhood - mom was busy, self abosorbed in her need for love (Oh, I got that trait in SPADES, let me tell you), but she managed to clean the house -something I resent doing and resist, as well.

I am NOT my mother, but I can now appreciate where she was when I was resentful that she wasn't gushy and lovey dovey. I had an epiphany not too long ago that you cannot adequately provide for the needs of another person when you, yourself are barely keeping your head above water. That applies to money, water and emotions.

Somewhere in this is a piece I have overlooked. I have the love of a good man, and although he's not physically here, I do not doubt his intentions or feelings. He makes me feel good. He also grounds me and although I never hear him grumbling or criticizing me, I know that he wonders if maybe he is a distraction from 'what is important' - To me, he isn't, but I think I am taking my personal space in the wrong way. I play a computer game in the front room, around my children who are doing something else.. While I can see them, and they are fed and provided for, they are not experiencing a family. Maybe this is my default becuase I don't KNOW what family feels like.

It's not meant to be a cop-out or a scapegoat, but it sure makes me look at the situation. What am I missing? I think some of it is physical activity, I think some is reading, I think some is shutting my bedroom door, but I think most of it is a lack of structure. I feel like there's an empty space in my home... a void that's more vivid than the colors around. I'm sure I'm failing to articulate this exactly, but... I feel like I'm waiting for SOMETHING before I begin to do my real work.

And... That sucks. :(

So, Today I begin to move forward... slowly, baby steps. Maybe even someday I'll be the huggy lovey dovey super mom.. but, if not, maybe I'll just stop working on my ass grove on my computer chair and some things will get done around here.

I see a compromise coming!!

*Sigh*

I think I'm going to go ahead and keep him.

We are the queer!

Anyone who dismisses punk out of hand as not 'worthwhile' musically has never heard The Decline by NOFX.

profoundly disturbed.

This morning I was revisiting my friend Krista's website and re-watched the I'm a European Roma Woman. That led me to do some light research into the Romani. I didn't realize that they were also interred with the Jews in execution and concentration camps. Whenever I read about the Holocaust, I feel a calm stillness inside me. There are things I have never seen, never wish to see and as much as I try to academically wrap my mind around the events, a large emotional piece of me covers my academic eyes so that I may never understand WHY. Because, for some things, there will NEVER be an answer to WHY.

I am sorry that I had been ignorant that the Romani people had been persecuted alongside the Jews. (This does not intend to say that it is more tragic that the Romani suffered as the Jews did. This is meant to state I am sorry I only saw the Holocaust as belonging to one ethic group)

Separate from this, but tied very strongly to Human Rights is the case of the Fritzl family. I was going to say that I wasn't sure what was worse - that it happened at all, or that it was concealed so well. I think they are the same thing. Unfortunately, I was a victem of sexual abuse by my mother's boyfriend at the age of 9. It didn't happen just once, and it didn't always involve force by him. I do not take responsibility for his actions. Adults are the responsibile party. My abuser was thrown out of the house a year later, when I was 10, and I was sexually abused through that time. Not every day, but it happened. I am not ashamed to say it happened, or even that I did not fight, which is often contrary to what we are taught. You have to fight for it to be wrong.

No. Abuse of any kind is wrong. That this occured in this woman's home, that she was imprisoned and sexually tortured by her father, enslaved and forced to bear his children... it's morally reprehensible. And while I was sexually abused as a young girl, *I* was rescued from at after a year. This woman's entire life was centered around this monstrous reprobate's sick desires. His claim that he couldn't help it, and the sentence of life imprisonment with psychiatric care will never excuse the fact that this young woman was imprisoned after trying to escape the horror of her father's vices (he began abusing her at age 11). Her mother was a passive partner to the abuse, and while academically we may call them enablers, I cannot help but think that he had a hold over her that she will never understand or acknowledge. You don't start out abused, just as the abuser never starts out abusing. It's a very gradual process, and eventually, you accept the abuse as normal, even welcoming it after it's abated for a while.

While I am no psychologist, I feel safe in saying that the mother, while not victimized so brutally, is a victem as well as the daughter, as well as the daughter's children. My heart aches for them, and I find my emotions putting hands up over the logical me's eyes.. "Shhh, it's okay, lets go think about something else now."

For me, there will never be a WHY great enough to undo the damage that was caused these people, but more frightenly, there is brutality, fear and control happening every day in every walk of life. Although your neighbor may not have a dungeon, do you really know what happens? Most of the time, probably yes, but most people don't say "Oh, he was a control freak, always yelling at his wife, that daughter of his always looked scared around him, and she would never talk when they were together. I wondered why he was building an addition under his house and would disappear for days at a time. Yeah, I never really thought he was a good guy." No.. most of us end up saying "He seemed like a nice guy, always kept to himself"

This doesn't imply a need for the reader to go investigate their neighbor's homes, only a glimmer of awareness that brutality and abuse occur everywhere.

Blah blah biddity Boo

Sometimes you just need to get crap out of your head without having a cohesive element, message OR style before you start typing.

This is one of those times.

On parenting : I'm sucking out loud, and i know it. I know I have been severely shirking my responsibilities (Dude, seriously, check out how many times the letter 'i' appears in this word. CRAZY)and it directly impacts my ability to parent WELL and to do.. well, EVERYTHING ELSE well. I don't NEED order in everything, but dammit, I want to walk down the hallway to my room or the bathroom and not have to step around, over, through or ON games or toys. And.. I do. I need to just step up and start DOING instead of bitching.

The kids have caught onto the bitching as "she's annoyed with us and we'll scurry around and get busy, but really, we're so not doing this on our own, and she'll mellow out soon and go back to playing her game, and then we'll be able to get back to doing whatever it is we were doing before she rudely interrupted us with this nonsensical 'cleaning' thing she keeps making us do." Or... something like that. But its no one's fault but mine that my children don't clean. They know I hate to do it myself, and that if they put it off long enough, there WILL be a blow up, nagging, then they can just do whatever. *sigh*

Every journey starts with a step.. blah blah.. yeah yeah, I know. I KNOW, but... dammit, I'm a stubborn ass. Totally, and I KNOW it. I know that I will do the exact opposite of what someone expects me to do if they push hard enough. I chalk it up to "YOURE NOT THE BOSS OF ME." Think I'll ever grow out of it? *shrug*

So, yeah, a full month of my head up my butt, and I'm coming back around.. mostly, and I'll stick it right back up there, because once you get used to the stink, you don't mind it too much.

I had another point to make, but apparently this post wanted to be about my lack of parenting. It's hard to take an identity out of growing children into adults for me. I just.. I donno. Some people are called to that. I don't think I'm one of those people, so I have to do the best I can with what I got. So, we buy new sheets and comforters (yeah, we probably didn't NEED them, but we GOT them), new shoes (yeah, they did need them) and laundry soap. After the bill comes up, we're looking at -$450 but happy kids. It's a balancing act.

Blah blah.. etc. I think i'll go to bed, and just call this post good. I didn't accomplish anything by this, I didn't learn anything new, or make some extraordinary revelation. I just posted what was in my head.

Scary place, huh?

*Runs screaming from room*

So.. teenagers.

Sigh. I was one, and I know I sucked out loud. Just got the progress report for the oldest. B-, C-, D+, C, A, A, A Anyone want to guess what the A's are in.. if you picked electives and PE, you get a gold star and a tart gummy bear.

I unloaded on her. Both barels, and I was. Not. Nice. No, I was downright mean. I regret it, and part of me thinks she's had it coming.. but.. really do any of us 'have it coming' when we get chewed out? probably not, and she probably didn't either.

"I CANT CARE MORE ABOUT THIS THAN YOU CAN!" And.. I mean that, even when I lost my temper and called her an idiot (ouch... Jesus, how much of my mother's rants did *I* forget?). She's NOT an idiot. She's a bright, funny, smart bubbly girl. Only, she picks the wrong people to hang with.. a girl who cuts herself.. a boy who has ZERO interest in her, yet she's over the moon about... :(

Yeah.. teenager years.. I DO remember the angst, the heartache and the stupidity. I don't think my mother yelled at me the way I have yelled at her. :( I regret that and wish I were a less impatient person.

I also wish I knew how to motivate her to JUST DO HER DAMN HOMEWORK. Seriously.

There are no answers to this, and the "you're a bad parent, just be a good one" people can bite my shiny metal ass. I'm doing the best I can.. Actually, I'm doing BETTER than *I* can most of the time, and I DO fall flat on my face, but by gum, I get up, dust myself off, and get going again, because *I* have NO other option.

Can I do better than I am doing? Yes. Will I do better than I am doing? Most of the time. Is it any of your damn business? No, but this is MY BLOG.. AND IT's ALL ABOUT ME! (winks at Krista)

How I'm going to survive the next 14 years is beyond me. Oh lord... Heh.

Must.. keep... hope..

This is going to have to become my dogged mantra. I recently told The Boy that if you can't change circumstances, you have to accept them. Change encompasses a broad array of options, by the way.

Typically, when faced with trauma, no matter the type, I freak out, avoid dealing with it, freak out some more, then come to a place of resolve where I trust that the universe won't give me the proverbial shaft. I'm forcing myself to go to the zen state, because frankly, I don't like myself very much right now. I'm irritable, lazy and pissy. And I have been kinda bitchy to The Boy. And I know he needs me right now. And I feel like a total jerkface.

I want very much for things to go my way, and right now, they just don't LOOK like they are. Looks are often deceiving, and unfortunately, I am NOT a patient person. I'm going to have to work on that. ;(

I want... I want a lot of things, and to ME, none of them feel extravagent or extreme. I want to be loved, first and foremost, and right now, I don't LIKE myself all the time, so that makes the being LOVED thing harder.

I totally hope that I am not becoming a spineless girl creature who bases her self-worth upon the acceptance of a man, because I've done that before, bought the T-Shirt, wore it out.. etc.

SCREW THAT. But dammit, I want The Boy to go to bed with me tonight, and to wake up with me tomorrow morning. IS that too much to want? Sigh. who knows.

Michigan feels pretty flippin' far away right about now. c'mon tax return... speed your way to me so I can get back on even keel and schedule my trip back east.

Wait, is that asking too much again? I can never tell.

If you have any spare hope laying around (it's okay, leftover hope is still good, just like roll-over minutes), toss some my way. I may not catch it right away, but I promise not to complain too much if it slaps me in the face. Especially if it makes a splatty sound when it hits me. Then it's just good fun.

That still, small voice

You know how you feel a tugging leading you to do something? Yeah, been having that. I don't feel drawn to change careers, or to do something ambitious or crazy different. I feel drawn to my children and a strong need that I need to get back to what I began over Christmas break. The simplest answer is sometimes the most correct one. I'm getting lazy again, the housework is backing up, I'm plopping down at the desk right when I get in, or I'm talking to a friend late into the evening. I should be walking in, getting the lay of the land and getting to work.

Lately when I revisit what I CAN do against everything my Ex does, I come back to the kids.. I cannot shield them from his garbage, but I can most certainly shield them from MY Garbage, and lately, my garbage is that I haven't been cleaning my house. How SILLY is that? I don't function well in clutter and chaos. Maybe it's a fault, but I kinda think that it's fairly normal for most people. 'Fix what you can, let God sort out the rest."

By golly, it's pretty darn good advice.

(Edited: Wow. I didn't cuss ONCE. *blink blink* Man, he IS Taming my fierceness)

Try not to spite the face..

Perhaps this a mark of maturity and acceptance of the mantle of "mother", but recently I've become aware that I have a child about to turn 14 in less than 5 months. That means in 4 years and 5 months I will have a child who is graduating High School. I will not be 40 then. HOLY CRIPES!

For the last .. however many years, I have been running a mental count down to when I will be emancipated from my children, and everyone around me keeps saying "it will end faster than you think, don't miss anything" and suddenly I'm seeing the wisdom. In 4 years, I will have a child hurtling toward adulthood and independance. A child who will probably think they are way more mature and 'with it' than they really are, a child who will probably roll her eyes at me and ignore every bit of sage advice from the "Hey, kiddo, I've BEEN THERE" column.

Oh Jees. I have to say that yes, I think I'm finally ready for this task that I'm doing. Lord help me and give me the strength not to screw it up on an epic scale. Remember, we have 5 of them to raise and release into the wild, and #5 goes by the nickname "Cute Demon Baby."

God help us all.

The Fair Just Left Town.

So, yeah, mom was right "life isn't fair" and it's just so true. It doesn't cushion the blow or make it suck any less, though. The Ex has been a real ass lately. I am getting child support now, thanks to wage garnishment. The overnights every other weekend have stopped though. I'm coming to peace with losing my personal time and space, but what I cannot come to peace with is the turmoil and pain it's causing my children. He no longer has a car that transports all 5 of our children (can you BELIEVE he wanted 10?) so he will pick and choose who he's taking when the weather looks "iffy." If he doesn't take the 5 seater, he makes them walk everywhere. At his pace. And it's not just my children whining, when I lived with him, he never walked my pace, and I had to run to keep up with him.

So, if they're not hoofing it (not in and of itself a bad thing), he picks and chooses who goes. Often it's my oldest. They haven't gotten along since the divorce, and thanks to his way of treating her (either he's treating her like she's stupid or terrible, or he's pretending she doesn't exist), we are going through therapy and treating with mild anti-depressants. We (my friends and I) knew that his interest would wane, and eventually he would disappear. Coming from his abuse myself, I didn't really think this would be a BAD thing, but I'm watching my children hurt from it.

I think the one who is going to be hurt MOST by all of this is Isabella, because she's his favorite. She always goes with him, and tonight she was snotty about what she and her younger sister got to do. She felt bad when I told her it was pretty crappy for her to gloat about her day when no one else was INVITED.

I know, I know. Life isn't fair. I have asked to have his visitation curtailed. I have asked what I can do. I can't do anything. IT SUCKS. I'm tired of being asked why they didn't get to go, why he didn't call. When they WANT to see him, he doesn't want to take them. My son said "Its like he hates us"

WHAT do you say to that? where's my correct answer? I felt myself fumbling for anything besides "Daddy's an asshole, honey" All I could say was I'm sorry, and that I understand why he's upset. At least his cat loves him best. But the boy was hurting. He's on the cusp of puberty, and his one male role model has been abandoning him. He doesn't feel comfortable talking to him about the confusion he feels. I'm very clear in telling him that it's okay if he DOES want to talk to his dad - he's certainly more an expert on THE CHANGE in boys than *I* am. Yet he says no, then asks small questions of me. I read and help him understand to the best of my ability, but if you don't own the equipment...

I know that life isn't fair, and I know that my children will come to learn this in time, but it's a hard lesson to let them learn. Especially when it comes from one of the people who SHOULD love them best. I pray that God gives me the strength to do this daily. My anger has calmed a lot, and the wildness has diminished, but I feel like I'm a long way from a 'good' mom. That hurts, because these people deserve me to love them and be patient, and I think I'm largely doing a better job lately. All I can do is improve, but I can't help but feel like I'm failing them somehow by not doing SOMETHING to stop his shenanigans. IS there more I should be doing? AM I being a jackass and missing the most basic thing? Telling him "you will take everyone, or you won't take ANYONE" Maybe I should try that, but I fear getting into trouble. I'm so scared of doing the wrong thing for the right reasons. GAH!

I wish I KNEW what I need to do here.

Is this thing still on?

Well, HI!

Amember me?! Life has sucked me in, held me close, gave me a wedgie and then turned me loose before it could give me a 'brown eye.' (if you don't know what that is, be grateful you didn't have a crass older cousin) I have had some joys - 2 weeks off, albeit self-paid thanks to budget crises and a mandatory furlough; one helluva Christmas (thanks Jesus!), a reconnection to my mom who I didn't realize I'd missed. I've also had setbacks - my ex stopped taking the kids on overnights, blaming me for him becoming homeless (I'm a bloodsucking bitch, draining him dry via child support and court fees he's brought on himself) and that means no down time or days off. Initially, I am embarassed to admit to being pissy about it. After 3 months with NO breaks from my children, I've come back to the "Hey, it's what it is" zen of parenting. It's hard, it's messy, it's discouraging at times, but it's MINE. These are MY children. Instilling in them traits that I can be proud of is something I have lost sight of. After 2 weeks of them constantly in my face, I'm reminded of my long-term goal.. releasing them into the wild as productive human beings.

Aside from the Ex being stubborn and dragging his feet - we had a settlement drawn up where all he had to do was sign and be DONE, he wouldn't owe anything else and wouldn't need to DO anythign else, and the idiot didn't do it, so NOW we get to go back for round... Um... yeah, 45? in the court, whereby we ask for more money because he's being a dipshit and not signing papers. See, I'm hardcore into the notion of not being Susanne TYLER anymore.. I'd like to go back to my maiden name, Brorby. It's mine, ain't no one take it from me! Anyway, back to the initial rant here.. Aside from him being a dipshit, I haven't had too many bumps in the road, or if I have I have come to a place where I can weather them and not freak the hell out. Much.. often. Okay, i freak out better.

I'm blessed and grateful. I feel like if I expound upon it I will lose some meaning, but suffice it to say that I am grateful for my fortunes.

I hope the new year has been good to everyone - it's been ROUGH. SO rough for so many. For those who are jobless, or soon to be jobless, I'm pulling for you. God speed his blessings to you.

*lighting a candle*

Up to my eyeballs in alligators

So, yeah. I think the title says most of what I'm feeling. It's always something. I think though, something happened that I wasn't aware of. I turned my back on the alligators. I know that I have adopted the feeling of "I'm busy, overwhelmed. It's hard." and I have dropped the ball in my life. The bad thing about being the only one running the show is that you're to blame if it goes wrong. the GOOD thing about being the only one running the show is that you're the only one to blame.

I've been looking at the long list of negatives and accepting them as creed. I'm a single parent of 5 kids, I have a deadbeat ex, I have too many bills and not enough money, I live in a house too small for 6 people.. Well, those are ALL true, but I don't look at the positives. I AM a single parent, and that means that I can parent my children as *I* want, not how someone else expects me to. For many people they have a great partner to help with child rearing and you're all on the same page, but there are MANY times that's not true. But, I don't ever have to argue with anyone about the day to day mechanics of my life, and I haven't accepted that yet - what the hell? am I stupid? Dude, run with it! I do have a deadbeat ex. That means that should I ever remarry and have a step parent for the kids, the ex won't have much influence over the mix. Granted, if I remarry, I'm gonna have to go back to statement #1. I'll deal with that when I get to it. I have too many bills. Well, guess what, #'s 1 & 2 are involved with this - I can scale back my expenses and no one can tell me which need to stay or go. Hmm..... I live in a house too small for 6 people. Well, maybe, but these people are gonna have some killer interpersonal skills. And maybe if I get off my ass and start taking charge of my life again, they'll learn that they don't need as much to be happy.

Its a work in progress, but when I went to the customer service seminar on Thursday, I took away a LOT of personal information, just like on Tuesday when I had my class on time management and organization.

The key here is I haven't found what works for me. That's pretty big. I keep operating on systems that I didn't develop. I'm stressed out because I keep ignoring things I need to do. That doesn't work. Never has, never will.

So, baby steps. But the biggest one is how to deal with my 13 year old when I want to be as far away from her as I can get. I think teenagerdom is meant to enable us to let them go. But - somehow I doubt it's meant to make us want to kill them.

One thing that Jean Steele said during our seminar is that in your interactions with people, if 3 /4 of them you feel everyone is an asshole, it's YOU, not them. Guess that shit that's stinking is coming from me. DAMN!

California, you broke my heart!

I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you - but don't feel sad, 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Only, when it comes to fundamental civil rights, it is. I'm typing this up the night of the most important election in the history of our country. Congratulations to Mr. President-elect Obama. Yes we can, and we have. On the issue of abortion in minors - it looks like we have changed. Minors will be protected by being provided with access to abortion - in a time where young people are lost and desperately seeking acceptance and a way to belong, they can make mistakes. Some mistakes are too costly to be used as a teaching tool. When you're 14, seeking love and acceptance and you make a mistake, an unplanned pregnancy, the last thing in the world you need is someone saying "you made your bed, now lie in it" I doubt at 14 anyone has the faculties to make responsible decisions - forcing them to have a child is preposterous. Even if you look at it from the adoption standpoint, this child is still growing and maturing. To carry a baby to term is so incredibly taxing - there's a reason women died in childbirth, and it wasn't just lack of medical care, women had children young - like 14 years old young.

If a child is going to have sex without your approval (I do NOT know ANY parents who want their 14 year old having sex), they certainly aren't going to tell you about a pregnancy, because they KNOW they're in over their head. ANd if they want to abort that baby, they will go about it - in any means necessary. Drano, coat hangers... they may sound like antiquated scare tactics from bad afterschool specials, but the fact is if your child wants to have sex bad enough and gets pregnant from it, they might want to have an abortion bad enough to go about it in unsafe ways - some of which leave them barren. It's not about permission, it's about protection of our daughters.

So far, this proposition seems to be denied (it would force doctors to contact patients parents 48 hours before an abortion is performed. I'm pretty sure that most of those girls don't come from swell families.) And I am proud of people reading it for what it is and protecting our girls.

But Prop 8. Oh God. Please... PLEASE tell me that all the 'no' votes haven't been counted. Please tell me that this state which went blue as SOON as the polls closed didn't turn their back on a very real social class of people. Please tell me that just because we have become better at being colorblind that we haven't begun to discriminate against Same-Sex couples.

California, people look to us to be progressive and forward. We carry the largest amount of electoral votes in this great union of ours. How can you turn your back on a community that is as much a part of you as Hollywood, wine country, earthquakes, sunshine, oranges and silicone valley? Maybe a lot of our policies are conservative, but I fail to see why the definition of marriage is between a man and a woman. That doesn't make it any more binding, lasting, loving, productive, supportive or permanent than it being between two consenting adults. It doesn't mean it's between a man and 2 women, or a man and a child, or a woman and a dog/donkey/goat/sheep/living doll *Ahem* It also doesn't guarantee lasting committment. I was a woman, he a man, and my marriage didn't last. My marriage was abusive, hurtful and disrespectful. It didn't stop him from cheating on me, in my home, where my children lived. It didn't stop me from being run down to almost nothingness under his boot heel.

Marriage is a legal union between two consenting adults. It's a civil partnership. And while most marriages take place in a church and are consecrated by God and their religion, it doesn't necessarily imply morality. Not too long ago (about 40 years ago, actually) whites could not marry anything but whites. How limiting. How disgusting, but how similar. It's not for government to decide who can or cannot be happy and enjoy a union. Same sex marriages are not viewed with the same social status as traditional marriage, and it CERTAINLY is NOT taught in school. My children MUST be in the 4% that does NOT teach marriage as part of the curriculum.

Please, California, by morning, please have proven this post moot, I would enjoy nothing less than deleting this post because I jumped the gun and posted this before the polls were all decided.

Yes we can!!!

I want to hug America. Thank you. The long nightmare is going to end. Thank God for your courage for change. Thank you for the faith and strength to stand up and say "YES WE CAN CHANGE!" "YES WE CAN!!!" YES WE CAN!!!

God bless America, we will need it for the work ahead, but what wonderful work it will be.

I choose YOU!

I'd like to talk about Tomorrow. *the capital letter was intentional, because Tomorrow is election day* Tomorrow is possibly one of THE biggest days for our country. I'm from California, so we have Prop 8. Now, we have a lot of other propositions too, and they all boil down to money, but the thing with Prop 8 is that it will ban a law that currently exists in California - they right for gays to choose to be married. People have been saying "Vote YES! they're going to teach our children how to be teh ghey!!" that we teach marriage in school (where the FUCK did they dredge up THAT bullshit?).

If you look at it for what it is, you either belong to the camp of "them goddam niggers" or you belong to "What the fuck, dude" party. If you substitute "interracial" for "homosexual" in the campaigns, your blood either boils or you agree with the sentiment - that only white anglosaxon protestants (Awww, why not, we'll include them goddamn Catholics, but only because they hate them damn gheys) deserve 'equality' that is, as long as the people you are equal to are exactly the same as you in social status, religion and looks.

FUCK THAT SHIT. Equality MEANS Equality. Not "equal to or greater than". This ain't no math class. I'm heartsick with the idea that the rights currently available to PEOPLE in California will be gone as of tomorrow. It's disgusting and wrong that their best defense is that "they teach it to our children" I heard a commercial on the way home about "One school even took their class to a lesbian wedding and called it a 'teaching experience.'" Excuse me? Where the fuck did THAT come from? was it a charter school? or perhaps a granola coop of hippy lesbians (By the way, I'm down with you girls.)

I find it morally reprehensible to try and change people's minds by using children as a tactic. If the school took my children to a straight marriage, I'd be fucking pissed as shit. Who the fuck takes children to a fucking wedding as part of a curriculum? HOW does it apply toward learning? Don't EVEN fucking try and teach my kids morality. That's my fucking job, and I'll fucking cuss while I fucking do it if I fucking feel like I fucking need to. Fucking cookie?

I also am very, VERY scared that the regime that has had the stranglehold on our country for the last 8 years will continue with the prospect of McCain (Oh, I had respect for you once) and Palin (Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? I have 5 kids and manage everything with little/no help. Does that qualify me? I probably have the same population as your back asswards podunk Alaskan town). Maybe Obama isn't going to be the be-all, cure-all for the country, and I think it's going to get a bit worse before it gets better - because we have idiots who think that uppity niggers shouldn't be in charge. FUCK YOU, by the way.

*this political rant brought to you by a woman who has been put under extreme amounts of stress for FAR TOO FUCKING LONG*

In short, vote your conscience, don't vote because you think you're in the minority. Vote because you KNOW we need to change. Vote because you know that things are NOT okay in the status-quo, vote to protect the freedom and rights that we claim we have. Vote because we have already come SO FAR, we can't turn back and hide in the cave again.